Marioman,I read all of your posts and it does appear that you have tried very hard from the beginning to correct any faults you felt you had. It takes a caring intelligent person to self examine and take control of their emotions and change their behavior. You appeared to do just that when your girlfriend complained that you were too jealous. Recently you even sought counseling and tried to get her to join you. That is the sign of someone who is willing to work on a relationship and is open minded. I realize you have come to think that you have a problem with jealousy and that you think you are controlling but I see it a little differently. I will share my thoughts with you for what they are worth.
I believe anyone who has been in a close loving relationship that includes being intimate in every way has a right to question the one they love about inappropriate text messages. It was an accident that you discovered them. You were not trying to invade her privacy. It was not an act of jealousy to answer the phone but a natural act of consideration for her sleep. When you found those messages you had every right to worry and be alarmed. At this point, your girlfriend had a responsibility to the relationship to respect your feelings regarding her friend. She did not do that and continued the relationship because the relationship had already become more than just friends in her mind. I say this because the guy felt that inappropriate text messages were ok. He didn't just think that on his own. On some level he felt they were appropriate because he was led to believe that. From what you say, she continued with the friendship and it evolved into one where she was "falling for him" as she put it. You did display inappropriate actions by taking her phone and should not have done that. Under the circumstances, it is understandable and not the worst reaction you could have had. It may have been wrong but no worse than your girlfriend basically cheating on you emotionally with another person. You both were in a committed relationship and sleeping together. This isn't like going steady. On the contrary it is more like being married. You love her so much that you took her opinion about your jealousy and being controlling as fact. I would like to suggest that the controlling is the other way around. The relationship became one where she was allowed to still flirt with men and keep their jackets as "close momentos" of the friendship and lie to you. You made efforts to improve and she carried on as usuall flirting with disaster. Her behavior is not the kind of thing you do in a committed relationship. She displayed caring for you and was holding your hand because she knew before she even asked you that she was in trouble and she knew what she had done. She wants to have you and she wants to be able to basically "act single". I know that you love her and you are frantic because you feel that the tighter you hold on the more you are loosing her. I would suggest that you back off a little and I think you will see that she calls you and seeks you out. If she does, you will know that she cares and there is a chance.
I would also like to suggest that if you compromise and allow the relationship to continue as it has you will be sorry and regret it. You obviously have your head on straight and you don't appear to be a jealous lout to me. You care appropriately and have had appropriate reactions. Your girlfriend on the other hand has convinced you that you have all of these flaws because she wants to flirt and have male friends and behave as if she is unattached. This is feeding her insecurities and boosting her self asteem while it is tearing your relationship appart. She is also unwilling to go to counseling with you and make the same effort you are. Until she sees her behavior is the problem, she is not ready for the same committment and relationship you are. You have to decide what kind of relationship you want and stick to your guns. If you don't you will keep trying to please her and she will keep pleasing herself. She is definitely not ready for marriage or a committed relationship until she deals with whatever is driving her. Dealing with her panic disorder is major among these things. If I were you I would research the disorder as it can manifest itself in many ways and can be emotionally crippleing. It sometimes gets worse over time and with the advent of children in a relationship. People who suffer from it often lack self control in the area of impulsive behaviour when it comes to relationships, gambleing, sex, money and a host of other things. I would take things very slow and first make sure that this relationship is really as healthy as you want it to be for yourself as well as her. She has to take responsibility for her part also. If she doesn't and you do get married I forsee a lot of lies and cheating and even more heartbreak in your future. As the other forum member pointed out, it does seem as if your world is ending and I have been where you are also but if you try your best to not panic and do what is right for you and her, you will be loving her in the most important way. It will either work out for you both or it won't and will save you both a world of hurt.
