He Cheated - How Do I Trust?
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
How do you deal with trust issues and regain trust after an affair? It has been over 3 years since my husband cheated on me. Last night we had a huge fight because he came home late from work and didn't call. It was only an hour, and I feel stupid now for even starting the fight. I look back now and see so many better ways I could have handled it. But I fear it's too late. He said he is tired of always having to explain himself and me not trusting him. And that when we have a fight about lack of trust sometimes he wishes he hadn't decided to come back.
Last night I apologized until I was blue in the face, but he wouldn't hear it. I find myself feeling anxiety if I don't know where he is. Could my trust issues go back to childhood? My Mother never showed me trust. She was always going through my things and checking up on me. Now I find myself going through his wallet and checking his cell phone. I have always had a serious time of trusting, even before the affair. And I wonder if my not trusting him pushed him to cheat. And I wonder if by continuing to not trust, I could push him to do it again.
I have tried so hard, and it has gotten better. But sometimes I still panic if he is late or I cannot get ahold of him. And then we have a blowup and afterwards I feel stupid. I cannot even describe what it feels like, these feelings of panic. It's like I am not even myself, someone else takes over. I constantly worry if he will meet someone better than me, someone who is more fun. I know he loves me and that he is not going to leave me. But how do I stop myself from having these fears when they take over? How do can I better deal with him being late or not telling me where he is? HOW CAN I STOP FEELING LIKE THIS?
User Submitted Advice from a 21-30 year old Female
Same with me
Ok, I don't know if I will be much help, but I am in this same exact situation, but we are not married yet. My boyfriend and I have had a long relationships with a few bumps in the road. But, my advice to you is to keep trying. I also did the same things you were speaking of, and occasionally still do. I checked his call logs, went through his messages, his pockets, and it even got to where I was checking every phone bill for suspicious calls. But, you have to look at it this way... you made the decision, just like i did, to stay with him and try to work things out, so TRY TRY TRY. We can't just keep bringing up the past and dwelling on it, because it will make us feel like #@$&!!! To me, listening to people who have never been through my situation has been the worst decision. Honestly, they don't know how it feels to be so much in love, and have the person that you care about the most cheat. It's no fun, but it is possible to get through it. Just try not to have bad thoughts when he's late, or MIA... There probably is a reasonable excuse. Also, I have started so many fights and then 5 mins after the yelling I will realize that he isn't lying, and I will use the "I'm sorry" card. But, I realized that it sometimes isn't enough. You can only say I'm sorry for the same thing so much. One of my ex-boyfriends, who never cheated on me because I was too young to worry and be jealous, told me that the more you accuse a man of cheating the more it will be on his mind, and therefore, it will be more likely for him to doing so. It makes a lot of sense these days. But, I guess I will talk to you later, and I hope all is well for you.
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer