RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Breaking Up Need help urgently - break up coming

Your mother is scared of being alone and of losing you, so she frightens off any girl who comes near, giving silly excuses.

You feel responsible for her, so you give in, live with her even though you are 29, and are willing to give up the chance of a wife and family, so that you can stay with her.

Your mother doers not respect your right to a life of your own, because she wants to control your life, so that she won't be lonely and vulnerable.

You say that you are a capable guy, yet you are allowing this to happen, by not being assertive.

Most 29-year-old men have left home. It isn't harsh, it's the way things usually work out.

Is this how it is going to be ~ for you ~ for ever?
You need to sort this out.

If you can't speak to your mother, clearly, yourself, then could you & your mother go to family therapy?

Are you not able to speak to her, plainly, and say that you will always ensure that she isn't left alone and vulnerable, but that she must not interfere with your relationships?

She controls your life because you allow it to happen.

You don't need to be harsh and nasty. Your mother is obviously very fearful, and this needs to be acknowledged, and she needs to be reassured that she is loved and will not be neglected. But I feel that she also needs to know that you cannot accept your life being controlled and will not tolerate your girlfriend being threatened.

The alternative is that you and your mother live together ~ just the two of you, exclusively ~ from now on.

The choice is yours.

Good luck!

PS. Some more background might help:
How old is your mother?
Does she have health issues?
Does she have many friends?
Does she have other relatives?
Are you an only child?
Which country do you live in?
Do you belong to a culture where this sort of behaviour is traditional for mothers?
Does your mother belong to any clubs or organisations?
Have you suggested counselling for your mother?

How old is your mother? - 66
Does she have health issues? - Monepause
Does she have many friends? - no,little
Does she have other relatives? -Yes
Are you an only child? - Only son
Which country do you live in? - Singapore
Do you belong to a culture where this sort of behaviour is traditional for mothers? Yes
Does your mother belong to any clubs or organisations? -Yes
Have you suggested counselling for your mother? -Yes,she rejected

Ok.

Your mother needs to have a life of her own. At 66, with no health issues, she is still relatively young. The menopause should be past by that age.

You say that you are the only son, but you didn't say that you are an only child. Does that mean that you have sisters?
She has few friends, but she does have relatives, and she belongs to clubs, so she does not need to be lonely or rely only on you.

I have never been to Singapore, but if this sort of thing is commonplace in your culture, then that probably cannot be changed, but surely this does not mean that all young men are socialising only with their mothers, & never marrying?

Could you arrange something, whereby your mother can realise that she is still young enough to do things which don't involve you?

Can other friends & relatives be involved?

If she stopped relying on you and realised that she can do things by herself or with friends, things might improve for you.

You say that she rejected counselling ~ could you not tell her, clearly, that you are going to live your life to the full and that she needs to do likewise and that if she cannot do this without help, then she really should go for counselling?

Are you going to continue to live with your mother and remain without a girlfriend?

Or are you going to discuss this, adult to adult, sort things out, and make your own path?

Did you agree with the comments in my last post?

You need to be assertive without being hurtful.

Personally, I think that you need to make it absulutely clear that it is completely wrong to threaten & frighten your girlfriend.

What are you going to do?

The choice is yours.

Good luck!

I agree with your Last post PDM :),I'm the only child and only son, cannot bear not getting married,it's lonely,and in my culture things are a bit old fashioned,but i'm a modern man and i cannot accept the old ways off thinking as i was educated in the UK,it's not i do not want to be assertive,i'm trying to gather facts and advice from more experince people like yourself,in my culture out mothers are very protective,i'm sick of it sometimes yet i have to perform my duties as a son,without questioning the elderly.

But they are always not correct,i would like to tell my mum properly as you advised without hurting her,as without her i would not be here today.

Friensds and relatives have talked to my mum but all paths have been exhausted recently as she is stubborn,i told her that her view is only one sided and she needs to look at all angles before
making a judgement of my gf,as recently she made me very angry and i had to move out and stay with my friend for one night.

She values money too much and she is still working at this age whereby she should be retired,$$$ for me is not a problem as i'm employed with a big MNC company and i'm financially 2 years away from being ready to get married.

Are you a mom?
Thank you for youre advice.

Yes, I'm a Mum. As I said before, I have two sons, aged 18 & 22. I also have a teenage daughter.

I am also the daughter of a widowed mother, who is quite a lot older than yours, & who relies on me. She lives alone, but I am only about a mile away. I encourage her to see friends & she belongs to a ladies' club.

The men I know, who have devoted themselves to their mothers' comfort, over & above their own, have never married.

Your mother is still young, but she is getting older. The older she gets, the more she will need you & the less chance you will have of making your own life with a partner of your own.

While your Mum is working, she is meeting people and feeling useful. That is good for her ~ and for you, because while she is healthy & independent is the time when you could do what you want to do with your own life.

It is difficult for me to say more than that because of cultural differences. I live in England, so you know the society that I belong to. Certainly thoughtful people, here, would take their mothers' welfare into account, but would not usually let them decide who they date, etc. Mothers just don't have that power. I don't understand, really, why it would happen, there, if your mother is fit, youngish, and still at work. Are all young men in your position?

yes most young men are in my position

Well, you are going to have to sort something out that will work within your set of circumstancers. I hope you will be able to find happiness ~ for all concerned. Good luck!

The think is how to work around it, it's a headache

In a way, though, you have already decided.

You cannot keep the girl, if you allow your mother to control who you see, and threaten those she disapproves of.

There doesn't seem to be a way of working round it, unless it is your mother's choice.

If your mother wants to keep you single & with her ~ then that's how it will be.

You may manage to get a partner, but only if it is a girl she chooses for you.

You asked for help & advice, but I think the decision is already made.

You called your ex-girlfriend 'the girl of your dreams', yet you were willing to give her up, because your mother disapproved without ever having seen her.

You have made your choice.

If you think that you have made the wrong choice then you will either have to live with it, or stand up to your mother.