Hi Satine
If he is telling you the truth, and his parents would truly disown him for leaving her, and going to you, then I can see that this might be very difficult and upsetting for him.
If he leaves her for you, and his parents influence him so much, how will they feel about you? Could your relationship survive?
In some cultures, parents really do have a huge amount of influence, and, if he has a long steady relationship with this other girl, then I could understand his parents' potential anger at him letting her down.
However, he is already letting her down.
You ask:
'is there a way we can go about being together without really hurting her?' and I'm afraid I would have to say probably not.
If you could have a secret affair, that she didn't find out about, then she may not know that she was being hurt, but I cannot see how her relationship with him could be 100% good in that event, so it would still be harmed and, in a round-about way, she would still be hurt.
She came to your show because
'she was invited by two of his roomates who are friends with her'.
Were they trying to put the cat amongst the pigeons, I wonder??
Was he concerned that you two might meet and that something might be said?
You say:
'He is also terrified at what will happen if she finds out about whats been going on with him and myself and won't tell her'If you move in similar circles ~ and she attends your plays ~ then she is likely to find out.
What if these mutual friends cannot or will not keep this unsavoury secret?
You say that he didn't call to warn you that he would be at your play with his girlfriend, because
'... he thought i said i never wanted to speak to him again ....So, on the basis that you were no longer an item, he brought her unannounced to your play???
Did he think that your relationship was over?
Did he care?
Did he not think that you deserved a warning, anyway?
What would have happened, if you had run over to him, given him a big kiss and said: 'oh darling, thank you for coming!' ~ or something like that?
I'm sorry, but unless, as you indicate, there is something going on here, that I do not understand, with regard to family structure and influence, then it just sounds as if he is playing you two girls against each other.
It sounds like a game. Is it?
Are you sure of what is going on in his mind?
Does he want to be with her?
Is he
really only with her because of his parents?
Does he really want to be with you?
Is he really keeping you a secret because of his parents?
How old is he?
If he is very young, or comes from a culture where parents control their children, even as adults, then maybe this is understandable. Otherwise, it seems that he is just using this as an excuse not to change the status quo ~ to have a steady long-term relationship with her, and a fun affair with you.
Is this what you really want, long term ~ a man who will cheat on his girlfriend and blame his parents?
You need to ask yourself this, because it sounds as if he has little intention of doing anything about it. It may be weakness of character, or fear, or confusion, or it may just be that he wants to have his cake and eat it.
Whatever you decide to do ~ good luck!
There is a similar 'problem' here ~ have a look:
http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=341422
