After reading all of the posts and listening to the general tenor of most of what has been said I have an observation that I would like to share. I was in a "step" mother situation myself at one time. There was the typical denial of what was occuring. Denial that there were problems that wound up doing damage to the child. The child it turned out was damaged beyond repair long before I got on the scene. I was fighting a uphill battle until I discovered everything that had been going on and that everyone knew about the problems and had ignored them for years. By the time I got on the scene I was dealing with a six year old that was a liar, a thief,a con artist, a fire starter, animal abuser, manipulative, failing in school, and without a conscience. I spent my days working and my evenings picking up after three children and combing the neighborhood till 10:00 at night looking for her. Nothing we did, including, a psychiatrist helped. Her father finally admitted that he and the grandmother had known about the stealing for a while and that recommendations by teachers to hold her back in school had been ignored. Teachers observed the same thing I did. She acted like she never heard what was said the day before. She was intelligent, just overwhelmed by work that she could not do. Finally the father was forced to admit the truth. The strain was overwhelming on the marriage. I wanted to love her, but not a day went by that I was permitted too. There was always something that caused me to have to be diciplining or restricting her. It became such an unpleasant relationship that I knew I could not be the mother she needed. I was having a terrible time finding love in my heart for her. I was also haveing a terribly difficult time trying to be fair and still be a good mother. The line between being a good mother who wanted her to mind me and being an over bearing step mother was beginning to blur. I was dealing with something every day. One day she would steal my son's paper money and go to the carnival with her friend. One day she would pan handle around the neighborhood for money telling the neighbors that I needed gas money. One day she would steal a coin collection from a friends father and fence it on the street. Every day she would stay out late somewhere and not come home after school. One day she would try to choke the hamster by lighting matches near it. One day she would try to poison the cat who clawed her. You get the picture.
My point is, I have been where you are. I don't think there is anything deep about Sonny's adjustment to the relationship or sharing his father. He and you just plain don't get along. Whatever chance you both had of forming a relationship went wrong real early and never got better. He was used to a certain relationship with his father and when you came along you wanted to introduce new aspects like chores and rent. I don't know if his father went along with these things or not. If he didn't then that made you the inforcer and the bad guy because it was your idea. If he didn't go along with it, then that should have been your first clue that you would be cast in the roll of wicked step mother whether you wanted it or not.
From the tone of most of your posts, your angry and disgusted and you don't have the slightest bit of motherly love for Sonny let alone any other kind of affection. I am sure he has been aware of this since the age of 20. He is now 37 and you have been rubbing each other wrong for 17 years. I would venture to say that you would have to be a saint not to have allowed how you feel affect your actions and words towards him. He sounds like he has been a demon in the past but I don't think he could ever do anything that you would approve of. I don't believe Sonny is the problem anymore. If you don't find some way to let go of the anger and resentment and realize how it has affected your "objectivness" where he and your husbands conduct is concerned , you will be right where I was. You will be so angry and so frustrated that you won't be able to tell if your reactions are correct or biased by years of hateing Sonny. You are going to be the only looser here. You will wind up being what you think they are making you out to be. "The wicked step mother". I was so close to being just that that I stepped back and took a good look at what it was doing to me and I walked away. The reason I walked away was that I realized I could no longer be her mother at all. She would be better off without me. You don't have to be a mother to Sonny. He is a grown man. You do have to make peace with your husband and live in that family without affecting your husbands right to his own relationship with sonny in his own way.
PDM is so totally right on this one. Unless you want to walk away, you NEED to get counseling to help you let go of the anger and find that way. I wish you luck, I hope I have not offended you in any way. I only want to help because I know the hell you are living right now. I lived it. In Spades.
