RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Breaking Up hoping for a third chance with the same person

my girlfriend and i just broke up 3 weeks ago. actually, this is our second breakup.

we first dated when i was in my senior year in college. we were together for a little over a year. but after i graduated from college, it was that time that i got so insecure with so many things. plans of going to med school did not push through. it was hard getting a job. it was a time that i felt so lost and it affected our relationship. i was getting insecure with her work. and since she's the achiever-type she would take it badly. so she broke up with me saying that she's not happy anymore, she's tired from our fights and she's in love with someone else

i ran after her. and she would still answer my calls that time. she would still see me. i gave her poems and letters (im one of those romantic types). I gave her 143 reasons why i love her on her birthday and she accepted them. but she kept on saying that we cannot be together anymore.so i think it took about 8 months of that. then i got upset when she went to a trip which was supposedly one of our plans when we were still together. i was so upset that i didnt contact her after that. then i dated someone else. we were dating for about 3 weeks when my ex texted me. and we had constant communication again. she told me the "real" reason why she broke up because she thinks it's the right time i should know since she sees that i've moved on already, that the reason was she felt that she didnt want seeing me become a "monster", someone filled with so many insecurities, because of our relationship. anyway, to cut it short, i started seeing her again and we became a couple.

our second relationship was really smooth sailing at first. we were so in love again like it was our first time. it started about the end of 2008. it was early this year that we experienced bumps again in our relationship. we were fighting for the same reasons again as before. but anyway, i had realizations from these fights. there was this time that i asked her almost everyday if she thinks we would be together till we're old. and she would always say yes. coming from a breakup with her, i was happy everytime she says that. but there came a point that i became scared. because what i saw was this person was ready to live a life with me, no matter what. i also felt the same way. she felt i was the one and i felt she was the one. but you know how it's like in movies that the couple are getting married, the girl is walking down the aisle and the groom just out of nowhere felt butterflies in his stomach and just wanted to walk away right then and there. it was like that. i love her so much but i came at that point that i was unsure with myself, in terms of what i wanted for myself. we were together since 2006. and even the time we were not together, my life revolved around her. when we were fighting again for the same reasons, i realized i never took time to settle my issues, insecurities and discontentment in life. and i realized a part of me is still mad with her because of the first breakup. i realized that i wanted time for myself. to think of my personal goals. because ive become so attached to and dependent of her, i wanted to learn to how it is to be independently happy. because i know no matter how much i love her, i cannot give her the love she deserves with all the emotional baggages and discontentments i have.

but the manner i ended the relationship was so bad that it hurts her. when i first told her what i wanted she said she'll let me go if it meant my happiness but she would want to spend more time with me. that broke me inside. because i dnt want her to do some self-sacrifice and all that. i dnt want to see her crying after that. so i was stupid enough to plan on how to breakup with her. i pushed her away, made her feel rejected, unloved, unappreciated. it came to a point that pushing came to shoving. because it was so hard to say goodbye and ask a person who loves you so much to let you go. i thought by making her realize on her own that she's miserable with me it would make things easier for her to let me go. i love her so much. ive never cheated on her nor lied, this was the only time i lied, by showing her i dont love her anymore. i tried breaking up with her on my own but i just kept going back and she would accept me. i wanted her to be the one make the decision. i wanted her to push me away. and the plan did work,
but now she hates me. she doesnt want to talk to me. she wont listen to my reasons. and i understand her because my reasons dont justify what i made her feel for months. she's saying that she's happier now and at peace. when i thought of the plan, what i wanted was for her to let me go and find myself and i'll come back so that we can really build on a stronger and better relationship. i still want to be with her but not now, not yet. because im not ready. when i last saw her, i know she still loves me. she was teary-eyed as she was saying that we're over and her decision is final. but what i see now is that she's really trying so much to forget me and keep me out of her life.

i was such a jerk for resorting to that. i know she doesnt trust me anymore. but i want to regain her trust. but right now, im not contacting her because i respect her need and want to be by herself. and to give her time to heal. i want a third chance with her. but i dont think it's even possible now. i dont know if i can win her back again. i dnt know if poems, letters would work on her again.

in our last email, i agreed with the breakup and i actually thanked her for letting me go at this point in my life. and she said the same thing but it was a bit obvious that there was pain behind those words. because i think even if she initiated the break up, she was in fact the one being rejected all these months. and i think it also hurts her that i appear happy these days. im happy not because the relationship ended but because im beginning to sort things out for myself.

i believe that time can heal wounds. time will tell if she'll be able to forgive me. but i dont know if any person in the same situation as hers would even still consider the possibility to create a fresh start with the same person who broke her heart for the said reasons..

