It sounds ridiculous for me to even say it, but right now I'm truly in love with two people who are in love with me. Allow me to break down this soap opera-esque situation for you all:

I dated a boy, we'll call him J for mystery's sake, for 2 1/2 years starting when I was twenty. After about eight months we moved in together (he took an internship in Tucson, I moved with him, then we got an apartment together when we moved back to Nebraska). J is a fantastic person and understands me and my sense of things (people, humor, etc.) better than anyone in the world. But from even fairly early on, I had some basic problems. J royally sucked at expressing himself emotionally, and I felt like he could tell me he "loved me" all he wanted, but I couldn't believe him if he didn't show me. He regularly refused to admit there was a problem, which only made me more angry because I felt like he wasn't listening.

But I didn't leave him. I was too wimpy to do it, and knew I couldn't be alone. Along comes a boy named T. I met T in my first semester of Grad school, a good two years into J and I's relationship. He's boisterous, exciting, and above all, he expresses his emotions with honesty and clarity. I fell for him, and before things got out of hand I left J and moved into my own apartment.

Things progressed quickly with T, too quickly. I wasn't over J, and that was obvious, but I was going to power through because I thought it was best for me. A couple of months into T and I's relationship (so, about a month ago) I started having very real and very sincere doubts about my decision to leave J. We had something really strong and really special, but I became so frustrated by his utter refusal to even discuss our future together that I completely shut down my emotions to him. But now, I'd started to love him again. Really. It was, as you might imagine, putting a damper on my relationship with T.
I've been in contact with J again, discussing the possibility of starting a relationship up again. He took the time and the willpower to really dig deep and tell me how he felt about me and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, which was EXACTLY what I was hoping he'd be able to say, but six months ago. Too little, too late, I wonder? So anyway, the history I have with J is very powerful and I believe him when he says he wants to help me feel better about our relationship.
But I really truly love T, too. We've created a bond that's not as strong as J and I's, but I'm sure it could be if given the time. He doesn't quite understand me the same, sometimes I feel alienated from him because I'm thinking about how much more comfortable I'd be in some situation with J instead of him, but most of the time we get along swimmingly.
The other variable, for which I Feel like a huge jerk but I just can't get over, is that I'm much more sexually attracted to T (the new guy) than I am to J (the ex). It's as simple as that - I'm more attracted to him.

So: I have the history, the promises, and the connection to J but not the sexual attraction. And I have the potential, the emotional openness, and attraction to T but not the history or the (immediate) level of comfort.

For a long long time, I KNEW I would marry J. That's what's hard - when I picture myself married, I picture him still. Do I have to try to get over my old feelings for J and look forward to seeing what my future with T brings? Or do I truly belong with J and need to end things with T asap?

Honestly this is the last thing I should have to worry about in the middle of finals week, but it's all I think about. It's really xxxxxxx hard, because I don't want to hurt ANYBODY. When I'm with T, I miss J. When I'm with J, I miss T. It's monumentally stupid and to be honest I wouldn't normally post this on the internet but I don't have anyone in person to talk to about it. My mom's useless, my best friends are also T's best friends so they're biased, and I suck at making close girl friends anyway. I'd appreciate a chance to discuss it with other people.

Thanks.

To add a few obvious thoughts that came to me later:

1) obviously I have the option of "neither of them, right now" which I know is the smartest option, but I have to be honest with myself. I'm awful at being alone. And I don't want to hurt both of them.

2) I know this sounds like a stupid problem to have, but I'm really surprised by how much it's hurting me. I constantly feel like a jerk about the whole thing, like I'm giving them both the run-around even though I really don't want to. I change my mind seventy bajillion times a day, and every time I look into either J or T's face I imagine a different future for myself. If I got back together with J I'd probably be engaged within a month or two, and if I stayed with T I know it wouldn't take him as long to be able to discuss our future as it took J to come around. So this is, essentially, like picking the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

That sounds so very stupid, typing it out like that, but that's how it feels. And it's eating up all of my energy and brain power...

I would love to help you, but I am going to sleep.
I will just give a brief advice right now, and then perhaps I will make a longer post.
Just take it calmly for the time being.
Try to relax and don't rush the situation.
Finish your finals week, and with a calm mind you will be best for taking the decision.
As said in Kung Fu Panda, your mind is like agitated water, if you allow it to settle the answer becomes clear.
That's all for now, then I will post about relationships and such. Good luck with the tests!

Hello Katie Sue

I don't think that you are the only person to have been in this situation.

My Mum had a friend who was in love with two boys at the same trime. When one of then was in a car accident, she suddenly realised who was right for her.

Maybe it would be possible for you to live with either of these young men, for the rest of you life, but which one couldn't you live without?

I think that you are right ~ that the "neither of them, right now" option is 'the smartest'. To say that you can't do this because you are 'awful at being alone' isn't really a good argument against. As for not wanting 'to hurt both of them' ~ well, one of them is likely to be hurt, anyway.

If you went back to J, would you go back to feeling frustrated at his behaviour and leave him again?


Are you in love with him?
Or do you want to go back to him, as if he were a comfort blanket?

It sounds as if you aren't in love with him, because you are not attacted to him. It sounds as if you love him, but are not in love with him.

Trying to sort this out 'in the middle of finals week' simply isn't going to happen ~ you have too much on your mind.

Try to take time out from these romantic entanglements and sort out your exams first.

When exam pressure is off, think again, then, about your romantic future. It may be that neither of these men is to be the one you will spend the rest of your life with.

Consider:

'I have the potential, the emotional openness, and attraction to T but not the history or the (immediate) level of comfort.'

This says that, in spite of all T has to offer, you still want to go back to J.

'I'm much more sexually attracted to T (the new guy) than I am to J (the ex)'

So, you are considering going back to, and spending your life with, someone you are not attracted to sexually, and who doesn't offer what T offers.

If you would give up one man for another; yet the other is the one you are not attracted to, then I don't see how you can be ready to settle down with either of them.

I can understand why you feel awful about this, but get your priorities sorted out and concentrate on finals for now.

Then decide whether you really want one of these men as a life partner, or whether you just don't want to be alone.

Maybe you should wait a while, before making decisions about your future.

Good luck!

I totally agree with that advice. When I was 24 I fell in love with 2 men, and married one. 25 years later, the one I married left me, and the other is still a friend. I still love them both. I married the one I felt obligated to marry, the one whose feelings I didn't want to hurt. The one who my brain told me was the right one. wrong. In retrospect, it's good to find out if the potential partner's family rules are the same as your family rules. How do u handle anger? do u talk? or do you keep quiet? Money? spend or save? house work, clean or messy? Does the family gossip or not? What kind of shows do they like? goofy comedy? sophisticate comedy? technical? non-tech? it's good to get allignment on as many of these 'environmental' things as possible, so you dont' end up wasting time arguing about it.
I'd take a long break if I were you. Step back, get far away, and mull it over for a few months. Not 'mope' it over, really make the effort to picture what your future would be like with either person. I suspect neither is 'the one'. not 'some one' but 'some three' will get hurt.
Good luck. Read Ephesians.

Hi & thanks for the input, Mozeyjava.
You make some very good points.
And welcome to the forum.

Thanks for the advice, guys. I really appreciate it. I know I don't want my decision, whatever it may be, to be swayed by which of them I would hurt more...in a situation like this, it should be about my happiness. I have to take care of me, right now.

You guys have been helpful. mozeyjava, you pose an interesting question because it is important that I think about who I could actually LIVE with and be around all the time. I know I can live with and get along with J because I did for almost two years, and T is with me almost all the time and stays here at my apartment and we get along great that way (he cooks a lot, which I like!) I have a ton in common with both of them. J and I have similar humor and T and I are both English grad students so we have our lifestyles in common.

Bah. The more I talk about it the more sick of it I get. I shall just take a break for a while. I need to get through my final seminar papers and sleep for the entirety of May.

Thanks again! I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my little problem :P

You did not mention if they are aware of each other. You also did not mention if T lives with you or just spends a lot of time at your apartment. These facts are important in a situation like yours. I say this because your position is complicated enough without the element of deception in the mix. By that I mean that you have a very complicated set of decisions to make and you are very concerned about hurting one of them and if they do not know about each other they could feel decieved and be even more hurt.

You also didn't mention if T thinks you already are a couple and if you are in a committed relationship.

I was in love with two people once and very much like your situation. They both had attributes that I loved and choosing was very difficult.

I can tell you that it tore me in two for many months and caused me to have tension headaches and horrible guilt.

You basically carried on with your life and found someone who gave you what you wanted and needed from a man. Then your ex stepped up and showed you the emotions you had always wanted and became what you had always wanted him to be.

I don't think it is a matter of being able to decide what you want while you are able to have them both. I truly believe you need to separate yourself from both for a while until your heart tells you which one you truly yearn for. I think that J would or should understand that you have been seeing someone else and he should know as soon as possible. The situation with T will be a little harder if he is living with you. Living by yourself and giving yourself the time you need to figure this out is important and T should be able to understand that you need some alone time to decide where your life if going. If and when you decide to see either of them again, they should both know about the other. If you are not open and up front you run the risk of loosing their trust and respect. Honesty and being open about their feelings is what you respect in both of them so I am sure it is important for them to recieve it from you. As long as you can see each of them and have them around you when ever you want, you will not be able to decide which one you cannot live without. You could live with either, but the stronger emotion that will haunt you for the rest of your life is...Which one could you "Not" live without. You will know eventually, even if you have to date them both openly for a while. The one that wants you to be happy will hang in there. The one that loves you the most will go the long haul. The one that loves you the most will not give up.

Jo, to answer your questions:

Both J and T are aware of each other. J definitely got the idea that I left him for someone else, since I was too chicken to leave when I needed to, and I've been open with T about my recurring feelings for J. I tell him when I've spent time with J and J knows that T is at my apartment all the time.

When I moved out of the apartment J and I shared, I got one of my own - so technically, I live by myself. But as I said, things between T and I moved quickly and he stayed here most nights. I've recently asked him to sleep at his own apartment (to help me separate myself and let me think) but we still have class together, take care of Jachimo my parakeet together, and generally spend a lot of time together. Ostensibly it seems that might help answer my problem, if I'm spending my time with T and not J, but part of me thinks I'm doing it simply because I've gotten used to it, and spending time with J now just dredges up a lot of emotions that I can't handle.

A large part of the problem is me (obviously). I have a major problem with patience in almost every aspect of my life, and my love life is no different. Practically speaking, I have to consider that I'll be leaving this town for a different one next summer when I enter a PhD program, and both boys have expressed interest in applying to the same schools as me. Consequently, I feel responsible for their futures as well as mine, at least a little. The application process starts end of summer. I know, I know, it sounds really stupid to base the timeline of this decision around school applications, but do you guys understand the practicality of my worry regarding that? I hope so, because I feel kind of crazy.

I find myself sitting at my computer looking at old photos of J and I, and looking at new photos of T and I, and wondering in which photo I look happiest. I've stooped to pretty ridiculous lows Heh.

The good news is, only fifteen pages left to write until I'm done with my first year of my Master's program! Gotta find the silver lining, right?

Would it be possible to go away for a while after finals?
Without the boys ~ perhaps with family?
Then see how you feel.

Unfortunately, not really. I have to stick around and work for the English department, write my thesis, etc. I'm going to have to make an active effort not to see them for a while, I guess. Maybe I'll spend more time at my mom's house in Omaha - only 40 minutes away. Good advice, though.

Also, PDM, may I ask where you're from, exactly? It says your locale is the UK Midlands - three years ago I studied for a term at Lancaster University and have a severe and nearly obsessive love-affair with England. I've been back since to go backpacking, and I really hope I'll be able to go back again this summer. Your photo of the cliffs reminds me of my backpacking trip! So beautiful!

Hi Katie Sue.

'The Midlands' is the area right in the middle of England, while Lancaster is 'up North', as we sometimes say.

I took that photo of 'the white cliffs of Dover' from the ferry on our return from a holiday in France & Spain.

I'm glad you like England.

This might seem off the wall but I am going to put it out there.

You said you hated to be alone. Then you explained your dilema with the feelings that you have for both of these "boys".

You strike me as a very goal oriented woman with an eye on her future. You sound educated and like you know where your going and what you want out of life.

Your real future is years away. By the time your education if over and you have time to devote to a real relationship and all that involves, you will probably be interested in a entirely different kind of "man" not boy. I realize that may have only been a verbal reference but perhaps it is a little telling.

Has it occured to you that your real dilemma is not being content to be alone. If you can turn down the burner a little and be content with your own company and your life and your plans perhaps you will find that the right relationship will come into your life when you are "really" ready for it.

Just as sex complicates a relationship and changes it a relationship can complicate life and change it. Sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is wait to complicate our lives.

I spent too many years with a man I thought loved me, while I loved him too dearly. We are not together any longer. After we split I heard he had gone "down hill". His standards were never the same as mine after all. After wasting so many years on the wrong one, I am with the right one who was always there for me, always my dearest friend. He waited! I am blessed beyond belief. Go with your heart. Also, timing is everything. Good luck, and listen to your heart. It never lies!

I think that this may be playing a part, too.

I dated a man back when I was in collage.

He made me quit collage and I had no more education until I went back to school.

I've always home-schooled my daughter.

You shouldn't date ANY MAN in collage. I don't care how nice he is in his heart. My first husband was that way. He got me to quit collage and acted too nice and then I knew what was going on. I have had a new husband ever since.

I can assure you that college has nothing to do with it. I've already completed my Bachelor's degree, which I did while I was with J, and just finished my first year of my Master's degree. No man, no matter how good, would convince me to jeopardize my education and career. A "good" man wouldn't ask that of me.

I have been working a lot lately on being alone. For the first time in many years, I'm actually sleeping alone in my bed, which is quite an adjustment but one I'm growing used to more and more each day.

This is still something I struggle with, each and every day. I know it's a matter of time, though. I know at some point in time my true feelings will become more clear to me, and it will simply be a matter of me finding the courage to hurt someone I love (whether it be one or both of them).

You are probably right.