RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Breaking Up Confused about a recent break up

Me and my ex were together just under 3 months. She was the first girl i had properly been with in 3 years (by choice) She is only 19 and I am 24 and was only single 6 months before getting with me after a long 2 year relationship which she got cheated on.

Anyways for most of the relationship I never really missed her or felt that much going on but i was really trying. I thought it was where i was single for so long and that I was used to being by myself. At the start she was much more into me than i was into her.

Anyways over the last 2 weeks she started feeling the sameway i did but the funny thing is i just started getting more into the relationship, how ironic?

She said to me the other day that she isn't missing me as much and she feels differently now. She feels more inclined to be single because she hasn't been single since she was 16. I thought ok ive been there done that i understand. She wanted to go on a 2 week break because she still had feelings for me but she was confused. I said no, we either stay together or split up, no breaks. So we split up. A few days later i really missed her and i was sure i wanted her back but then next day i didnt miss her and thought staying apart was for the best. I was quite confused, partly because she is really confused herself and couldn't give me a 100% answer.

Anyways she called me up Thursday and we spoke about it. Apart of me tried to fight for it because i don't like giving up on anything but she is still really confused. I tried to get a definate answer from her but she couldn't give it because she didnt know. Firstly i fought for it but then realised if we are both feeling the sameway and both confused what is the point? She kept saying she wanted more time to think because she said she might feel that she wants to be with me in a few weeks but i made the decision for her and told her i wasn't prepared to wait around for a few weeks and get a disappointing phone call at the end of it. That's basically it.

A small part of me wanted it to go on but if i never really missed her something had to be wrong and now she feels the sameway.

My problem now is at times i think i done the wrong thing and i feel xxxx about it. Other times i feel great and it doesn't bother me one little bit. Why am I so confused? This girl never really done anything on a romantic level for me. It got physical very quickly so maybe it was just lust and at times i find myself thinking about it and it brings me down somewhat. But then i love being single, i was single for 3 years after a very long relationship and i am comfortable being single but I just don't have balance at the moment. I didn't see this coming from her so maybe it cought me by suprise and shocked me> Or maybe I had more feelings for this girl than I realised?

Any Ideas?
Thanks, Nicky

Hello Nicky, welcome to the forum.

The scenario of not appreciating, or even wanting, what you have until it'a gone, is quite a well-known one ~ as is the one where one where one party is more interested than the other ~ until that party loses intererst.

If you didn't feel much for her, and didn't particularly want to be with her ('I never really missed her'), why did you start the relationship in the first place? Was this just a physical thing ('maybe it was just lust')? Perhaps you are confusing affection with desire.

If she is still only 19 and has been in relationships since the age of 16, I can understand her needing time to sort herself out. Sixteen is very young ~ too young I think ~ to be involved in a serious long-term relationship.

She may well really like you, and, at 19, may even be ready for a proper relationship, but she probably needs to sort out her life and her feelings first.

Sixteen is little more than a child, yet she was in a committed relationship for two years from that age ~ with someone who cheated on her. Yes, I think she may need some time for herself before embarking on another commitment.

You have also needed time on your own after a long relationship, so you may understand. ('i love being single')

I can really understand why you think that you should either be together or not be together. However, I can see her need for a break ~ not just from you, but from relationships.

Maybe you are confused because all you thought that you wanted was to be single and to satisfy your lust, but you discovered someone you cared about ~ but who isn't ready for you.

You need to think about what you want & feel and what she wants & feels.

If she feels affection for you and you only feel lust, then that will not be fair on her.

If you both need to be single after a long-term relationship, then that may make sense, but you both need to respect each other's needs.

If you really think that you care about her, then give her time and let the relationship have a chance.

Whatever you choose to do, be honest ~ with her and with yourself.

To be uninterested in her, while she cares for you, isn't fair.

To be in lust with someone, who feels true affection, isn't fair.

To know that you need to be single, without acknowledging that she has that same need, isn't fair.

If you both feel the same way ~ and it seems that you do, in many ways, then why not have a serious honest discussion with her and give yourselves a chance. Maybe it won't work out or may be it will.

Why not 'wait around for a few weeks' until you have a clear answer?
You are young and single and you had chosen not to have a girlfriend in three years, so a few weeks shouldn't be a major problem. You had only been dating for a few weeks, during which time neither of you seem to have known, for sure, how you felt or what you wanted.

