You seem to be feeling sad, angry and confused as to why you and your feelings are not being given enough, or any, consideration.
It sounds as if your husband may feel that he is stuck in the middle of a very difficult situation, not knowing how best to move forward, so doing very little at all about it.
The 'wicked stepmother' scenario is not an unusual one ~ hence all the fairy tales. It's not that the stepmother is really wicked, necessarily, it's just that she is a step-mother. And if step-children think that they are being pushed out, they may push harder to prove ~ even if unconsciously ~ that they are still the apple of their father's eye, and that the new wife is an outsider. This could be happening here.
It sounds like things have become so bad that only counselling will help.
I do think, though, that you need to pick your battles carefully on this one.
It does sound to me as if the son is still taking the role of the child, even though he is a married father. This may go back to emotions surrounding his mother. It may be to do with the way that he is treated now.
'"No" he cannot move into our house if he wrecks his marriage,
"no" we will not give him money because he's too lazy to get a job,
"no" we will not endlessly bail him out of his troubles
or make excuses for him to the rest of the family...'
These sound like reasonable expectations. On the other hand, many parents help out their family in times of financial difficulty or marital breakdown ~ flexibility is probably key here.
Has he wrecked a marriage? ~ The way you describe him & his wife sounded like a joint front, so have I got the wrong impression?
Does he not have a job? ~ Is he not in the army now?
How often do you need to bail him out of troubles? ~ What sort of troubles?
Is he not popular with the rest of the family? ~ Who has he offended?
I'm guessing that many people join the forces for the training opportunities. If he needs a job and money, then this is a positive move, surely?
As for supporting the war, as I said, I was/am completely against it, but I wouldn't equate joining the army with being a racist, a rapist or a Nazi. Some bad things have been done by some soldiers, but joining the army is not illegal ~ and many would not consider it immoral, either. Many would consider it a very noble thing to do. One cannot place one's own ideologies onto others.
As for criminal relatives, though some families would expel them from their lives, others would say that they hate the crime, but still love the individual. If it were me, personally, it would depend on the whole situation; the person, my relationship with them, their background, the crime, etc.
What exactly do step-son & daughter-in-law do that is deliberately rude and offensive to you?
Maybe, with a few specifics, it would be easier to contemplate the situation.
From what you say, it sounds as if you have tried hard to make this work, but can you think of anything that you might have done, yourself, to aggravate your step-son?
If this couple were to come on here, and give their side of the story, what do you think they might say?
If your husband were to come on here, and give his side of the story, what do you think he might say?
If you were an objective observer, do you think you would see things the same or differently?
And how is the little girl coping with all this strife?
