RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Does He/She Like Me? Need a little insight

Hey Carl,

Yeah, I do analyze way too much. It comes with the personality... and with my job. But being a friend to others, is all I've ever done... its all I've ever tried to do.

Joe, I am going to suggest that the best approach is the direct approach. I think you should pick a friend that you know who is a guy. Ask him to approach a couple of the girls that you both know in common. Ask him to strike up a conversation with them that seems like he is concerned about you as a friend. It might go something like this:

I was talking to Joe the other day and he can't figure out what he is doing wrong. He has dated a few girls but the relationship fizzles after the first date. You have met him, what do you think his problem is? I would really like to help him. Be totally honest from a womans perpective and tell me is there something that you noticed that he should do or not do. What was your impression of him. I promise I won't tell him you told me any thing. I just think it would be good for him to know the truth because he really wants to improve his social life and make an effort to find a nice girl to date.

If your friend would do this for you, I can't think of any woman that wouldn't want to help. Be prepared that you might not like what you hear. Sometimes, when we can't figure something out it is because we are so unaware of what that something is that we are shocked when told what people think about us. That something could very well hurt your feelings and "try" to crush your ego. Don't let it. You obviousely are a very intelligent and nice person who is willing to make and effort. I am sure that effort will include accepting what is said and making the changes necessary. No one is perfect but the first step to perfection is finding where the flaws are.
Good Luck.

I agree with Jo, about getting feedback from others, via friends, but I thought that Joe Nathan said that he had already tried something like this. However, it may not have been so direct and to the point, so yes, I agree. Joe, get a male friend you trust to ask for feedback from some girls you know and ask for absolute truth, regardless of how negative the information might be. It could hurt, but probably the pain will be brief, as opposed to the prolonged ache you are feeling just now.

I'll go back now to your response to my comments:

OK ..
In this day and age, I don't think that it is discourteous to send an e-mail, instead of making a phone call.
For some girls it might feel a lot more comfortable because, even today, some girls might feel a bit awkward phoning a boy.

This girl, however, just saw that you were online and sent you an instant message. Otherwise she might not have responded at all.

The question is, should she have responded and why didn't she?

Well, OK, I get the common courtesy bit, and I've heard it from others, too, but, not everyone thinks that every telephone message left on their machine requires an acknowledgement.
I tend to acknowledge. My Mum will phone someone right back, as soon as possible. Another relative will just pick up the message and leave it at that, with no reason seen for a reply, unless a specific and important question has been asked.

Different people have different ways of dealing with things. Don't expect everyone else to live by your rules, or you will spend a lot of your time angry, frustrated and disappointed.

Another point here concerns expectations surrounding the telephone communication. If a girl feels that a boy wants to date her, or even hang out with her, and she is not interested in dating or hanging out, then she is unlikely to phone back. Some people feel that the boy should get the message anyway, others just don't like to say anything negative to people.

So, common courtesy or not, the message is there. It may be harsh but, while she doesn't mind an informal chat with you on facebook, and may even go out in a group that includes you, she doesn't want a one-to-one relationship with you, not even on the telephone. If she doesn't want to explain, then she doesn't have to explain, even if that feels somewhat rude to you ~ and maybe to others. I'm afraid that in boy/girl relationships that is how it often works.

I feel that you need to learn to pick up on body language, voice tone, unspoken messages, etc, because, if you are expecting people to phone back, who clearly don't want to, then you are not picking up on the unspoken messages. This means that you could be seeking relationships ~ both friendly and romantic ~ with unsuitable people. It may even mean that you are not picking up positive messages from those who might be interested. It's going to leave you feeling confused and miserable.

Do you completely disagree, that you may be expecting too much of others and imposing rigid rules on yourself and on them?

As for counsellors, I have had dealings with a few, either as a student or a client. Some are brilliant. Some do more harm than good.

The ones who do not help are the ones who tell you what to do; the ones who do help are the ones who help you to sort yourself out, so that you can decide for yourself what to do.

However, I think that, the best counsellor will not tell you what to do, but will not leave all the conclusion-drawing to you, either. It's the one who will actually give personal feedback of their own. Ie, in your case, a genuine response to what do you think it is about me that is pushing girls away??

So counselling might help ~ and I think that I would recommend it for you ~ but with the right counsellor.

I would also recommend visiting the library and getting some books on relationships, male/female differences, human behaviour, body language, etc. Desmond Morris has written some good ones. John Gray, has written some useful books on relationships.



So, if you irritate her, you expect her to call back, but if she irritates you, that's the end of the friendship as far as you are concerned?? Have I understood that correctly?

I'm intrigued by how you go from gentleman to 'jerk' in one evening ~ how does this work?

What sort of teasing do you do?
Does any woman enjoy 'playful poking'?
Would the one or two compliments be genuine?
What might you say as a compliment?
What might you say as 'teasing'?
How might you end the evening?
What does the girl usually say, in response to your politeness / teasing / prodding / etc?

How long would you have known the girl?
How might you have met?
How might you have reached the stage of going out with her ~ just the two of you?
Would you have gone out as a friendly twosome, or on a romantic date?

Any more relevant information?

I'll just add something here that I have put on a couple of other threads. If you are a polite gentleman, then I am guessing that it is advice that you won't need, but one young man on here had had no idea that it was important ~ it is personal cleanliness. Shower before going out. Clean hair, nails, ears, teeth, feet, etc. etc. Clean clothes ~ especially underwear, socks, shirt. A pleasant smelling, but not overpowering, cologne and deodorant/antiperspirant. Toothpaste & mouthwash. Smell nice and clean.

Whatever it is you are doing isn't working for you, so maybe we could help to analyse whatever that is, for you.

Good advice from Jo and PDM, Joe.

When people are not wanting the friendship level you desire, it is indeed a message of sorts. Either your expectations are too high and make people uncomfortable, or you, yourself, offend people.

The fact-finding (if a friend or acquaintance will do that for you) is a good idea. Be prepared to think upon the things you discover, however, and begin to take small steps to change.

You won't need to change who you are - inside, but you may need to change how you interact with people, and how you treat people.

And maybe - just maybe - how you treat people reflects how you think about yourself.

That is why counseling may be appropriate. And the counselor may want to suggest group dynamics, such as role playing. In role playing, you can have feedback about what your message to others actually is interpreted to be. You, like many others, may be quite surprised.

Now, to be blunt, you can complain about others not doing right by you, or you can take some of the excellent suggestions here.

Yes, I think that this is very true.
We don't always mean things the way that they are picked up.