RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Breaking Up Confused about a recent break up

Me and my ex were together just under 3 months. She was the first girl i had properly been with in 3 years (by choice) She is only 19 and I am 24 and was only single 6 months before getting with me after a long 2 year relationship which she got cheated on.

Anyways for most of the relationship I never really missed her or felt that much going on but i was really trying. I thought it was where i was single for so long and that I was used to being by myself. At the start she was much more into me than i was into her.

Anyways over the last 2 weeks she started feeling the sameway i did but the funny thing is i just started getting more into the relationship, how ironic?

She said to me the other day that she isn't missing me as much and she feels differently now. She feels more inclined to be single because she hasn't been single since she was 16. I thought ok ive been there done that i understand. She wanted to go on a 2 week break because she still had feelings for me but she was confused. I said no, we either stay together or split up, no breaks. So we split up. A few days later i really missed her and i was sure i wanted her back but then next day i didnt miss her and thought staying apart was for the best. I was quite confused, partly because she is really confused herself and couldn't give me a 100% answer.

Anyways she called me up Thursday and we spoke about it. Apart of me tried to fight for it because i don't like giving up on anything but she is still really confused. I tried to get a definate answer from her but she couldn't give it because she didnt know. Firstly i fought for it but then realised if we are both feeling the sameway and both confused what is the point? She kept saying she wanted more time to think because she said she might feel that she wants to be with me in a few weeks but i made the decision for her and told her i wasn't prepared to wait around for a few weeks and get a disappointing phone call at the end of it. That's basically it.

A small part of me wanted it to go on but if i never really missed her something had to be wrong and now she feels the sameway.

My problem now is at times i think i done the wrong thing and i feel xxxx about it. Other times i feel great and it doesn't bother me one little bit. Why am I so confused? This girl never really done anything on a romantic level for me. It got physical very quickly so maybe it was just lust and at times i find myself thinking about it and it brings me down somewhat. But then i love being single, i was single for 3 years after a very long relationship and i am comfortable being single but I just don't have balance at the moment. I didn't see this coming from her so maybe it cought me by suprise and shocked me> Or maybe I had more feelings for this girl than I realised?

Any Ideas?
Thanks, Nicky

Hello Nicky, welcome to the forum.

The scenario of not appreciating, or even wanting, what you have until it'a gone, is quite a well-known one ~ as is the one where one where one party is more interested than the other ~ until that party loses intererst.

If you didn't feel much for her, and didn't particularly want to be with her ('I never really missed her'), why did you start the relationship in the first place? Was this just a physical thing ('maybe it was just lust')? Perhaps you are confusing affection with desire.

If she is still only 19 and has been in relationships since the age of 16, I can understand her needing time to sort herself out. Sixteen is very young ~ too young I think ~ to be involved in a serious long-term relationship.

She may well really like you, and, at 19, may even be ready for a proper relationship, but she probably needs to sort out her life and her feelings first.

Sixteen is little more than a child, yet she was in a committed relationship for two years from that age ~ with someone who cheated on her. Yes, I think she may need some time for herself before embarking on another commitment.

You have also needed time on your own after a long relationship, so you may understand. ('i love being single')

I can really understand why you think that you should either be together or not be together. However, I can see her need for a break ~ not just from you, but from relationships.

Maybe you are confused because all you thought that you wanted was to be single and to satisfy your lust, but you discovered someone you cared about ~ but who isn't ready for you.

You need to think about what you want & feel and what she wants & feels.

If she feels affection for you and you only feel lust, then that will not be fair on her.

If you both need to be single after a long-term relationship, then that may make sense, but you both need to respect each other's needs.

If you really think that you care about her, then give her time and let the relationship have a chance.

Whatever you choose to do, be honest ~ with her and with yourself.

To be uninterested in her, while she cares for you, isn't fair.

To be in lust with someone, who feels true affection, isn't fair.

To know that you need to be single, without acknowledging that she has that same need, isn't fair.

If you both feel the same way ~ and it seems that you do, in many ways, then why not have a serious honest discussion with her and give yourselves a chance. Maybe it won't work out or may be it will.

Why not 'wait around for a few weeks' until you have a clear answer?
You are young and single and you had chosen not to have a girlfriend in three years, so a few weeks shouldn't be a major problem. You had only been dating for a few weeks, during which time neither of you seem to have known, for sure, how you felt or what you wanted.

Give yourselves a break and a chance.

Thanks, very Interesting.

