I have to admit to u guys here I was too immature and childish before. When I met him, he was 28, and I was 22. I grow up in China and live on campus almost for 22 years, coz my mom is a teacher, and my parents living place in just on campus. I grow up in that environment and myself became a university teacher at 21. (I went to school very early).
Anyways, my point is, even comparing with lots of Chinese, I am sort of too innocent and naive; while he is much more mature than me. He traveled more than 38 countries, and he is 6 year older than me. When he went to my university and became my co-worker and then we fall in love, I always think it's like a fairytale. He exactly satisfies all my fantacy of a prince of charming. I was so lost all of a sudden. I could not believe it's true. I love him so much that i always always worry that he will leave me one day. Thus, I behave more and more abnormal. Sometimes, he gave me less attention, I immediately connect is with his love. And I scream, shout. I once throw away all his stuff outside and asked him to get out; and I once shouted and cried to him in front of a supermarket in Sweden; Now when i think back, I regretted so much that why i have to do that. When i did it, I just want to see whether he will leave me this time. He cried so much when I shouted in front of everyone. He told me that the Swedish may think he is maltreating me or sth. that they may call the police. And even that time, he did not leave me. He still forgave me. And Chrismas, we argued again, and I left with my suitcase, and he told me if I leave, then we will really over. But again, to test his love, I jumped on the train, even though I was so nervous that i will lose him for real this time. However, he still called me finally and forgave me again, and picked me up by car. He told me that if any person from Scandinavia culture knows how he treats me, they will think he is mentally sick. And that's his love to me. He doubts that there are any person in this world will love another person like he does to me.
I hate myself so much. I am a kind, loving, and smiling person to everyone, and all my friends, teachers in Sweden and in his family likes me. But I really really dont know why I behave so extremely in front of him. I really hate myself so much. I love him too much. Sometimes, when I go to sleep, I worry that i will die for some reason during sleep, and by thinking about he will be the only one in this harsh world, I cried out of head.
I love him that much that I could not see him as a white Western guy, but only him. That unique stubborn and weried person in my life. I dont care he has money or not. I tried so hard to find job in Sweden, and I even want to take any xxxxx job I wouldn't even thought about in China, just becasue I dont want him to pay for me anymore. I want him to use his money to have fun.
We joked before. If he has 10 krone, and he will use 5 to pay tax, and give me 4, and have one only by himself.
Now I have finally found a job in Sweden. And finally grow up, but he choose to leave now. How can I forgot him. There are memories all over China, Europe, coz we have been travling a lot in China, and Europe. He told me he wanted to bring me to all the places he has been to. Where should I go? I feel I am such a shallow empty body now without knowing where my heart is now.
And that's the reason why It's really really hard for me to just give him up. He did too much for me before, and I don't even have chance to repay his love back:(
Last edited by PDM; 10/03/07 09:52 PM.
