I'm having trouble with the girl of my dreams,we have no problems in communicating at all but she wants to breakup with me 3 times already but i managed to convince her to stay,our problem lies with my mum which is over protective and before she even meet my gf she has prejudged her based on a 3rd party view.My mum has treathen to beat her up if we continue with this relationship and she's very scared and wants to breakup any advice ,please help!

Let her go.

no solution,just let her go? any other solutions?

Talk with your mom. If you really love this girl, then your mom should accept her. Why did she get a bad 3rd party opinion on your gf? and from who?

The only solution is to make your mom understand that you are responsible enough to choose your relationships and that she shouldn't worry. She has to let you be yourself. If you don't want to confront your mom about it then you should probably let her go. But I still think that if you let her go, you should talk to your mom, cause she needs to change that over protective attitude, at least until she gets to know who's your company. Then she can worry about it if she doesn't like it.

Welcome to the forum coolboz2009!

I think it would greatly help anyone wishing to give you advice if you shared with us more information. Your age would greatly help. Relationships can be complicated while you're still a minor, and I would hate to give you advice that wouldn't be well accepted by parents.

You shouldn't have to convince a lady to stay. If she is uncomfortable with your parental situation, you're only solution is to reconcile your girlfriend with your mother, or let her go. She should not have to feel threatened and actually afraid of your mother harming her.

Beat her up? I think I would let her go her own way. Things sound kind of out of control right now if your Mom is threatening to beat someone.

And why does your mom believe the 3rd party info over what you've told her? Is this information true? If the information is true, will you be harmed by having a relationship with this girl?

Try to see why your Mom is upset. Most parents want to protect their kids and look out for their best interests. If you can show your Mom with facts that this relationship is good for you, maybe she'll calm down.

I'm inclined to agree with many of skipperdog's points, although I do think that your mom is wrong to threaten to beat the girlfriend up -- good grief, is that really the court of last resort??

Maybe this girl really is bad news and so your mom is overreacting...?

thank you for welcoming me to the forum,I'm 29 years old ,considered very old,only son and i have a very protective mother and to make matters worst she listens to 3rd party which does not know the relationship i'm having is good and the girl is just a manager of and food and beverage outlet in some mall,i'm and engineer,to my mum she thinks we are worlds apart and because of that she looks down at the girl and she has not even seen or met the girl.

Hello coolboz2009

When I read your first posts, I wanted to know how old you were, too, because I assumed that you might be a minor. However, at 29, you are a mature adult. Unless you have some health problems, for example, which result in you needing parental help, then you should be sorting out your own life, not your mother.

I think we need to try to understand your mother's viewpoint ~ though I find it alarming.

I have two sons; aged 18 & 22 and I would be very concerned if either of them started dating someone really unpleasant or someone who could cause them problems. I would not encourage such a relationship and would explain my concerns ~ probably loudly & at length!!!

However, my sons are adults, so I would have to be very careful, as I do not have the right to interfere in their personal lives. I believe that I can & should respect them & their decisions. I certainly would not threaten to hurt any girlfriend they chose.

If your girlfriend is likely to cause you problems, for some reason known to your mother, then I can understand her being upset, but she should not ruin your relationship and she certainly shouldn't be threatening this girl.

Does your mother have any reason to fear for your health & happiness with this girl, that could have made her respond like this? Is she a violent person?

If she knows something about her that is causing this excessive reaction, then you need to sort it out.

However, your mother should not be threatening to hit her. In some places this is illegal. Where are you?

I am not surprised that your girlfriend wants to break up. Your mother is threatening her and you seem unable or unwilling to do anything about it.

My mother is over-protective too, but she wouldn't have threatened to hit my boyfriend. It's just not acceptable behaviour.

Can't you simply tell your mother that, at 29, you are old enough to make your own decisions and that she has absolutely no right to threaten your girlfriend, and you will not tolerate such behaviour?

When things settle down, maybe your mother could meet this girl ~ having promised to be welcoming & kind ~ so that you can prove to her how pleasant she is & why you care for her. A family rift is probably not something you would want.

If you can't sort things out, then you will have to let the girl go, for her own benefit. It's not fair on her otherwise.

Hi PDM, i apprieciate your feedback and views,this issue has happened to 2 of my previous relationships,as a result i'm quite reluctant to tell my mother that i have started with a new relationship lately as i only drop hints along the way,when she found out she became threatened,my dad passed a away a long time ago,i feel that she is insecure in all ways,i really wanted to tell but her but always when i do i gets very crazy,well seriously i have done what needs to be done ,seems whatever i do seems to hit a dead end for booth my mum and her,i truly like this girl as she is truthful and honest ,traits that are very hard to find these days.I have no health issues and i'm quite capable guy and i dunno why she's unable to see that.

Some of my friends seem to ask me to move out of the house,i agree but it seems very harsh and uncalled for,I'm trying a softer approach,my mum is a control freak most of the time and easily influence by 3rd party news without listening to my point of view 1st.

Your mother is scared of being alone and of losing you, so she frightens off any girl who comes near, giving silly excuses.

You feel responsible for her, so you give in, live with her even though you are 29, and are willing to give up the chance of a wife and family, so that you can stay with her.

Your mother doers not respect your right to a life of your own, because she wants to control your life, so that she won't be lonely and vulnerable.

You say that you are a capable guy, yet you are allowing this to happen, by not being assertive.

Most 29-year-old men have left home. It isn't harsh, it's the way things usually work out.