I totally understand where she is coming from. When I just turned 18 I got with a girl and was with her 3 and a half years. After that ended I chose to stay single, I didnt rebound or even have any flings untill this year, i stayed complete single. I had two, shall we say encounters back in Jan of this year and then got with my ex in May. We met in work as we worked in the same office but she don't work there anymore.

What you said about "confusing affection with desire" Very interesting comment, she is probably the best looking girl I have ever been with but i did treat her with a lot of respect but I kinda always felt like I couldn't be bothered with the whole thing. There were a few times in the 3 month period where i thought about ending it myself but I kept telling myself to give it a chance because I didn't want to hurt her. She went to Spain for 2 weeks and not once did i find myself missing her but she called me like every other day saying she misses me.

Then all of a sudden she went from the above to becoming less affectionate with me because she wasn't missing me. We only saw each other like on the weekends because I live about a 1hr drive from her.

Right now I have a confusing combination of feelings. A part of me wanted it to continue, apart of me wanted it to end, apart of me wanted to still be single. Maybe my ego just got bruised and i'm just being an Immature 24 year old? lol. I am doing my best to be honest to myself about it but it just always confusion. I don't even think I miss her right now but find myself thinking about what happened.

If it's an ego thing, could it be more a case of hurt feelings and dented pride that she isn't as interested in you as she was and as you wanted her to be?

it is possible. Being as confused as I am right now I can't rule out that possibility. I really hope it's not an ego thing because i have never seen myself as having a massive ego.

All I can say is that today I have felt good about things for the better part of the day so i think i am moving on ok. However I have felt a bit xxxx at times today, which is where the confusion comes from.

Rejection is never going to be a pleasant thing ~ even if the girl isn't right for you.

Ah yes, it always stings a bit. I suspose this is just another life experience and it builds character.

So today is one week since the break up has been official. The last week or so I have been bombarded with emotions causing confusion, making me feel down, I feel tired all of the time and i still don't fully understand what I want.

Today has been by far the worst I have felt about the break up. This morning I woke up and all I could think about was my ex but I don't know why because at times I don't even miss her and last night i felt completely fine. Today I do really miss her a lot and I have thought about contacting her. At the moment I am stopping myself from doing so because we both agreed to not contact each other for a few weeks. Also I have other issues going on, family and work related and it is all adding to my bad mood and at the moment i can't tell which one of them is making me worse.

I keep thinking do I just want her back to make me feel better and it is comforting or do i generally want her back? I honestly can't give an answer to that. When we were together i never depended on her for emotional support because I always deal with my problems myself.

I am really trying my hardest to just accept it is finished and move. I normally deal with things like this quite easily. Maybe it is because i was single for 3 years and i just forgot how to deal with a break up and it is like learning it all over again.


It is so Ironic that we split from each other because we wasn't missing each other and now i miss her more than I ever have. I often wonder if she feels the sameway and that her desires to be single are still there. I know I have to accept how she feels and I understand better than anyone but I am really starting to think, did we make a mistake?

If anyone can make sense of this then you a are smarter person then me.

This is probably not as strange as you may think. People cannot feel extremely emotional all the time and the body can sometimes go into a sort of numbness, where you don't feel much at all.

I'll give you an extreme example. When my father died, I felt completely traumatised. That was over nine years ago and I still grieve for him. My feelings were probably normal in the event, but not a usual part of normal life. What happened was that for part of every day I felt so terrible that I didn't know how I would cope. Yet, for other parts of that day, I would hardly feel anything at all. People must have been very confused by my emotions ~ but a relative, who is a psychiatric nurse ~ said that this was normal ~ the body's way of coping.


Well, that's possible, of course, or it may be that you have genuine feelings for her.


Not really ~ I think that this probably happens quite often.

Maybe this is worth pursuing, if she is also willing to give it another chance.
You could write to her and see if she would try again at some stage soon.

Thank you. That makes a lot of sense. I am just hoping that today is the low point and it gets better from here.

When I spoke to her last she was even more confused than me so i can only imagine what she is thinking, unless of course she has dealt with it already.

It's only been a week officially. Unofficially it's been nearly 2 weeks so I don't want to contact her just yet even though it is very tempting. I do miss talking to her because we did talk about a lot of things and not just about relationship stuff so i know i am missing that part.

Update.

I got a txt from my ex today.

It read something like this.

"Hey ya. I don't know if you realised but i got a txt from you the other day that i think was meant for your friend Sarina. Don't worry i didn't read it. I hope you are ok. How are you?"

