You mentioned you were assaulted before and lost your eye. That was a very traumatic and deeply disturbing thing to happen to you. Many people like myself have experienced violent beatings that were undeserved and later suffer from "Post traumatic stress" I personally, could not get the images out of my mind and began to cry uncontrollably after weeks of thinking about it. It often makes the person suffering from it experience anger and rage and feelings of guilt and helplessness over the violence that was perpetrated on them. I keep hearing you say that you want to prove something to your girlfriend. I know that she matters a great deal to you, but you matter to you also. I believe you are suffering from post traumatic stress and counseling that will be ongoing for a while is the best thing you can do. As PDM said, letting your girlfriend in on what is happening will allow her to understand that it is not your fault and there is help. Understanding what is happening to you is half the battle. It will take a while to heal, but you need to make that your priority, as PDM said. It will not go away on it's own. You have been hurt emotionally by this trauma and you can overcome it with help. It also takes caring and friendship to convince you that you did not deserve what happened to you.