Hi & welcome

For various reasons you lost your confidence and felt insecure after you graduated.
This affected your personality and it affected your relationship with the girl you had been dating for a year.
You say that she is 'the achiever-type'. Does this mean that she was doing better than you at passing exams, etc, and getting a job?
Did you resent this?
Is this what caused the arguments you refer to?
Is that why she wasn't happy and was concerned that you were changing into a 'monster'?

Was she really in love with someone else?

After 8 months of chasing her, phoning her, writing her letters and poems, she still didn't take you back ~ but she got in touch when you dated someone else.
At the end of 2008 you started dating again and, though you were very happy at first, the arguments began again and you broke up three weeks ago.

You had started to feel insecure and scared again. This was at the thought of being together for always ~ you say that you realized that you wanted time for yourself, even though 'there was this time that i asked her almost everyday if she thinks we would be together till we're old. and she would always say yes'.

But there was more to it than this ~ you hadn't forgiven her for breaking up with you the first time.

You say 'i wanted to learn to how it is to be independently happy. because i know no matter how much i love her, i cannot give her the love she deserves with all the emotional baggages and discontentments i have.' and 'i love her so much but i came at that point that i was unsure with myself, in terms of what i wanted for myself'.

If you are going to understand yourself and your actions ~ and sort out your life ~ then you need to ask yourself some probing questions:

Couldn't you have explained all of this to her somehow, without causing her so much distress?
Did you actually want to punish her?

She told you that she would let you go if it meant your happiness, even though she would have preferred to be with you, so why did you need to plan this break-up, where she felt miserable and unwanted?

Why would you want her to think that life for her would be miserable with you, if you love her ~ and after you had tried so hard to win her back?
Why push her away?
Why not just explain your insecurities and your need to sort yourself out?

Now you want to regain her trust ~ want a third chance with her ~ but do you still want her as a long-term girlfriend?
Have you now sorted out your own issues? Are you sure?

It has only been three weeks and you feel much happier. Are you sure that it is 'not because the relationship ended'?

If she agreed to date you again, could you be sure that you would not feel fear of commitment again, and become scared and insecure again?

Maybe you are takling things too seriously, too young.

Yes, you need to sort out education, career, etc, but you do not, yet, need to be thinking about settling down and getting married.

How old are you? Quite young, I am guessing. And your thoughts on marriage and being scared indicate that you are not ready for such things.
That is different from being in love and having a girlfriend. It is even different from thinking that you may one day get married to this girlfriend.

You may. You may not. Time will tell. Stop pressuring yourself into making unnecessary plans.
Is there a reason for this behaviour?
Has the girl mentioned marriage?
Does you family expect you to bring home a wife very soon?

Just because you see yourselves together in the future does not mean that this will happen, or that it won't happen, it just means that you have a good relationship that could go the distance.

But there is no need to plan marriage or engagements, just try to enjoy each other's company, while you sort out qualifications and work experience, for now. There is plenty of time for other plans.

You sound stressed and you mention your insecurities.
Do you think that a counsellor could help you? That might be a good idea for you.
You could explain your actions and work out where to go from here.
Go easy on yourself, but try to look atv yourself and youir behaviour objectively.

I don't think that poems and love letters would be appropriate this time, but I do think that one serious letter of explanation and apology might be a good idea.
Hopefully she will try to understand you ~ if only to help herself regain some confidence in herself, after feeling so unwanted.

Think seriously about what you want and how you feel before commiting yourself to anything more than dating.
Let her know that you care but that you fear making plans for the future.

Try to be more open with her about your feelings.

Does this help?

Good luck!

Yes this has been very helpful. Thank you

You're right in the points you've given in your reply.

We're both young. I'm turning 24 next month, and she'll be turning 26 in March. I guess, I did pressure myself too much on marriage and all those things. I was the one who kept on bringing up the issue even the issue of having kids. She wasn't ready for any of those. And I didn't realize that I was not ready for it too.

She wasn't really in love with someone else when we first broke up. She just said that so that I'd give up on her.

She's the achiever-type in a sense that yes she excels academically. I also did well academically but her being better made me uncomfortable and insecure in many ways. She's also the career-type woman who'd like to focus on building on her career at the moment. Looking back, it was something that I didn't respect.

And you're right that I guess a part of me wanted to "punish" her for leaving me years ago. But the reason why I pushed her away was that I didn't have the courage to say that I wanted time and space for myself especially when she said that she wanted to spend more time with me. because i also wanted to spend more time with her too. I found it really hard to say goodbye. and at that time, i thought the only way she'll readily give up on the relationship is when she felt that the relationship was a failure. Perhaps, the surge of emotions (ie. fear, insecurity, etc) that time prevented me from evaluating the situation.

I still want to be with her, and yes in a long-term relationship.
But I'm still sorting out my own issues at the moment.

Again, thanks for the advice

Good luck ~ and whatever else you do, do try to ensure that she realises that she is not unlovable, etc, and that you can ~ or should ~ respect her ideals.

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