I agree totally with PDM. I had a really dud of a counselor for family issues who fell asleep during our session. He also asked how old my son was just because he cuddled me. Inferring he was a little too old for that. Hang in there and try to search out the right person for you. There are plenty of women's organizations for battered women that have volunteers that would be happy to help with care for you little boy. I know that you feel badly about the decisions you made. My post to you made some things come up in my mind that caused me to have a painful realization this morning upon wakeing. I recalled saying to my mother, "I better not see him hit you again". I didn't have to see it, I saw the pain in her eyes and the swollen cheek. I suddenly felt so badly that I didn't go to him and defend her that moment. We can't go back though. You have guilt over decisions you made under the most difficult of situations. You know you would have done differently, if you could have chosen without all the rest of the things that come into play. Dealing with the pain and ugliness will help you forgive yourself. It is so evident that you have not forgiven yourself. There are thousands of women that have made decisions because they loved someone who was not worthy of that love. It is so hard to know when to walk away or stay and salvage a life. The problem is it gets bad then worse then the worst in a blink or so slowly that we are neck deep and it is too late. You are not perfect and you are not alone in how you feel. You are not worse than the rest of us. You are not as bad as the opinion you have of yourself. Like PDM said, most of the people who do violence were abused themselves or the victims at one time. We decide to love them and the part we love seems worth saving. The trouble is sometimes they are too damaged and we have to walk away. My Dad was just such a person. He loved us so much he would die for us. Some things triggered impatience and anger and when that would happen he lost control. He was so sorry, but you couldn't take it back. How do you throw away a person for that? My mother stayed with him because she loved the good side. She suffered for the angry side and so did we. You are not alone in that horrible dilemma. There is someone out there that can help you see that and "validate" your feelings and all you went through. That validation will guide you to forgive and accept what you cannot get past now. Some people are able to accept that something happened and go forward without dealing with it. I truly believe that as PDM said, a small thing can happen and trigger a flood that comes back. It might not be for twenty years or it could be next month for those people. In your case, you have not been able to stuff it back, because it is just too traumatic for you. I really believe in my heart you need to find that person. Please let us help you do that. Talk to us in the meanwhile, but don't give up on the idea. Your too precious to your little boy. You are why he is healing so well. That is a wonderful accomplishment.
