Ok, so all of that whole 'break-up' scene didn't quite go as I imagined (happened yesterday).
When he got to school, I pulled him aside, sat him down and told him that I had something important, and rather hurtful, to tell him... And so I told him that I wanted to break-up with him.
He was beyond upset and angry at me. He refused to look me in the eye or say a single word to me. I begged him not to be mad, but he felt like I was just tossing him aside. Then he got up and walked away from me.
I approached my girls and told them what happened. I don't know what happened next, but I burst out crying. I mean, he didn't even want to look at me!
So I went to my social worker and explained to her what happened and along with the consequences if it didn't. We chatted for a bit. When I walked out, he was sitting outside her office and I got such a fright. I hurried away as quick as I could, knowing it was his turn to talk to her.
When I saw him at first break, he seemed more relaxed, but I could see he was still upset. He pulled me aside and we started talking. He said the social worker explained to him what I explained to her and he understands better now.
I must say the friendship thing is harder then I had imagined. We still hug each other, but everytime we do, I expect at least a kiss from him. And now I don't get it anymore... It feels incomplete
Take today for instance, we couldn't get over each other! And... he kissed me before my afterschool art class. It felt so unreal. I know I want it, and I can see he wants it too, that we both don't want to be just friends, but there is no other way. But I was like: a kiss doesn't mean we're together, does it? People do it all the time and I've kissed guys on the lips before when they were just friends. No big deal?
He SMSed me earlier to say that he wants to give everything I gave him back. I begged him not to, but I can understand why. It hurts to look at material gifts of love. I hurt too when I take his ring in my hand or hold my teddy bear while I sleep. But no matter how much it hurts, I will never discard them because I know what they did and what they still do stand for.
So now what? This is so difficult... I feel confused...
