He Cheated - How Do I Trust?
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
How do you deal with trust issues and regain trust after an affair? It has been over 3 years since my husband cheated on me. Last night we had a huge fight because he came home late from work and didn't call. It was only an hour, and I feel stupid now for even starting the fight. I look back now and see so many better ways I could have handled it. But I fear it's too late. He said he is tired of always having to explain himself and me not trusting him. And that when we have a fight about lack of trust sometimes he wishes he hadn't decided to come back.
Last night I apologized until I was blue in the face, but he wouldn't hear it. I find myself feeling anxiety if I don't know where he is. Could my trust issues go back to childhood? My Mother never showed me trust. She was always going through my things and checking up on me. Now I find myself going through his wallet and checking his cell phone. I have always had a serious time of trusting, even before the affair. And I wonder if my not trusting him pushed him to cheat. And I wonder if by continuing to not trust, I could push him to do it again.
I have tried so hard, and it has gotten better. But sometimes I still panic if he is late or I cannot get ahold of him. And then we have a blowup and afterwards I feel stupid. I cannot even describe what it feels like, these feelings of panic. It's like I am not even myself, someone else takes over. I constantly worry if he will meet someone better than me, someone who is more fun. I know he loves me and that he is not going to leave me. But how do I stop myself from having these fears when they take over? How do can I better deal with him being late or not telling me where he is? HOW CAN I STOP FEELING LIKE THIS?
User Submitted Advice from a 31-40 year old Female
You're not the problem
Stop beating yourself up! He was the one who started this whole problem. Women have a sixth sense; you probably sensed his propensity to stray and were wary. You didn't CAUSE him to cheat.
He should be ready to do whatever he needs to stop the feelings of insecurity. One of those things is talking to you and asking what he can do to make you feel secure and then following through. That means calling when he's late. Threatening to leave or saying "wish I never came back" is NOT one of the ways and that's only feeding the fire.
Don't let him convince you that you've the problem here!
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