He Cheated - How Do I Trust?
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
How do you deal with trust issues and regain trust after an affair? It has been over 3 years since my husband cheated on me. Last night we had a huge fight because he came home late from work and didn't call. It was only an hour, and I feel stupid now for even starting the fight. I look back now and see so many better ways I could have handled it. But I fear it's too late. He said he is tired of always having to explain himself and me not trusting him. And that when we have a fight about lack of trust sometimes he wishes he hadn't decided to come back.
Last night I apologized until I was blue in the face, but he wouldn't hear it. I find myself feeling anxiety if I don't know where he is. Could my trust issues go back to childhood? My Mother never showed me trust. She was always going through my things and checking up on me. Now I find myself going through his wallet and checking his cell phone. I have always had a serious time of trusting, even before the affair. And I wonder if my not trusting him pushed him to cheat. And I wonder if by continuing to not trust, I could push him to do it again.
I have tried so hard, and it has gotten better. But sometimes I still panic if he is late or I cannot get ahold of him. And then we have a blowup and afterwards I feel stupid. I cannot even describe what it feels like, these feelings of panic. It's like I am not even myself, someone else takes over. I constantly worry if he will meet someone better than me, someone who is more fun. I know he loves me and that he is not going to leave me. But how do I stop myself from having these fears when they take over? How do can I better deal with him being late or not telling me where he is? HOW CAN I STOP FEELING LIKE THIS?
First off, many, many women are jealous. It's part of how we're brought up, it's in the entertainment we watch. The guy flirts with sexy women, the poor wife is jealous and worries about being abandoned. Heck, half the time in movies the guy DOES run off with the secretary or whatever! But in real life, many, many guys are honorable and trustworthy and loyal to their wives. Your husband was NOT. The fault is HIS for making that choice. I know some guys who are married to REALLY jealous women and as much as that causes stress, the guys stand by their marriage vows. They take them seriously. If your husband chose to ignore them and go screw around, that was HIS choice. If he did that, it is his own fault. He is the one who unzipped his pants.
As far as what your mom did or didn't do, we all had screwed up childhoods :) Many of us were abused, either physically, mentally, or both. One of the parts of growing up and becoming an adult is to just accept it and move on. Yes, it's not always easy. But nobody has a perfect childhood. No parent is perfect. We all accept in whatever way we can the things that went on and then forge ahead with our adulthood which is ours, and ours alone.
So this comes down to what you have now. You're jealous, because of your childhood or society or your DNA or any combination of the three. Your husband cheated on you and even now says "Jeez maybe I shouldn't be with you." So he's not giving you much reason to trust him even now! So therefore you don't trust him, and then he gets annoyed when you don't trust him, and around and around it goes.
This relationship CAN work if you're both willing to work on it. In the past it appears his solution to trouble was to run off elsewhere, and yours is to worry that things were falling apart. I highly recommend going to a therapist together to get an 'outside view' on the whole situation. He sounds like he's ignoring your concerns now, and it sounds like you're sort of settled with your jealousy and not sure how to shake it. If only for your own well being, it's important for you to learn to have self assurance and confidence. That is the critical part here. If he learns to be a trustworthy, stable husband that you CAN depend on, that would be great. If he isn't able to put in the time and energy to make this work, then your new stability will help you find someone who IS more honorable and worthy of you.
It'll take work - but this is your life here, it's very worth it!
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
Visitor Submitted Responses
Our RomanceClass visitors have chimed in with thoughts on this question and answer. Click on a link below to read what their solutions are!
Same with me
You're not the problem