Hi, I can really empathize with your situation. I was married years ago to a man and my step daughter was the disturbing influence in the relationship. You have gotten some really wonderful advice from PDM. I have some personal experiences I can share that may help. Years ago My ex husband had a very good friend who came to live with us. I didn't have problems with it at first. He seemed like a nice enough guy. Over a period of weeks and months this friend started to get confrontational. If I said one thing he said the opposite. He kept his room filthy and I was expected to clean up after this guy. I finally got fed up and started to complain to my husband about his friend arguing about everything. My husband and I argued occasionally ourselves and so he was not sympathetic to my complaints. On the contrary, he took the friends side and this hurt my feelings. I felt as if my husband should have understood my feelings. I got angry and swore I would not say another word or get goaded into an argument with the friend if my life depended on it. Every time I said something and the friend took the opposing point of view I would just stay quiet and not comment. We were sitting around watching TV one night and this happened about five times. A day or so later, my husband came to me and apologized and said he saw what I was talking about. He realized that his friend was doing exactly what I had said. That showed me something very important about human behavior. When you are complaining to someone about someone they care about, it is common for a person to defend the person they care about because they identify with that person. Because you are complaining and attacking you become viewed as the offending party. When you let the situation speak for itself it becomes much clearer to see. There is not the distraction of your complaints and arguing to stand in the way of seeing exactly what the other person is doing. Only their bad behavior is center stage.
During the period of time your step son lived with you, you and he formed a confrontational relationship. He may be doing things purposely or he may be careless of your feelings. I don't know if you could both establish a different relationship at this point. You probably both have too much mutual dislike to change things now. That unfortunately puts your husband in the middle.I am sure that he would prefer things to be different. He seems to be trying to avoid conflict by visiting at his son's home. You feel like a stranger and an outsider and I am sure he feels somewhat the same if he has to go elsewhere to enjoy the company of his son. You probably would be happier if he would at least acknowledge your right to feel the way you do. That is called validation. Even if he doesn't feel he can do everything he should to make you happy. Validating your feelings would go a long ways toward you feeling as if his loyalty was still with you.
I will be honest though. I have been where you are and it is so hard to keep from complaining about the behavior. This only serves to put him more in the middle and make him feel as if he has to choose between you or his son. I am sure there are times when he wishes that you would understand how this must be tearing him in two.
I don't know if you have tried to make peace and deal with the strife between Sonny and you but after all, it is between Sonny and you. Perhaps being straight forward about the problem with him might be an answer. It doesn't have to be a confrontation. I would not mention the tension it causes between your husband and you. If Sonny is trying to cause trouble in that way, he doesn't need to know it is successful. Perhaps it would clear the air to let him know that you want to have a better relationship with him and his family. You probably don't want it on the surface. From what you have said, you would probably be happy if you didn't ever have to deal with him at all. The truth of the matter is, that you do have to deal with him. He is a huge part of your husbands life and your husband is the other half of yours. It isn't practical to avoid them. You will have Christmas and Thanksgiving and other holidays where there will always be the tension of how to handle getting together. He may feel about you the way PDM suggested. It may also be that you both have gotten caught up in treating each other badly. I am sure you have tried to be fair and treat him correctly. I am also sure that he can tell how you feel about him now. You both don't have to become best friends but you can both agree to treat each other civily and with respect for the sake of the people you love in common. I am sure that you have been doing this all along and that he has been the source of the problems. Now it has become something that is going to take effort on both of your parts. Unfortunately it is going to probably be harder for you. You are the person that has been offended. Sometimes the peacemaker has to be the bigger person. You have more to gain if it is successful and more to loose if it is not. It will only get worse if you don't resolve things. You will only grow more bitter and hurt and resentful toward your husband. You could let Sonny's actions speak for themselves, but maybe your husband doesn't know how to discipline him without loosing contact with his grandchild. It is what it is. He probably feels helpless and when he defends Sonny it is his way of exonerating his own actions. I am sure he will love you all the more for trying to find a solution that is livable for everyone.
Even if your heart is not totaly in it, you would be surprised how people react when they think that you care enough to try and resolve a bad relationship. Wouldn't it be wonderful if he reacted positively and that was enough to make him treat you with respect.
