RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Breaking Up what to do?

ok,my gf broke up with me a month ago. We pretty much talk everyday and see eachother at work everyday. She says she dont love me the way she used to. We have went to the movies and went shopping together since we broke up. But we have not been intimate,i would in a heartbeat but she only wants to if we are together,understandable. I know she loves me. She trys to hide things that makes her jealous but still does get jealouse. I ask her if she wants me to call,she says if i want to,and gets upset if i ask her if she wants me to after that. 2.5 years ago i broke up with her for 3months and would hardly talk to her.And the past year of our relationship we didnt live together on my decision. I always had other stuff to do. She gave me warnings of what would happen adn would say she dont know if she wants to be with me but always [untill now] wouldnt pull the trigger. I now regret taking her for granted and not trying enough and not caring before. Ive realized ive screwed up. But ive been doing everything i can to let her know i love her so much,she knows i do. Ive been working on everything she cant stand that i do,and im doing good,example:ive quit smoking. Everything i say to her about how im feeling and everything emotional,it doesnt faze her,she says everything i tell her is the same things ive been telling her. She realy is all i think about everyday now,i want her back so bad to make everything better. But im afraid it wont happen. Any advice on what i can do? Should i leave her alone?if she loves me wil she come back? I know knowone has the answers,just maybe some opinions what i can do or how to handle this.

Hello Ross & welcome

So, you were going out with this girl for quite a long time. before you broke up a few weeks ago, and even now, you still go out together ~ as well as seeing each other at work every day.
Yet when, two & a half years ago, you made the decision to split up, you wouldn't even speak to her for three months. Then, when you did get back together, you made the decision not to live together. (Were you living together before that break-up?)


You say that you always had other things to do ~ things that didn't involve her, presumably?
You say that you now regret taking her for granted and not trying enough and not caring before.

You say that she warned you what would happen.

Only now have you been doing everything you can to show her how much you love her.
You say: I've been working on everything she cant stand that i do' ~ you have even stopped smoking. (Congratulations; that's very good!)

You say that she knows that you love her.
You say: 'I know she loves me. '

It sounds as if you made / make all the decisions and did, indeed, take her for granted.

If you really loved her, and knew she hated smoking, why has it taken this ultimatum for you to stop?

Why did you make the decision not to live together? Surely this would have been a joint matter?

It has taken this ultimatum for you to realise what you have lost, so that she is all you think about.

You 'want her back so bad to make everything better'.
Did you think how she felt when you were deciding how the relationship should be treated, when you had better things to do.

Even now, when she has told you that she no longer loves you as she used to, you have decided that she does still love you.


She says everything you say is what you have always said.
She may believe that you are just thinking about yourself and how much you are suffering and what you want.

'She says she dont love me the way she used to.'

She doesn't mind you phoning her, and you seem to think that she gets jealous over you, And you say you have not been intimate since breaking up, because she would only want this if you were together (has she actually said this??).

All these indicate that there might yet be hope for you. You seem to think that she still loves you, even though she says that she doesn't.

Maybe you are right.
Or maybe you should actually listen to what she is saying, rather than assuming that you know and that you are right.

It strikes me that maybe you haven't been listening to her or trying to understand her & that the only reason you are bothering now is because the break-up is hurting you.

Is this hurting her?
Would she be better off without you?
Can you be a good caring partner to her?
Are you just saying the same old things, or will you really take her needs into account?
Will you wish to control the relationship, and assume that you know what she thinks and feels and wants?

I think that you may be right and that she actually does love you, but that she wants you to truly appreciate her and stop putting yourself first and taking her for granted.

Even now, now that you realise how much you love and miss her, it strikes me that you are still thinking mainly about yourself, and not about her.

My advice is to start putting her first.
What does she want? How does she feel?

Maybe I have got it wrong about you ~ after all, I don't know either of you ~ but I feel that if you can really start to care more about her than about yourself, you may just be able win her back.

Good luck!

[quote=PDM]So, you were going out with this girl for quite a long time. before you broke up a few weeks ago, and even now, you still go out together ~ as well as seeing each other at work every day. Yet when, two & a half years ago, you made the decision to split up, you wouldn't even speak to her for three months. Then, when you did get back together, you made the decision not to live together. (Were you living together before that break-up?)[/quote] [when I left her 2.5 years is the only time we lived together]. [quote=PDM]You say that you always had other things to do ~ things that didn't involve her, presumably? You say that you now regret taking her for granted and not trying enough and not caring before. You say that she warned you what would happen. Only now have you been doing everything you can to show her how much you love her. You say: I've been working on everything she cant stand that i do' ~ you have even stopped smoking. (Congratulations; that's very good!)[/quote] also I have a problem biting my fingers that has came to a stop as well, bad habit hard for me to quite [quote=PDM]You say that she knows that you love her. You say: 'I know she loves me. ' It sounds as if you made / make all the decisions and did, indeed, take her for granted. If you really loved her, and knew she hated smoking, why has it taken this ultimatum for you to stop?[/quote] Ive tried before, had quite for a month or so before, but one night with her at a bar I was drinking and smoked and didn’t look back.HOOKED AGAIN. [quote=PDM]Why did you make the decision not to live together? Surely this would have been a joint matter?[/quote] Neither one of us never brought it up, we never felt it was a issue. [quote=PDM]It has taken this ultimatum for you to realise what you have lost, so that she is all you think about. You 'want her back so bad to make everything better'. Did you think how she felt when you were deciding how the relationship should be treated, when you had better things to do.[/quote] Believe me ive done everything I possibly could to appoligize for that, I know an apology isn’t enough but spilled my heart to her about it, wrote her letters, let her know I have no controlle over the past anymore, but would do anything to take it back. [quote=PDM]Even now, when she has told you that she no longer loves you as she used to, you have decided that she does still love you.[/quote] she said she still loves me, but then said she loves everyone. I still fell she loves me. I just feel it aint gone, it maybe just barried. [quote=PDM]She says everything you say is what you have always said. She may believe that you are just thinking about yourself and how much you are suffering and what you want. 'She says she dont love me the way she used to.' She doesn't mind you phoning her, and you seem to think that she gets jealous over you, And you say you have not been intimate since breaking up, because she would only want this if you were together (has she actually said this??).[/quote] Yes, she said this, she then told me she can go forever without sex, she thinks if your not dating its just sleeping around, but I guess that is what that is. [quote=PDM]All these indicate that there might yet be hope for you. You seem to think that she still loves you, even though she says that she doesn't. Maybe you are right. Or maybe you should actually listen to what she is saying, rather than assuming that you know and that you are right. It strikes me that maybe you haven't been listening to her or trying to understand her & that the only reason you are bothering now is because the break-up is hurting you.[/quote] [quote=PDM]Is this hurting her?[/quote] I don’t really know that, I would think so but don’t know, she is very strong woman, she says she is used to being by herself. [quote=PDM]Would she be better off without you?[/quote] I really don’t know, I want to make her life a better one from now on with the chance, she is already succesful without me or anyone, she does know I love her and her daughter, she is 8 [quote=PDM]Can you be a good caring partner to her?[/quote] I always have been good and caring, problem for that is I always done stuff instead of being with her all the time and usually late for stuff, example: I workout and lift weights 6 days a week, I have managed a better schedule for us the past 2 months though, I play softball way 2 much during the season, most of Saturdays are softball tourneys, I don’t get home usually until 6p-11p. our team travels in state. I was playing poker a lot as well but haven’t done that probably half a year now. That was something I dropped definitely for our relationship. [quote=PDM]Are you just saying the same old things, or will you really take her needs into account?[/quote] Im telling her things and trying to show and prove to her that ive never done and said for anyone. Im 24 and by far not hard to get other woman, but only her and my highschool gf I have told I love them. I just haven’t told this one enough until now. [quote=PDM]Will you wish to control the relationship, and assume that you know what she thinks and feels and wants?[/quote] She is a very strong woman, she’s beautiful and has all of her priortys in life straight, no I don’t plan on controlling our relationship, she is a lot more controlling than I, she is like most woman, she takes problems of her past bf’s out on me. There issues to her has fell ultimately on me, her ex (baby daddy) cheated on her to end their relationship, I wouldn’t ever cheat on her. But I will do anything to give her what she wants. [quote=PDM]I think that you may be right and that she actually does love you, but that she wants you to truly appreciate her and stop putting yourself first and taking her for granted.[/quote]- this I agree 100%. And I have been focusing on this already. [quote=PDM]Even now, now that you realise how much you love and miss her, it strikes me that you are still thinking mainly about yourself, and not about her.[/quote] Im hurting because I love her and really know she is the woman I want to grow old with, she is the perfect woman and I do love her more than I feel I will ever love any woman, and my feelings aint only like this because were broke up, I want to be the only person to make her happy, I love her, but I feel if she feels the same she might get back together, idk, I miss my gurl. She didn’t ask for space, but was rude to me the other day, I haven’t called her for 2nights, ive avoided and aint seen her at work or at all. I hope this approach works, but I have no clue if its working or not, she always wanted me to call her, but now after she was rude the other day, I assume if she really wants to talk im going to put the ball in her quart and see if she will call me, is that the way to handle this situation? [quote=PDM]My advice is to start putting her first. What does she want? How does she feel?[/quote] She wants the world, I do want to give it to her. I will do anything I can for this woman, I know I don’t want everything like this for the worst. [quote=PDM]Maybe I have got it wrong about you ~ after all, I don't know either of you ~ but I feel that if you can really start to care more about her than about yourself, you may just be able win her back.[/quote]- ok I do care about myself of course, if you cant watch out for yourself than who can you watch out for, but I agree with you, I want to get back together, nothing lately has been about me, even me has been based about her, she is the only thing that runs in my head, she is my world, and I do always want to make her first from now on. And thx for your time and concern Benjamin.

Benjamin is the person who said that quote in her signature.


I hope you figure things out.