It is quite possible i sent a txt to the wrong person as there names are next to each other in my phone book i do remember sending a txt to my friend Sarina so it is possible, but then again she could have used that as excuse to contact me?

I txt her back.

"Hey ya. I'm sorry if i done that not sure how that could have happened. I am ok, been quite busy. How are you? What you been up2?"

I thought no need to be nasty we parted on good terms. She txts back.

"Nothing exciting my end. I am having a lot of family problems right now and i have moved back to my mums. It's good that you are doing ok though"

At this point the protective b/f part of me come rushing to the surface. I txt back.

"I am sorry to hear that. I'm kinda in the same boat with family stuff right now so on that front im not to great either. If you need to talk i will be here for you."

Maybe i shouldnt have said that but i would do that for anyone i care about.

She then sent me back two blank txts. I sent one back telling her if she needs to talk about anything i will call her but i aint got no reply. I think she run out of free txts so she cant reply. I say that because of the blank txts normally means she needs to top her phone up.

What do i make of this? I know i still have feelings for her but this is the first whole day where i havent felt [censored] about it. I could read between the lines in the txts that she wanted to talk because i just know her that well but i am not to sure what to do. I am torn between wanting to be there for her and just moving on and getting on with it. It has come at a time where i started to feel better about the whole thing.

I have found myself wanting to call her now but is that a good idea?
__________________

Why not write to her?

You could tell her how you have been feeling, ask her if she has had any doubts about the break-up, too, and whether there is even the slightest possibility of trying again.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained, as they say.

Good luck!

I have thought about that but we did agree not to contact each other for a few weeks. I don't want to be one of these guys that does not have any backbone and call her when i said i wouldn't because we both needed time.

It has now been 2 weeks since we split officially. I'm thinking that if she felt any differently she would have phoned me and wanted to give it another go.

I'm still not sure myself. At times i know it is what i want and i really miss her then other times i am thinking it cant work between me and her because we are at different stages of our lives. I am 24 and she will only turn 20 this november. I know age don't matter but i dont want to get with someone who might start having doubt again because she doesn't know how to deal with her feelings and we have to go through all this again.

Maybe i am thinking too much about this? All i know is that within one week she went from having strong feelings for me then she freaked out and didn't know what to think.

You have to do what you think is right.

Yes, 20 is still very young
So is 24, but I do think that it is different.

lol I was afraid you would say that.

I think this comes to how well i can maintain my composure and keep a level head. I will have to try not let my emotions to control me. Never an easy task.

As I have just posted on another thread, when a relationship ends, people grieve. It's natural and normal and part of the healing process.

Maybe you will get back together, or maybe not. Only time will tell ~ and time heals.

Emotions are there because we are human. Don't block sadness ~ let it out or you will feel worse.

I once read that there is a chemical in tears, which helps people to feel better if they cry.
If they suppress the tears, then that chemical can cause depression.

I'll try to find a reference to it.

Good luck!

Here's something from Wikipedia:


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tears

Interesting.

I haven't cried yet! lol

I did feel like crying last week but i think that was a combo of family, personal and work related issues. It never rains it pours but right now all of my emotions seem to be focussed on the split. However i don't know how i feel about it from one day to the next so it is hard to deal with it when i am not exactly sure what i am meant to be dealing with!

Maybe if i forced myself to cry about everything, work, family and the split it would give me more clarity but i don't know. Only time will tell.

I know i miss her at time but at other times i don't miss her, I am just constantly stuck in the middle of my own emotions.

It sounds like you are a bit stressed out.

Yeah i would have to agree. I have been hit by a lot of xxxx all at once.

Times like these test and build character and everything that is going on right now is certainly testing my will to overcome things right now

I don't believe myself. I eneded up sending a txt message to my ex today. I woke up this morning really missing her, which is strange because all of this week i havent missed her at all but today was different.

Anyways i was bored this afternoon so i was txting some friends and without even realising it i txt my ex. I didn't realise what I had done until i sent the txt and i have been kicking myself since then. I know it sounds strange but it was like auto pilot, i just txt her without thinking!

The message read something like this.

"Hey ya. How are you? We ain't spoke in a while so i thought i might as well send a txt. Hows things with ur family? I hope u r ok. I was going to call u to see if you are ok but i thought you wouldn't want to talk to me. If you want to txt back it would be good to hear from you. I've missed you"

I went nearly 4 weeks without contacting her and I let myself down. I am kiciking myself so badly. Why did i do this without realising it? Agrhhhhhhhhh! She aint txt back yet.

Why?

Because you wanted to.

