This year i met an amazing guy and from the moment we met it was electric between us, instant attraction to each other, the whole shebang! Things were complicated because he had a girlfriend and over the last 6 months we have been together and both have very strong feelings for one another which he has confirmed to me. So what i dont understand is how he can say he cares so much for me and wants to be with me but wont leave her for me. Its been hurting us both and i don't know what to do. Its clear he feels the same way but i think he's just scared of hurting her. what do i have to do to make him do the right thing. Our connections is too strong to let it slip away and he knows that but he wont make the choice. please help!!

Hi Satine ~ welcome


This sounds as if it could be a good beginning to a relationship, or, alternatively, to have the potential for an exciting 'fling'.

You say that you are together ~ but he and his girlfriend are together too.
Are you saying that you are in love with each other and that both of you have expressed those feelings to each other?
Does he tell his girlfriend that he loves her, too?

It's hurting you ~ and I'm guessing it would hurt her ~ but is it really hurting him?
This is his choice; his decision.
He is cheating on his girlfriend ~ has been, over a period of 6 months ~ and you are helping him to do so.
You have the electricity, what does she have?
If he is still with her, she must still have a part of him, presumably?
What kind of relationship do they have?
If he were ignoring her completely, then that relationship would have fizzled out, I would have thought, so something is still going on between them that constitutes a relationship.

Are you happy to share him?
Is it right to treat the other girl like this?
Is it right for him to expect you to go along with this?


It's clear to you that he feels the same way, yet he must still be involved in some romantic aspects of his relationship with his girlfriend ~ otherwise she wouldn't still be his girlfriend.
This man has two girls. Perhaps he likes it that way.

He doesn't want to hurt her?
What you are both doing now is hurting her ~ she just doesn't know it yet.
What about when she finds out?

Do his friends know what is going on?
Could his girlfriend find out? ~ I'm guessing that she could.
He has to act.
It is up to him.
I know that people have long-term affairs, but, personally, I feel that he has to choose between you.
Are you going to continue like this?
What are you going to do?
You could give him an ultimatum.
I know that this will be hard for you, in case he chooses to stay with the other girl, but it would be the right thing to do for the other girl's sake ~ and I think that it would be the right thing for you, too ~ but only you can decide that.

Good luck!

thanks so much for the reply, its great to get an outside opinion on this romantic saga. you asked allot of questions so i'll start answering them for you!
we have both expressed our feelings to one another, and he said to me when this all started that he "needed to know that i wasn't playing him" which of course i'm not and he promised me he wasn't either. Its all been such an emotional roller coaster for me. I love him very much and our connection is undeniable.
I'm almost certain his brother knows about it, but he is a very private person when it comes to relationships.I have two friends who are his friends too who know aswell.
His problem is he is worried what people will think of him.
I hate this situation so much and would never have persued anything with him had he not expressed genuine feelings towards me. but at the moment i'm left feeling rather used and played which is awful. I don't want to share, and i am not an affair type of girl at all. so this has all been a stressfull situation.
I know in my heart i can't continue like this anymore but i'm scared about the ultimatum. if he chooses her does that mean there will never be a time for us? does that mean i never meant anything to him?
the other problem which hurts me is that if he does choose to stay with her i dont think he will ever tell her about me or about us....i'm so confused.
but i think you're right. he has to make the choice and he keeps avoiding it, but how do i do it in a non-aggressive way without him thinking i'm attacking him?

thanks so much

He certainly can have feelings for you both. It is possible to love two individuals at the same time but in different ways. He probably wasn't planning on getting involved with you but it happened and it sounds like he wanted to make sure you were genuine. He has had time to find that out about you and vice versa. It is not just him that is failing to make a decision. You are also hesitating because you fear loosing him.
If he chooses to stay with the other girl then actually you never had him. Presently, you both sound like you are violateing your own personal codes of conduct. This will only lead to disrespect for yourselves. It will also become easier as time goes on to vindicate the cheating and will become a source of mistrust between the two of you. By this I mean, that if you stay together whether the other woman is in the picture or not, you will begin to wonder if you both could cheat on one another as you are now. Frankly, it is a bad precidence to set, as it can become something that is easier to do each subsequent time. Beware straining your moral bounds.

To answer your question, the only way he is going to decide is for you to tell him that your conscience is bothering you about how the two are conducting yourselves. Explain, that you care deeply but that you cannot continue to sneak around and cheat with him any more. Tell him that you have too much respect for him and yourself to put the two of you in this situation. You can explain that you are ready and willing to make a committment the moment he is a free and single man but until then you are going to make the decision to stop seeing him.

This is the only way you will ever know if he really wants you and only you. It is also the only way you will prevent yourself from creating a cheating partner as you go into the future, whatever it holds.

I'll second all that Jo.

Hello Satine. Please... forgive me if I may come off as rude, blunt, or crass, I want you to see this from my perspective.

Now... I'm a guy, and I have to tell you a secret...

Guys are stupid.

We do things that we do not understand. We're vulgar but reserved, we're sweet but we can be cruel, but more than anything... a guy is his own worst enemy.

I agree with Jo when she says that it is possible that he has strong feelings for both you and for his girlfriend. This is actually... common for my kind. However, some guys will act on this feeling, and some will not. There are generally three possible reasons as to his actions.

1) Complacency: A guy has the capacity to do some really dumb things as long as he is comfortable. It could be that he is used to his girlfriend, and any change could be potentially harmful to him. Guys can be very greedy, to us (myself included...) we come first, and the world follows.

2) Love: It is possible that though he has strong feelings for you, but that his feelings for his girlfriend are stronger.

3) Fear: Now... a guy can climb the highest mountain... jump from a plane over a mile above the ground... run into a burning building to save a life... but a guy will NEVER present his true feelings. Why? Because (and I know I will get a LOT of flak from guys on this forum...) we are generally afraid of putting ourselves on the line for someone to see our weaknesses. He could be afraid to hurt his girlfriend, afraid to hurt you, or afraid to hurt himself. Don't believe me? Ask a guy friend this question...

"What are you thinking about?"

Automatically... what is he going to say?

"Nothing."

Why? Because he's afraid of sharing what's running through his mind. It's our largest and greatest fear to let a woman into our soul. Not our lives... not our emotions... but our soul. The very thing that defines a guy is his soul, and he would rather battle the world than give that up.

I agree with PDM that you have the electricity. You're something new, maybe strange and interesting to him, hence why you have the power that you do. However, you need to figure a few things out.

1) As PDM said, can you really fathom being the "other woman?" In all honesty, this guy has NO idea what he wants. He has two women, but cannot make up his mind. He WILL end up hurting one or both of you, this WILL happen.

2) Are you willing to accept that the only way to find the truth is not to wait, but to take the action? Yes it is his decision to choose you, but if your feelings are as strong as you say? Are you ready to fight for him, or contrary, walk away if need be?

I'll be honest... your situation is very sensitive, this triangle is deadly. Again, being honest... you have to ask yourself this single question.

Is it worth it?

Is it worth putting yourself in way of incoming fire for a guy who's been indecisive for the past six months? Is it worth your feelings, your time, your effort, and your name to wait for an indecisive guy? You know him better probably than anyone, but can you answer that question?

My advice to you is... If nothing is ventured, nothing is gained.

If he is what you want, go for it. Give him that ultimatum. Show him that you are something good, that you're not a fling, and not "the other woman" but most of all... that you're NOT going to wait for him.

You must also keep in mind, that if he could do this to someone he loves (his current girlfriend) than what is to stop him, if you two eventually got together, from doing it to you? Something along the lines of what jo said..I think.

Is it worth that emotional ride and possible mistrust?

That's a bit harsh. I think
Men are men.

They are not all the same ~ but you are right that their minds are are certainly not like women's minds.

I think that your male viewpoint could be very helpful here.

Haha PDM you're being nice. You know men are generally dumb especially when we fall in love.

To add on to what I had said previously and to agree with the others; Satine, you must consider what birdgirly said. The chance is always there.

Good luck again.

Just a few comments from my perspective. I won't pretend to speak for all males or to say what "their" viewpoint is - mainly because I have always objected strenuously to the usual gender stereotypes. Yes, there are differences as you say, PDM, and to communicate one should not take meanings for granted. Yet, neither the male nor the female thinking is stupid.

What can be tragic is to not communicate.

