Thank you for all the ideas and perspective, PDM!
In particular, your point about the son feeling that I was/am an intruder is making me think more about that issue. Sonny was 7 when his parents divorced, and 19 when I first starting seeing his father. The three of us all lived together shortly afterward, until (after 6 years of conflict) Sonny moved into his mother's house (who tossed him out within six months). So even if Sonny doesn't perceive me as an intruder with regard to his mother, he certainly saw me, after a year or so, as an intruder with regard to his father. (Sonny essentially got away scot-free with everything imaginable, when it was just him and his father in the house, but along come I, asking about things like chores or paying rent and other normal expectations for a 21-year old.))
...you both need to acknowledge that you are a unit & must behave as one, and not let others come between you.
Further, you could state that you understand that he does not want to lose his son, or his son's love, or contact with his grand-daughter ~ and that you would not want him to.
However, he must understand that, as you are his wife, you deserve his respect and support and that he must accept that there is bad feeling between him and you and that this is not pleasant for you and makes you feel like an outsider, who does not have her husband's support.
He must understand that it was his decision to be your husband, and, as such, he is your partner partner, and he needs to try to understand your hurt feelings.
You need to acknowledge that you understand that he will not wish to fall out with his son, but he should at least acknowledge, to you, that he is being rude and unpleasant and it would be appreciated if he could have a word with him about it ~ respecting the woman he loves, etc.
You could tell him that you do not want any more arguments about it, as it is tearing your marriage apart, but neither do you want any more dealings with the son and his family, if he is going to make life miserable for you.
Those are all great suggestions, and I really like the calm tone of your wording. Unfortunately, I have tried them all with hubby, to no avail, although I may try again when I feel calm and "centered" and less emotional... Hubby's response is usually a nod, an agreement, and then a complete change of subject. Occasionally he is in complete denial of certain incidents; at other times he makes excuses for Sonny that are patently ridiculous, and I feel some respect for him slipping away.
The situation has become so toxic, and the only thing I know to do, with toxic people, is to avoid them, but Sonny is like guillotine constantly hanging over me...
I sometimes wonder if there's such a thing as too much talking it out, or maybe that's just a personal flaw of mine. I'm thinking that actions speak louder than words but I don't have anything concrete in mind...
I am trying to get myself to a zen-like state (lol) with regard to Sonny -- not reacting emotionally, refusing to let his behavior upset me, etc. We'll see...
Thanks for the feedback!