And you wanted to know how she would react.

Well she txt back that same day. She said.

"Hey, I know I haven't spoke to you om a while, I've not been in the best of moods lately, I've not even seen my friends. I do want to spesk to you, I will call you soon."

By the sounds of that she seems like she is worse off than i am. I thought hearing something like that would make me feel better but if anything it made me feel worse because I want to be there for her. When somone I care about, friends, family etc i feel it with them and i am automatically there for them.

I want to talk to her but i am don't if i shall call her or wait for her to call me. I mean take the past out of the equation i generally want to be there for her.

She said that she will call you, so I think that you should respect that, don't you?

However, there is no reason, I suppose, why you couldn't answer her with something like:

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling down.
You know that I am here for you, if you need me.
Let me know if you do.
I'll look forward to hearing from you.

Yeah i hear ya. I have already sent her a similar message saying i will be there for her.

It's hard not to call because i am so protective over everyone i care about, so i am having to fight who i am in this case. I am the person who is always there and cares for the people close to me. It's very hard to switch that part of me off.

Then I am thinking do i want to call so i can see where everything stands? The reason being i never got a clear answer of why she wanted to end it and in the end i had to make the choice for her because she was so confused and wanted to go on a break. 4 weeks down the line, although i do feel better about the whole thing i am still confused about it. I never got that full closure, even when i ended it we both still in a way left the door open for each other.

That may not be a bad thing for now.

Maybe the time for final decisions is when one or both of you is feeling less confused.

Yeah, its always a kind of strange feeling when the answer you receive either 1) Makes no sense or 2) Isn't good enough. Though, sometimes all you can really do is take it as it is.

I know this reply is kinda late, but I was just curious if things have gotten better for you.

Well she called me 3days ago. Well First of all I sent her a txt asking to talk and she called me the day after.

We it is just a normal convo, it was like nothing had happened between us. We were talking about what we have been up2 in the last month blah blah. It was late and we had to both get up for work the next day so we didn't get to speak about us.

At the end of the convo I told her I wanted to talk to her because I have been missing her. She said "I have missed you to but I can't talk about that right now because I have family here"

I am not to sure what she meant by "I can't talk about that right now"??? I didn't ask her to talk about anything.

Unfortunately I don't feel any better, I am still well and truely stuck on the fence. I don't know If I want her back or I want things to stay as they are. All I know is that I do have feelings for her still but I don't want these feelings because they won't allow me to move on. I think this is happening because I don't know how she feels right now so I think I do need to talk to her about this but at the sametime I don't want to because I don't want to hurt her and I don't to get hurt. Even if she said right now to me "I want you back" I don't know if I would say yes.

Right now I feel really bad about the whole thing I just can't seem to resolve this conflict.

Do you have a demanding and enjoyable hobby, or something like that, which you could really devote yourself to until you and she can sort this out?

I agree with PDM on this one. If you remember my post correctly, I did somewhat the same thing.

Started going to the gym more and more and started a new demanding job. It doesn't fix the pain, but it gives you less time to think about it.

As for her words to you... I've been told similar lines. Usually what that means (in my experience) is they do (to some extent) miss you, but with the situation at hand that it may not have been the right time to say it. Also, because of her family being near, she didn't want to get into it (maybe for fear of being emotional.)

You were right about us being in similar situations. So maybe I can try to help you out with my experiences in both my previous and past relationships.

As you said: You had been single for a while and used to it.

I felt the same way. Sometimes I felt as though I would be a bad boyfriend just because of this. A previous g/f (M for simplicity) would constantly say I was "too secretive" because I would go off and do things alone, which were usually dumb things like shopping for clothes, reading, even outside my apartment smoking a cigarette, but because I wasn't including her, I was being secretive. M would constantly get into it with me saying that I was this and that because I wasn't giving it my all, which I was, only that being used to being alone was of a greater part of my life than that of being together.

Also you said: That it got physical very quickly.

This, could also mean a few bad things as well. Sorry to say. I've noticed that when a relationship goes from friendly to extremely friendly in moments, that it can have strange repercussions. The way I describe it is as follows:

Its like you've won the trophy without even doing the race... but still want to do the race.

What I mean by this is, when you get into a physical relationship so quickly, and still want the relationship to follow, it can be difficult. As for why it becomes difficult, I haven't the slightest, but generally it is true, least on my part and for a few people I know. It is possible that she is afraid of commitment in that magnitude, but still willing to have sex. I know that may sound very shallow and strange, but it can happen, and it does. