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We don't love qualities, we love persons; sometimes by reason of their defects as well as of their qualities. --Jacques Maritain



He Pushed for Marriage, Accused Me of Cheating then Cheated Himself



Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I'm 20 years old and I've been together with my boyfriend for about a year. Three months after we began dating he asked me to marry him and I said yes. Shortly after that he constantly accused me of cheating, saying that I was being too polite towards customers at my work so in his eyes something else was going on, ect.

I tried very hard to prove my love and loyalty to him. Three months after asking me to marry him he cheated on me with a woman we both worked with. I felt so hurt and stupid when I found out he did it all under my nose, with a friend of mine none the less! I have cut off my friendship with that woman but I don't know what to do about my boyfriend.

He apologized after he told me, but then wanted to forget about it. Everytime I've tried to talk to him about how I feel he gets very angry and makes me feel like I'm a bad person for not forgiving him. I still love him very much and have been trying to deal with this but I can't seem to completely forgive him. What should I do?




RomanceClass.com Advice
It really sounds like this guy is NOT ready for a relationship. He is insecure and selfish all at the same time. He pushed you into committing to a marriage because he wanted to be sure you wouldn't leave him. Even then, he didn't trust you when you were doing your normal job. And all the while, he took pleasure where he wanted it, because he could. Can you really trust him to be honest in the future - and with his cheating nature, is he ever going to really trust you? He's always going to assume that you will be just as bad as he was ... and he won't even let you have a natural healing process from the damage HE caused.

Someone who cheats and truly is sorry should be willing to do whatever it takes to EARN back the trust. They shouldn't expect instant forgiveness and for life to go back to normal. THEY broke the trust. THEY caused the breach. Now he doesn't even want to take responsibility for the harm he caused?

I really would tell him you need a break and to postpone the marriage. If he eventually proves himself worthy again, you can reconsider it. But to be this guy's fiance right now is just locking yourself into a bad situation. People really should date for 6-9 months at least before committing to a marriage for this very reason. It really sounds like he lept into it to 'lock you up' and not let you see anyone else, not for other reasons.

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com




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