Is this how it is going to be ~ for you ~ for ever?
You need to sort this out.

If you can't speak to your mother, clearly, yourself, then could you & your mother go to family therapy?

Are you not able to speak to her, plainly, and say that you will always ensure that she isn't left alone and vulnerable, but that she must not interfere with your relationships?

She controls your life because you allow it to happen.

You don't need to be harsh and nasty. Your mother is obviously very fearful, and this needs to be acknowledged, and she needs to be reassured that she is loved and will not be neglected. But I feel that she also needs to know that you cannot accept your life being controlled and will not tolerate your girlfriend being threatened.

The alternative is that you and your mother live together ~ just the two of you, exclusively ~ from now on.

The choice is yours.

Good luck!

PS. Some more background might help:
How old is your mother?
Does she have health issues?
Does she have many friends?
Does she have other relatives?
Are you an only child?
Which country do you live in?
Do you belong to a culture where this sort of behaviour is traditional for mothers?
Does your mother belong to any clubs or organisations?
Have you suggested counselling for your mother?

How old is your mother? - 66
Does she have health issues? - Monepause
Does she have many friends? - no,little
Does she have other relatives? -Yes
Are you an only child? - Only son
Which country do you live in? - Singapore
Do you belong to a culture where this sort of behaviour is traditional for mothers? Yes
Does your mother belong to any clubs or organisations? -Yes
Have you suggested counselling for your mother? -Yes,she rejected

Ok.

Your mother needs to have a life of her own. At 66, with no health issues, she is still relatively young. The menopause should be past by that age.

You say that you are the only son, but you didn't say that you are an only child. Does that mean that you have sisters?
She has few friends, but she does have relatives, and she belongs to clubs, so she does not need to be lonely or rely only on you.

I have never been to Singapore, but if this sort of thing is commonplace in your culture, then that probably cannot be changed, but surely this does not mean that all young men are socialising only with their mothers, & never marrying?

Could you arrange something, whereby your mother can realise that she is still young enough to do things which don't involve you?

Can other friends & relatives be involved?

If she stopped relying on you and realised that she can do things by herself or with friends, things might improve for you.

You say that she rejected counselling ~ could you not tell her, clearly, that you are going to live your life to the full and that she needs to do likewise and that if she cannot do this without help, then she really should go for counselling?

Are you going to continue to live with your mother and remain without a girlfriend?

Or are you going to discuss this, adult to adult, sort things out, and make your own path?

Did you agree with the comments in my last post?

You need to be assertive without being hurtful.

Personally, I think that you need to make it absulutely clear that it is completely wrong to threaten & frighten your girlfriend.

What are you going to do?

The choice is yours.

Good luck!

I agree with your Last post PDM :),I'm the only child and only son, cannot bear not getting married,it's lonely,and in my culture things are a bit old fashioned,but i'm a modern man and i cannot accept the old ways off thinking as i was educated in the UK,it's not i do not want to be assertive,i'm trying to gather facts and advice from more experince people like yourself,in my culture out mothers are very protective,i'm sick of it sometimes yet i have to perform my duties as a son,without questioning the elderly.

But they are always not correct,i would like to tell my mum properly as you advised without hurting her,as without her i would not be here today.

Friensds and relatives have talked to my mum but all paths have been exhausted recently as she is stubborn,i told her that her view is only one sided and she needs to look at all angles before
making a judgement of my gf,as recently she made me very angry and i had to move out and stay with my friend for one night.

She values money too much and she is still working at this age whereby she should be retired,$$$ for me is not a problem as i'm employed with a big MNC company and i'm financially 2 years away from being ready to get married.

Are you a mom?
Thank you for youre advice.

Yes, I'm a Mum. As I said before, I have two sons, aged 18 & 22. I also have a teenage daughter.

I am also the daughter of a widowed mother, who is quite a lot older than yours, & who relies on me. She lives alone, but I am only about a mile away. I encourage her to see friends & she belongs to a ladies' club.

The men I know, who have devoted themselves to their mothers' comfort, over & above their own, have never married.

Your mother is still young, but she is getting older. The older she gets, the more she will need you & the less chance you will have of making your own life with a partner of your own.

While your Mum is working, she is meeting people and feeling useful. That is good for her ~ and for you, because while she is healthy & independent is the time when you could do what you want to do with your own life.

It is difficult for me to say more than that because of cultural differences. I live in England, so you know the society that I belong to. Certainly thoughtful people, here, would take their mothers' welfare into account, but would not usually let them decide who they date, etc. Mothers just don't have that power. I don't understand, really, why it would happen, there, if your mother is fit, youngish, and still at work. Are all young men in your position?

yes most young men are in my position

Well, you are going to have to sort something out that will work within your set of circumstancers. I hope you will be able to find happiness ~ for all concerned. Good luck!

The think is how to work around it, it's a headache

In a way, though, you have already decided.

You cannot keep the girl, if you allow your mother to control who you see, and threaten those she disapproves of.

There doesn't seem to be a way of working round it, unless it is your mother's choice.

If your mother wants to keep you single & with her ~ then that's how it will be.

You may manage to get a partner, but only if it is a girl she chooses for you.

You asked for help & advice, but I think the decision is already made.

You called your ex-girlfriend 'the girl of your dreams', yet you were willing to give her up, because your mother disapproved without ever having seen her.

You have made your choice.

If you think that you have made the wrong choice then you will either have to live with it, or stand up to your mother.