It sounds ridiculous for me to even say it, but right now I'm truly in love with two people who are in love with me. Allow me to break down this soap opera-esque situation for you all:
I dated a boy, we'll call him J for mystery's sake, for 2 1/2 years starting when I was twenty. After about eight months we moved in together (he took an internship in Tucson, I moved with him, then we got an apartment together when we moved back to Nebraska). J is a fantastic person and understands me and my sense of things (people, humor, etc.) better than anyone in the world. But from even fairly early on, I had some basic problems. J royally sucked at expressing himself emotionally, and I felt like he could tell me he "loved me" all he wanted, but I couldn't believe him if he didn't show me. He regularly refused to admit there was a problem, which only made me more angry because I felt like he wasn't listening.
But I didn't leave him. I was too wimpy to do it, and knew I couldn't be alone. Along comes a boy named T. I met T in my first semester of Grad school, a good two years into J and I's relationship. He's boisterous, exciting, and above all, he expresses his emotions with honesty and clarity. I fell for him, and before things got out of hand I left J and moved into my own apartment.
Things progressed quickly with T, too quickly. I wasn't over J, and that was obvious, but I was going to power through because I thought it was best for me. A couple of months into T and I's relationship (so, about a month ago) I started having very real and very sincere doubts about my decision to leave J. We had something really strong and really special, but I became so frustrated by his utter refusal to even discuss our future together that I completely shut down my emotions to him. But now, I'd started to love him again. Really. It was, as you might imagine, putting a damper on my relationship with T.
I've been in contact with J again, discussing the possibility of starting a relationship up again. He took the time and the willpower to really dig deep and tell me how he felt about me and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, which was EXACTLY what I was hoping he'd be able to say, but six months ago. Too little, too late, I wonder? So anyway, the history I have with J is very powerful and I believe him when he says he wants to help me feel better about our relationship.
But I really truly love T, too. We've created a bond that's not as strong as J and I's, but I'm sure it could be if given the time. He doesn't quite understand me the same, sometimes I feel alienated from him because I'm thinking about how much more comfortable I'd be in some situation with J instead of him, but most of the time we get along swimmingly.
The other variable, for which I Feel like a huge jerk but I just can't get over, is that I'm much more sexually attracted to T (the new guy) than I am to J (the ex). It's as simple as that - I'm more attracted to him.
So: I have the history, the promises, and the connection to J but not the sexual attraction. And I have the potential, the emotional openness, and attraction to T but not the history or the (immediate) level of comfort.
For a long long time, I KNEW I would marry J. That's what's hard - when I picture myself married, I picture him still. Do I have to try to get over my old feelings for J and look forward to seeing what my future with T brings? Or do I truly belong with J and need to end things with T asap?
Honestly this is the last thing I should have to worry about in the middle of finals week, but it's all I think about. It's really xxxxxxx hard, because I don't want to hurt ANYBODY. When I'm with T, I miss J. When I'm with J, I miss T. It's monumentally stupid and to be honest I wouldn't normally post this on the internet but I don't have anyone in person to talk to about it. My mom's useless, my best friends are also T's best friends so they're biased, and I suck at making close girl friends anyway. I'd appreciate a chance to discuss it with other people.
Thanks.
Last edited by PDM; 05/01/09 01:13 AM.
