Interesting.....
Well, when hubby spends time with his granddaughter, he says she seems fine -- a bit spoiled, but fine! ("She doesn't like the word 'no'" ---??)
With regard to the ideologies issue: in a sense, anyone protesting the war is pushing his/her ideology onto others. Each person has the right to make choices about war, military service, etc.,of course, but the rest of us have a right to say, "I disagree -- strongly."
When Sonny made the choice to enlist, he has to expect negative feedback (from hubby & relatives), just as I have to expect negative comments from some passersby when I participate in an anti-war march.
But no, hubby and other passive relations just sort of put on sickly smiles and shrug their shoulders (but then rant and rave about Sonny when he's out of earshot).
My opinion is that they could sit down with Sonny and try to have a dialogue, at least, about why it was a bad choice and how he might prevent making bad choices in the future. I don't know -- is parenting ever "done," or should parents continue to play a guiding or leading role?
On one level, I suppose I have reached a point where I don't honestly care anymore what choices Sonny makes, as long as they don't impact hubby and me. That is cold and probably naive, but I've really truly had it with this situation...
On a more constructive level: Sorry this is so long, but the following is both a specific example of Sonny's actions and a point about parenting methods ---
Years ago I found a book called
When Your Adult Child Won't Grow Up; it was co-written by a psychologist and an advocate of the "Tough Love" approach. There were case histories in the book that were 95% parallel to Sonny's but hubby just wouldn't see the similarities, or on some level simply refused to alter his parenting strategy, failing though it was...
The Tough Love approach could be destructive if used unfairly, but the basic premise is "love the
kid, but say 'no' to unhealthy enabling of kid's bad choices -- not fair to kid & not fair to you." (I think it might have begun as a technique to help parents of drug-addicted kids.)
An example from the book & real life: Kid in mid-twenties has frequent car problems, largely due to fact that he never checks oil, trans fluids, tire pressure; has been told repeatedly to take responsibility for preventing car crises (and be sure to save money for repairs & towing); several times a year kid comes to dad and asks for money for car repairs or entirely new car because he ran old one out of oil & engine seized.
The tough love people recommend that dad sit kid down and say (a) we have an unhealthy, unproductive pattern here, (b) you're not grasping the idea of taking responsibility, and I'm partly to blame for that because I keep bailing you out, (c) I love you and want you to be a happy & successful adult who can cope with difficulties, (d) I am choosing to not rescue you from car crises any more -- that is my policy.
Of course the kid will come to dad shortly afterward, asking for money for the car, and the dad should express
sympathy ("I'm sure it will be difficult finding alternative transportation to work, & saving up to get your car fixed") but
not hand over money.
Kid will throw tantrum, and say hurtful things, but dad has to take deep breaths, support kid emotionally,
and reiterate his policy & "hang tough" on the decision.
This is certainly not easy for parents, no doubt, but the goal is to let kid make choices and handle outcomes of choices. It also serves to protect dad's finances!
This whole approach makes perfect sense to me, and regardless of what trendy label one applies, it's what was called ("back in the day") the
grow up! parenting approach!!
I didn't list specific Sonny behaviors earlier because I was trying to keep my posts down to a dull roar, length-wise, but I see that they would offer perspective, so here goes:
When we all lived in same house (he was 22-27)-----
-When hubby & I were out, he and friends smoked in house (dad is rabidly anti-smoking)
-" " " " " " , had friends over who had sex in our bed
-" " " " " ", had loud parties which neighbors complained about; continued to do so after being told "no parties!"
-lost job after job because he just didn't show up for days at a time
-paid rent a total of one month
-didn't complete his one chore/responsibility; we had meeting after meeting, re: want a
different chore? but rarely ever completed the one thing asked of him
-regularly flooded bathroom floor when showering & won't mop up
-refused to make sure there was bread, milk, toilet tissue, etc. left for other people - used up whatever he wanted and didn't replace or help with any shopping
-had gang-banger friends in house and garage
-repeatedly left garage door unlocked when he left; garage got robbed
-when his one responsibility was to wash dishes, he refused for four days at a stretch, and repeated that several times -- kitchen was covered with filthy dishes on a regular basis
-when I lost my temper and told him that the dishes must be washed today, darn it, I came home from work to find them all piled up on my side of bed
After he moved out:
-lived with mother briefly and broke every rule of her house within two weeks -- parties, smoking, etc.
-called (about an hour before niece's wedding) to ask dad to drive an hour out of his way to bring him dress clothes (in closet at our house) for wedding; I said, "No way -- he can go to store & buy new or go in slob clothes -- I can't drop everything & rush to make
his newly-imposed deadline, & he should have thought of this earlier" but dad said, "Sure, Sonny" -- we have terrible argument & I skip wedding
-takes 17-yr. old girl for ride on his motorcycle, has accident, and has let insurance policy lapse; girl's parents' insurance covers her medical bills and they don't sue Sonny; accident was caused by his failure to do basic maintenance on bike (which he had been taught since childhood)
-calls dad about going into army; dad asks what mother thinks about the idea; Sonny says, "She's all for it!" which turns out to be an outright lie.
-Sonny announces that he's joined the army; after I spend a day picking up the pieces of
devastated dad/hubby, and trying to console Sonny's mother, I get idiotic e-mail from daughter-in-law re: "Isn't this swell? Let's all throw a going-away dinner for Sonny!" I "snap" and send reply re: "this is a catastrophic decision -- everyone's freaking out -- he lied -- he's pulled some stunts in the past but this really takes the cake -- sure we can all have a lovely dinner, if you call grown adults sobbing into their dinner napkins a lovely time..." D.-in-L. then calls
hubby's cell phone to
complain about me! "
Something has to be
done about Paula - she said awful things about Sonny!" She also decides not to invite me to granddaughter's 4th birthday party...
-at hubby's family bridal shower (all women), D.-in-L shows up with Sonny, who procedes to sit down and chow down. Five of hubby's relatives, one by one, pull me aside to ask why on earth
Sonny is here; I am as stunned as they and say, "I have no idea," and eventually resent that they are asking me instead of Sonny or D.-in-L.......
If any hardy souls are still reading, please accept my gratitude! Thanks for "listening" ----
