You did not go into detail about his behavior or that you had tried to speak with him. I am a little puzzled about your example and your description of how it is "the last straw and unforgivable". How does making a decision about joining the service equate with unforgivable behavior in your eyes? I believe you are using this as an example of "self centered behavior" however if his very action somehow affected the relationship you personally have with him, I am confused. At 37 years old, the best we can hope is that our children treat us with respect due a parent but that does not extend to actually "taking" the advice we give them. Most of the time we are lucky if they listen. Frankly, as good as our advice might seem, they in fact show character if they listen and then factor that advice into their decisions but do not follow it word for word. You mentioned that your real problem is with your husband, however, he also has the right to decide how he wants to handle his son. He also has the responsibility to show you that he respects your feelings. If he does not agree with you on how that is done, then working out a compromise that addresses the most important issues is the way that is done. Those issues should be what you can both live with. Talking with your husband so that you both understand what is most important to each of you is important. His son is a grown man and has a life of his own. Your relationship with your husband and the mutual respect you have for each other's position and feelings are what directly impact your lives. If you go to counseling, they will not play referee. They will tell you that no one is right or wrong. There is only a "right way". Figuring out a solution that you can both live with is what they do. It sounds like stepping back is what you are considering and I think you are on the right track but dissasociating yourself from the son entirely will not bring you happiness. Sometimes a situation becomes so entangled and convuluted that we become so frustrated that we loose site of just exactly what will resolve it and make us happy. Sometimes we have to get help to enable us to see what the basic issues really are. I think it is probably important to you to know your husband's loyalties are with you. He on the other hand may feel there are issues you need to accept. You can both still enjoy your grandchild and a family relationship as long as everyone can agree on how that relationship is defined.
