It can be difficult I think, to accept that, when you marry an individual, you are, to a degree, marrying a family. And you are never going to get on 100% well with every member of that family.
The one person you can usually vent to, in private, is your spouse ~ but if you are criticising the spouse's family, that's not going to be very helpful. It's a difficult one.
With regard to joining the army, I too found this to be an surprising example. At 37, he can fo whatever he wishes. He's married and his wife supported him,. That's the end of the matter as far as I, from an objective viewpoint, see the matter.
True, to join up when one has a little child is something that I, personally, would be concerned about. And I could see that the worry would be very stressful to his father. But that's life. He is an adult and free to make such choices. Others make similar choices. You and I may agree that it was an unethical war, but plenty of people supported it. He has the right to do so, surely?
I wonder ~ is it just possible that he responds as a kid, because he is treated like a kid?
I'm not quite sure why you say:
"If he were my kid, I would have disowned him ... his enlistment was .. the very last straw, and is categorically unforgivable and unacceptable."
I can understand you feeling that it was a bad choice, in your opinion, but isn't this just your personal opinion, which he doesn't share ~ and doesn't have to share?
Is it possible that the relationship has broken down so badly that anything he does seems wrong to you and anything you do seems wrong to him?
I'm not trying to apportion blame, just trying to disentangle the threads.
What would you like Hubby to say 'no' to, exactly?
