I would like hubby to make it clear to sonny that there are serious, long-term consequences to his behavior: "No" he cannot move into our house if he wrecks his marriage, "no" we will not give him money because he's too lazy to get a job, "no" we will not endlessly bail him out of his troubles or make excuses for him to the rest of the family...
Suppose your cousin became a rapist; would you continue to invite him/her over to your house, once they got out of prison? If your best friend joined some horrid club that runs around beating up gay people, wouldn't you stop speaking to him/her and cut him/her out of your life?
I don't expect hubby to ever cut sonny out of his life, but I do expect him to stand up, speak up, and do the right thing, with regard to his wife (me) as well as larger ethical considerations (evidently he joined the army to get specific job training, not caring that he was supporting Bush/Cheney's oil war).
Sonny does not have to share my opinions, but he does have to recognize that there are consequences to offending people (for example, I do not invite into my home or offer hospitality to those who are pro-war any more than I would tolerate Ku Klux Klan members or Nazis!).
The basic issue is that if hubby wishes to be a doormat or enabler or fool for his son, fine, but he does not have a right to impose those roles onto me.
Sometimes in life it really does come down to "black & white," right and wrong. Refusing to confront or set boundaries with sonny when he is rude, inappropriate, unethical, taking advantage, etc. to me is just plain wrong. It places sonny's every little selfish demand above my basic needs (respect, sense of security, etc.).
I will give this more thought and return when I can...
[With regard to the "hard-edged negotiation style" -- I have, over the years, tried every negotiation style imaginable. At this point, I am trying to be clear (in my head) about the line between hard-edged and assertive/firm-but-fair. On some sort of instinctive level, I need to be sure that I am protecting myself as well as the marriage, whereas I used to focus exclusively on what was healthiest for the marriage. Maybe I'm just burnt-out...]