I have met women where the elctricity was sizzling my meters, and yet the timing was not right, or I was not free, or other compatibility factors were not there.

Could this become love if pursued? Perhaps so, but both would need to pursue it. IMO to pursue the "electricity" in hope and faith that he will want to commit to loving you would be dangerous.

It could well be that all three of you get hurt.

There will be electricity with others. And respect. And a giving, caring kind of love that commits only to you.

What would be tragic is if you are tied up in this emotional roller coaster, and miss the main event!

Carl, your insight is always so insightful! (I could not think of a better way to phrase that, but it really is).

Thanks.

thankyou all so much for your insight its been so helpfull as i have felt so alone in this battle.

You can always put your thoughts on here ~ if you want to, that is. It's anonymous and there are often people online to respond.

thanks again PDM. well things have got a little out of hand at the moment. He now says he wants to be friends but says he was never playing me or using me, which is so hard to believe after everything thats happened between us.Not to mentions everytime we're together the sexual tension is off the metres. and despite saying these things when we have seen eachother we've ended up hooking up and having a beautiful night/day.He has very strong feelings for me i know it.I can see it in his eyes and the way he treats me when we're together.I'm just so confused because he says one thing but does another. He says this is soo hard for him and that i'm making it harder for both of us. but it doesnt have to be so hard. he knows what he has to do,but he wont...and at the same time he wont tell me why.He still doesnt know what he wants.
At the moment we haven't spoken in a week after an incident where he brought her to a show of mine, i'm an actor, he was there with his whole family too, but he left without saying anything to me, or saying goodbye and i think he thought i didnt know she was there. He said he tried to talk to me but i was very popular.It hurt me so much and i expressed this to him in a text, then he tried to call and i ignored them...of course i was angry and upset.He asked how "if i never answer my phone how is he supposed to speak to me" i then sent a message telling him i didnt want to speak to him till after my show was finished and then maybe i'de answer. its now been a week and nothing.A friend of mine and his says his way of dealing with things is on his own and by self-sabbotaging himself.SHe says he does have very deep feelings for me, she knows it, i know it and a whole bunch of other people who have seen us together know it! I dont know if hes scared, or whether any of this is actually hurting him too, or if he's ignoring me because i said i didn't want to speak to him. But right now i'm hurting so much. What should i do? I will fight for this!Do i give him one last chance to explain himself and his actions? well give him a chance cause i didnt give him one in the first place.

He seems to want to have his cake and eat it!

Does he not realise how unfeeling his behaviour must appear?

Obviously he is very attracted to you, but he is still with his girlfriend; he went on a date with her to see you in a show; he has now told you that he wants to be 'friends'.

He went on a date, with her, to see you, in a show!!!

It sounds like he wants the steady relationship with his girlfriend and the electricity of an affair with you. But you are not fitting in with his plans ~ you are 'making it harder'.

Some people can carry on like this ~ but can you, & should she?

Is any of this hurting him?
I don't see why it should be.
What could be hurting him?
He has two girls at his beck and call.
He flaunts one in front of the other.

To take his steady girl to see his mistress, without her knowing!
To flaunt his girlfriend, in front of his mistress, when he knows how upset she is about the situation!

What kind of behaviour is this?
This does not seem like the behaviour of a man who is hurting to me.

If you feel that he is worth fighting for, then you must do what you must do. But who would you be fighting?
He can be all yours whenever he chooses; all he has to do is end the relationship with his girlfriend.

If it's not too difficult for him to parade her in front of you at your play, then it shouldn't be too difficult for him to tell her the truth ~ that he is in love with someone else.

But is it the truth ~ or is he in love with her and in lust with you? Or just in love with both of you?

I don't know the answers ~ and I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but you are in a situation that is upsetting you, and you may have to just face the fact that the other girl is staying in his life ~ even if you stay in it too.

That doesn't sound good for either her or you.

Good luck!

Drop him. The guy doesn't care much for anyone's feelings. He's not hurting, he just doesn't want things to complicate to be easier for his ruse or necessary escape.

thankyou all again for all your insight and help. I've had few things clarified from him through a friend of mine and his regarding the reason why she was at my show etc.
He never wanted her to come to my show, she was invited by two of his roomates who are friends with her, and also his whole family came to the show aswell, so he was unable to stop her from attending. He didnt call me because he though i said i never wanted to speak to him again in the text message i sent him over two weeks ago. Basically the reason he won't leave her for me is the fear of his "parents disowning him" and what other people will think. He knows we are both really good together but it is this fear that is stopping him apparently. what the hell do i do?
I'm meeting up with him on thursday for one last chance to prove that our relationship is worth taking every risk and every chance. how on earth do i go about it!? He is fighting against himself and is scared.He has expressed a few times this fear to me early on in our relationship, "do i take a risk and chance ridicule?". I don't know what to do. we're both miserable. He is also terrified at what will happen if she finds out about whats been going on with him and myself and won't tell her. is there a way we can go about being together without really hurting her, letting her down without destroying her? Its his fear that is stopping this, fear of his parents disowning him and fear of losing the friendship he has with her. what do i say when i say him? I am so worried! this is my last shot. I love him and we both want this, i know it. he is just very insecure about the reppocusions.

Saltine, I realize that my viewpoint will not be pleasing to you. Yet, I must tell you that many, many men play women with the "I don't want to hurt them" line. Some men - and I use that term loosley - like to have several women available to them.

If I loved a woman, others' opinions might be considered, but ultimately it would be my choice. And if I could not be content with anyone else, then I'd have to make the choice for myself.

Hi Satine

If he is telling you the truth, and his parents would truly disown him for leaving her, and going to you, then I can see that this might be very difficult and upsetting for him.

If he leaves her for you, and his parents influence him so much, how will they feel about you? Could your relationship survive?

In some cultures, parents really do have a huge amount of influence, and, if he has a long steady relationship with this other girl, then I could understand his parents' potential anger at him letting her down.

However, he is already letting her down.

You ask: 'is there a way we can go about being together without really hurting her?' and I'm afraid I would have to say probably not.

If you could have a secret affair, that she didn't find out about, then she may not know that she was being hurt, but I cannot see how her relationship with him could be 100% good in that event, so it would still be harmed and, in a round-about way, she would still be hurt.

She came to your show because 'she was invited by two of his roomates who are friends with her'.
Were they trying to put the cat amongst the pigeons, I wonder??
Was he concerned that you two might meet and that something might be said?

You say: 'He is also terrified at what will happen if she finds out about whats been going on with him and myself and won't tell her'
If you move in similar circles ~ and she attends your plays ~ then she is likely to find out.
What if these mutual friends cannot or will not keep this unsavoury secret?

You say that he didn't call to warn you that he would be at your play with his girlfriend, because '... he thought i said i never wanted to speak to him again ....

So, on the basis that you were no longer an item, he brought her unannounced to your play???

Did he think that your relationship was over?
Did he care?
Did he not think that you deserved a warning, anyway?
What would have happened, if you had run over to him, given him a big kiss and said: 'oh darling, thank you for coming!' ~ or something like that?

I'm sorry, but unless, as you indicate, there is something going on here, that I do not understand, with regard to family structure and influence, then it just sounds as if he is playing you two girls against each other.
It sounds like a game. Is it?
Are you sure of what is going on in his mind?

Does he want to be with her?
Is he really only with her because of his parents?
Does he really want to be with you?
Is he really keeping you a secret because of his parents?

How old is he?
If he is very young, or comes from a culture where parents control their children, even as adults, then maybe this is understandable. Otherwise, it seems that he is just using this as an excuse not to change the status quo ~ to have a steady long-term relationship with her, and a fun affair with you.

Is this what you really want, long term ~ a man who will cheat on his girlfriend and blame his parents?

You need to ask yourself this, because it sounds as if he has little intention of doing anything about it. It may be weakness of character, or fear, or confusion, or it may just be that he wants to have his cake and eat it.

Whatever you decide to do ~ good luck!

There is a similar 'problem' here ~ have a look:
http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=341422

Satine - I sence there is something else going on here. Why would his parents disown him if he chose to have a different girlfriend than he has now. Are there some religious/ethnic factors that have not been expressed?

It does not sound like you have the whole truth. It also sounds like you are a fling. I don't mean to be harsh but if you both really have that strong of feelings about each other there should be a mutual desire to be together (for real).

I know how strong the electricity of an exciting relationship can be - but are you willing to "settle" for just that part of his life. It sounds like you are willing to give him your full life, but is he willing to give you his full life?

i think the problem here is that his girlfriend is very close with his family and he thinks that by breaking up with her his parents will be upset and angry because i guess she would be like a daughter to them in a sense, or that is the way he sees it. they have only been together for a little over a year.We are both in our early 20's, both performers, so we are highly emoitional and sensetive beings. He is very caught up in what people think of him, and is highly insecure about our situation. There is deffinatley no religious or ethnic factors in this parent thing.

he says i'm not a fling and that i mean more to him then a piece of xxxx, which is what i accused him of making me when we had a fight a few weeks ago. He says he's "scared". I don't know how to reassure him this can be ok. He told one of his friends that this whole situation has been bothering him immensely, he hasn't been able to sleep etc that its "xxxxxxx with is mind". I'm in exactly the same mental state too. what should i say to him when i see him on thursday?

Satine, you have received a number of responses & you seem not to think that we have understood things correctly.

What should you say to him?
Only you can answer that.
But what is going on at present is not fair on her or you.
And you are the one who knows about it.
You are, therefore, a party to the deceit.

The long and the short of it is:
You really like him.
You are ready to commit to him.
He says that he really likes you.
He is not ready to commit to you.

He has a girlfriend.
He has not attempted to end the relationship with her.
He is more concerned about the relationship between his parents and his girlfriend than the one he has with you ~ apparently.

He is not overly young.
His parents have no control over him of an ethnic or religious nature.

How far has this gone?
You don't have to answer on here, but it's something that you need to consider.

Are he and his girlfriend living together 'as man and wife'?
Are you actually indulging in a 'sexual affair'?

How serious the one relationship is, and how far things have gone physically in the other, obviously have a bearing on this.

What do you think that you should say to him?

If it were me, I don't think that I could cope with having a relationship with someone, who wanted me to be his sordid secret.
I don't think that I could cope with having a relationship with someone, who was also having a relationship with someone else.
I wouldn't want to share him with someone else.
I wouldn't want to deceive another girl.
I wouldn't want to worry that I was the one being deceived.

But love and attachment are strange ~ they are like addictions. It is hard to give up the man you want, even if he is with someone else.

What are you going to do?

He is obviously not strong enough to deal with this, or he doesn't want to deal with it.

By the way, I hope that I don't sound harsh.

I know that this must be a very difficult situation for you, Satine, but it just seems so unfair on the women involved. Yet the man in question is getting a lot of sympathy, from you, for two-timing yourself and another girl.

no offense, and this is not to come off as a mean thing, but he sounds like my ex. He could literally turn the water works off and on to show me how "sorry" he was. We dated for almost 3 years...and he was cheating on me almost the whole way. Having been on both sides, I know that there is NO way to be let down easy by the person you love.

I also think that he is playing you. My ex would say "I thought you said this, so I did this blah blah" and I would fall for it ALL the time. The stories sound familiar. Some men are like this..they say and do things that are horrible..and it doesn't matter to them who they hurt in the process.

It is my opinion that if it weren't you it would be somebody else that he is cheating on his current girlfriend with..if there isn't another on the side. I could be way off about him..but the things you say..they just sound soooo familiar..sorry if it comes off as harsh.

I think you could do WAY better than him. If he did get with you, chances are, he would do the same thing to you as he is to her.

sorry again for the bluntness of this. But I know what it is like be blinded by love.

Sorry if I seemed...mean last night.

I just firmly believe that women in these situations can find better men that PROVE they want to be with them by not leading them on for months. having been at the bottom end of the kind of man that treats you worse than xxxx under his shoe, and having found someone who actually cares after has shown me that people don't HAVE to be put through that xxxx for love, because that isn't love at all..I think you could find a man that wants you and only you, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

He will pick you up when you are down, and then not have to run back to his girlfriend because YOU will be his girlfriend.

If this other guy truly cares, you beginning to move on will either snap him into action...or show you that he was never there to begin with. You are not the one that needs to have patience with him. You DESERVE better

GOOD LUCK!!

I feel wary about this, too.

And what about: