Noone can tell you what to do. I can only share my perpective. I will try to be as objective as possible. He obviously loves you very much from what you are saying. Actions speak louder than words and he is also using words. It sounds like he is trying to repair some of the damage by reflecting how he truly sees you. Of course you feel guilty, because you feel like you are short changing him. He doesn't seem to feel that way, and perhaps expressing these feeling you are having about not being able to respond, as you think you should, would give him a chance to reassure you that he doesn't feel cheated. After all, when you are with your son, you love him so much that he doesn't have to do or be anything to make you feel contented. It may very well be that this man is exactly as he seems and truly cares and is just what the doctor ordered. Even in the best of circumstances compliments make a person feel uncomfortable and a little awkward. I never know what to say when things like this are said to me. Backing away because you feel uncomfortable or suspicious doesn't seem like a good reason to pass up love and affection when it is offered to you as he seems to be doing. If he looked puzzled or hurt when you flinched, it is only because he needs to understand. Understanding starts with communicating. You don't have to tell him every detail. Start with opening up about some of the trust issues in general terms or explaining about why you flinched. If he knows that it has nothing to do with him and that you have a long road back to learn how to trust then it sounds like he is the kind of guy that will make the effort. You have been through a lot that damaged your normal abilities to cope. That does not mean that you are damaged beyond repair and deserve to give up on yourself. Let him be the judge of that. Trust is very tricky, it is exactly like your little keets. It is not going to happen immediately or next week. Time after time of the same thing happening and only good loving things occuring, your little keets will trust you even when you handle them and they screech for no reason. They will come out of your hand and pop back on your shoulder because they have learned to trust that you are not going to hurt them. You simply have to learn that this man will not hurt you. You need to simply learn that he will not lie to you or manipulate you either. That takes repeated experiences with him. Even if you started trusting in general tomorrow, you would still have to learn if this man is loving, gentle, honest and sincere. That is what you are investing in him for what he is investing in you. You may not believe it right now, but LOVE is what you need. Gentle, kind, considerate, trustful, sincere, constant and unwavering love. You need to believe that it really is out there and that it is out there for you. The reason I know this is that you mention it in almost all of your posts. The other reason I know it is that it is what heals all injured hearts.
I will share with you that I didn't trust any man, nor did I respect any or want to rely on any man, when I met my husband. I gave him trouble and rejected him and let him know how I felt about men and one night I even ran from him. He chased me down, gently put me a car and he took care of me and stuck with me. He stayed when others would have left. He helped when others weren't there. He listened to me when I cried. I finally came to realize that he loved me the way I always thought a person should be loved. I finally learned to trust and respect a man again. Maybe it was only one man, but that is all I need. It took a long time, but he helped my heart heal. He took what was essentially a wounded human being and showed me what a real man was supposed to act like. It took me a long time to find him and he saved my life. Maybe it won't take you as long as it took me. The important thing is that you don't give up on yourself. The important thing is your healing process. If trusting again is an issue, which it is, running from trust will not accomplish this. If you are honest with him and communicate and he "sticks" then maybe you have already found a real man that can treat you like you deserve.