Give yourselves a break and a chance.

Thanks, very Interesting.

I totally understand where she is coming from. When I just turned 18 I got with a girl and was with her 3 and a half years. After that ended I chose to stay single, I didnt rebound or even have any flings untill this year, i stayed complete single. I had two, shall we say encounters back in Jan of this year and then got with my ex in May. We met in work as we worked in the same office but she don't work there anymore.

What you said about "confusing affection with desire" Very interesting comment, she is probably the best looking girl I have ever been with but i did treat her with a lot of respect but I kinda always felt like I couldn't be bothered with the whole thing. There were a few times in the 3 month period where i thought about ending it myself but I kept telling myself to give it a chance because I didn't want to hurt her. She went to Spain for 2 weeks and not once did i find myself missing her but she called me like every other day saying she misses me.

Then all of a sudden she went from the above to becoming less affectionate with me because she wasn't missing me. We only saw each other like on the weekends because I live about a 1hr drive from her.

Right now I have a confusing combination of feelings. A part of me wanted it to continue, apart of me wanted it to end, apart of me wanted to still be single. Maybe my ego just got bruised and i'm just being an Immature 24 year old? lol. I am doing my best to be honest to myself about it but it just always confusion. I don't even think I miss her right now but find myself thinking about what happened.

If it's an ego thing, could it be more a case of hurt feelings and dented pride that she isn't as interested in you as she was and as you wanted her to be?

it is possible. Being as confused as I am right now I can't rule out that possibility. I really hope it's not an ego thing because i have never seen myself as having a massive ego.

All I can say is that today I have felt good about things for the better part of the day so i think i am moving on ok. However I have felt a bit xxxx at times today, which is where the confusion comes from.

Rejection is never going to be a pleasant thing ~ even if the girl isn't right for you.

Ah yes, it always stings a bit. I suspose this is just another life experience and it builds character.

So today is one week since the break up has been official. The last week or so I have been bombarded with emotions causing confusion, making me feel down, I feel tired all of the time and i still don't fully understand what I want.

Today has been by far the worst I have felt about the break up. This morning I woke up and all I could think about was my ex but I don't know why because at times I don't even miss her and last night i felt completely fine. Today I do really miss her a lot and I have thought about contacting her. At the moment I am stopping myself from doing so because we both agreed to not contact each other for a few weeks. Also I have other issues going on, family and work related and it is all adding to my bad mood and at the moment i can't tell which one of them is making me worse.

I keep thinking do I just want her back to make me feel better and it is comforting or do i generally want her back? I honestly can't give an answer to that. When we were together i never depended on her for emotional support because I always deal with my problems myself.

I am really trying my hardest to just accept it is finished and move. I normally deal with things like this quite easily. Maybe it is because i was single for 3 years and i just forgot how to deal with a break up and it is like learning it all over again.


It is so Ironic that we split from each other because we wasn't missing each other and now i miss her more than I ever have. I often wonder if she feels the sameway and that her desires to be single are still there. I know I have to accept how she feels and I understand better than anyone but I am really starting to think, did we make a mistake?

If anyone can make sense of this then you a are smarter person then me.

This is probably not as strange as you may think. People cannot feel extremely emotional all the time and the body can sometimes go into a sort of numbness, where you don't feel much at all.

I'll give you an extreme example. When my father died, I felt completely traumatised. That was over nine years ago and I still grieve for him. My feelings were probably normal in the event, but not a usual part of normal life. What happened was that for part of every day I felt so terrible that I didn't know how I would cope. Yet, for other parts of that day, I would hardly feel anything at all. People must have been very confused by my emotions ~ but a relative, who is a psychiatric nurse ~ said that this was normal ~ the body's way of coping.


Well, that's possible, of course, or it may be that you have genuine feelings for her.


Not really ~ I think that this probably happens quite often.

Maybe this is worth pursuing, if she is also willing to give it another chance.
You could write to her and see if she would try again at some stage soon.

Thank you. That makes a lot of sense. I am just hoping that today is the low point and it gets better from here.

When I spoke to her last she was even more confused than me so i can only imagine what she is thinking, unless of course she has dealt with it already.

It's only been a week officially. Unofficially it's been nearly 2 weeks so I don't want to contact her just yet even though it is very tempting. I do miss talking to her because we did talk about a lot of things and not just about relationship stuff so i know i am missing that part.