Hi Pudgie's Mom.
I think that they were my words, actually, but that's just by the by.
I am not in your situation, so I can't help in that respect, but maybe, as an outsider, I can give some objective comments.
Also, I think that many of us will have been in a situation, where a relative or friend of a loved-one is causing us difficulty in some area.
It's a well known thing that step-families can have problems. It doesn't always happen ~ sometimes these relationships can be very successful ~ but there are many that don't work so well. I think that anyone in such a situation should, perhaps, be prepared for some problems.
Also, of course, there can be generational problems in any family.
And then there is the 'in-law' aspect. Mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law often don'r get on.
Maybe problems are exacerbated, where there is a step-relationship, too.
From your husband's point of view, I should imagine that, when he re-married, he may have promised himself, and his kids, that, no matter what happened, the new situation would not come between him and his kids.
From the son's point of view, there may be some kind of Cinderella complex. Daddy has a new wife. Maybe he loves her better than our Mummy. Maybe we'll be pushed out. Maybe we'll have to battle for his affections and try to overcome the new lady. And, the thing is, these sorts of thoughts remain. This can happen no matter what age the 'child'.
If this is the case, then he needs to confront the demons of his inner child ~ will Daddy still love him?; is the new lady usurping his mother's place?
He may feel that he has to remain faithful to his mother, and not betray her, by being nice to the stepmother ~ no matter how good and decent she may be, etc, etc.
This puts the father in a difficult position, because one's child is always one's baby, who one wants to protect ~ especially, if the child has been through trauma.
I think that you need to try to be as objective as possible, if you are to understand and work through this situation. This could be difficult, because you are in a very emotional personal situation.
But just try imagining what it must have felt like for your stepson to lose the security of the family he had and to have 'a new mommy' ~ and, again, I don't know how old he was at the time, but, I think that the inner child will still battle to keep the security of his own Mummy & Daddy, even as he grows older.
If you can try to empathise with how he may have felt, and realise that he may not even be able to help his feelings ~ because they could be instinctive ~ then you may be able to find a way to move on.
Your 'arguing with hubby about Sonny's bad behavior' is probably not the way. It is just adding to the negativity.
Perhaps, when you are both feeling calm and relaxed, you could have an objective discussion about it???
I think that it needs again to be a matter of empathy:
First, I hope that you will agree, you need to acknowledge, to each other, that you love each other and that you want to remain together and sort this out.
Then, you both need to acknowledge that you are a unit & must behave as one, and not let others come between you.
You need to acknowledge, to him, that you understand that the son has rejected you, and that this may be because he feels that you are an intruder into the family; that, while you know that he is now a grown man with a wife and child, he may still retain these childhood feelings.
Further, you could state that you understand that he does not want to lose his son, or his son's love, or contact with his grand-daughter ~ and that you would not want him to.
However, he must understand that, as you are his wife, you deserve his respect and support and that he must accept that there is bad feeling between him and you and that this is not pleasant for you and makes you feel like an outsider, who does not have her husband's support.
He must understand that it was his decision to be your husband, and, as such, he is your partner partner, and he needs to try to understand your hurt feelings.
You need to acknowledge that you understand that he will not wish to fall out with his son, but he should at least acknowledge, to you, that he is being rude and unpleasant and it would be appreciated if he could have a word with him about it ~ respecting the woman he loves, etc.
You could tell him that you do not want any more arguments about it, as it is tearing your marriage apart, but neither do you want any more dealings with the son and his family, if he is going to make life miserable for you.
Perhaps you can then work out a way of dealing with this, where your husband sees him at certain times, while you visit friends and relatives.
I agree that family counselling would be a really good idea, because it will help you all to see this objectively.
Then you can start to work on the situation.
These are just my thoughts, and some ideas, which came to me as I read your post. I don't know your family, or the situation, so I may not be helping much.
Often, just writing things down helps to allow your mind to sort out some ideas ~ have you had any thoughts, yourself, on what you could do?
Good luck!
PS.
If you feel that raising the issue in conversation might just start another argument, then you could put it in a letter for him to read ~ and explain that you need him to know how you feel; you want to understand how he feels, and you want to sort it out amicably.
