I appreciate all this great advice.
I don't think I explained enough, though, or perhaps I wasn't as clear as I should have. I did initiate discussions, several years ago, and Sonny is completely "clueless" -- doesn't even seem to understand what the issues are! He has absolved himself of all responsibility, and hubby has unwittingly contributed to that...
The other problem is that recently, at 37 years old, he went into the army, against the advice of everyone except his wife who shrugged her shoulders, in spite of having a 3-year old daughter, the larger issues of an unethical war, etc.
He was out after two months with a medical discharge, but nonetheless his decision was absolutely wrong for every imaginable reason. If he were my kid, I would have disowned him -- seriously.
My point is that his enlistment was, to me, the very last straw, and is categorically unforgivable and unacceptable.
So --- if we were talking about a few minor incidents, or an 18-year old kid, then I would consider trying to mend fences.
As the saying goes, you can't change someone else, you can only change your own choices.
This whole thing (esp. forum members' feedback) has been helpful, particularly in the sense of realizing that I'm even beyond anger with regard to Sonny; my real issues are with hubby. If there is no possibility of Sonny & wife getting along respectfully with me, then my focus must be on my marriage, and to an extent on protecting myself. I've tried "peacemaker," I've tried "doormat," so let's see how "calm maintainer of boundaries" goes!
I truly do appreciate the ideas you folks have posted, and I will continue to give all of this tremendous thought...
