Wow!
Is it just his personality, or is he just trying the children's behaviour of how far can I push Mummy & Daddy before they stop loving me? That is bad behaviour ~ no doubt about it.
I'll probably come back to this but first of all, I think that lots of kids are a bit like this ~ I say a bit. My son needs to be asked a few times before he remembers he's agreed to wash up, for example. On the other hand, he's a lot younger.
He has parties, but takes it upon himself to tell his friends that no smoking is allowed and no-one may go in the bedrooms, etc. On the other hand, he is one of just a few friends who don't come from broken homes. Stability is key, I think, in kids.
I know someone who, shall we say, took advantage of the hospitality of relatives ~ in effect, playing the blood relative off against the married partner. It caused friction, until that person was asked to leave, and this caused additional friction within the wider family, but the person matured and settled down and became independent. The relationship between all parties is now pretty good. Husband, though willing to support relative, stuck by wife, saying it was her home and that other people could not be allowed to upset the household. The thing is, the relative was not 'offspring'. That can make a huge difference, I think.
Anyway, to get back to your manchild. He is now 37. When he lived with you he was 27. Has any maturing taken place? Presumably the days of sex parties in your bed are over. (Presumably he should now be feeling guilty and ashamed that he ever allowed them to happen.)
How old was he at the time of the motor-bike accident?
He couldn't keep down a job, but he joined the army. Maybe the training and discipline would help him. Is he still in the army?
Obviously, the fact that his father is worried sick about him didn't enter his head, but was this done with malice, or because of thoughtlessness, or because he thought that it was the only way for him to grow up and be a man at last?
I think, also, it has probably become very hard now to see the wood for the trees ~ the things that other people do, just because they are not like you, and the things they do, just to be awkward.
I once had a mother and baby party at my home. It was for my little-one's birthday, but it was just for mothers and babies/toddlers. My sister-in-law was invited with her toddler ~ but brother-in-law and father-in-law turned up with her ~ and stayed. They just thought that, as it was a family birthday, they could come. I had told my own family that it was not that kind of do, so they hadn't come, but ...
Other families do things differently, and when you marry into another family, as we all tend to do, there are going to be misunderstandings and different values, etc.
This chap is still behaving like a teenager ~ probably the 19-year-old he was when you came on the scene. Until he was 7, he had Mummy & Daddy. From then, until 19, he had Dad to himself. Then you arrived and turned his world upside down. He's still stuck at that same age ~ relying on Dad, resenting the new lady, who has usurped his place as number 1 in Dad's life, and he's constantly checking that Dad still loves him, no matter what he does, and that even the new lady can't change that.
How much do his parents love him? ~ Enough to 'sob into their dinner napkins' because he has joined the army.
How much does his Dad love him? ~ Enough to 'drive an hour out of his way to bring him dress clothes'.
Does your appearance on the scene change things? ~ No, you didn't even go to the wedding.
How far can he push his Dad, before his Dad stops loving him?
How far can he push his Dad, before his Dad stops loving him more than he loves you?
It's a constant test, and I'm guessing that he doesn't even realise. He needs help to mature emotionally.
Because that's what kids need ~ to be loved more than anyone or anything else in the world ~ unconditionally.But he is an adult.
And he is still a kid. A bit of him is that 7-year-old, the rest is that 19-year-old. Some is now 37, but he's not being allowed out much.
I really think that counselling is the only answer. That boy-man needs to see things objectively. Probably you all do by now.
Hubby is just locked in the middle of something that he can't cope with. What is he supposed to do? Whatever he does will look as if he loves one of you more than the other. He can't bear that ~ and he can't bear to lose his boy and grandchild. He probably can't bear to lose you, either, but he's burying his head in the sand on that one, because his brain can't take on any more conflicting emotions.
Is counselling an option?
Would everyone agree to it?
