Jo, to answer your questions:
Both J and T are aware of each other. J definitely got the idea that I left him for someone else, since I was too chicken to leave when I needed to, and I've been open with T about my recurring feelings for J. I tell him when I've spent time with J and J knows that T is at my apartment all the time.
When I moved out of the apartment J and I shared, I got one of my own - so technically, I live by myself. But as I said, things between T and I moved quickly and he stayed here most nights. I've recently asked him to sleep at his own apartment (to help me separate myself and let me think) but we still have class together, take care of Jachimo my parakeet together, and generally spend a lot of time together. Ostensibly it seems that might help answer my problem, if I'm spending my time with T and not J, but part of me thinks I'm doing it simply because I've gotten used to it, and spending time with J now just dredges up a lot of emotions that I can't handle.
A large part of the problem is me (obviously). I have a major problem with patience in almost every aspect of my life, and my love life is no different. Practically speaking, I have to consider that I'll be leaving this town for a different one next summer when I enter a PhD program, and both boys have expressed interest in applying to the same schools as me. Consequently, I feel responsible for their futures as well as mine, at least a little. The application process starts end of summer. I know, I know, it sounds really stupid to base the timeline of this decision around school applications, but do you guys understand the practicality of my worry regarding that? I hope so, because I feel kind of crazy.
I find myself sitting at my computer looking at old photos of J and I, and looking at new photos of T and I, and wondering in which photo I look happiest. I've stooped to pretty ridiculous lows
Heh.
The good news is, only fifteen pages left to write until I'm done with my first year of my Master's program! Gotta find the silver lining, right?
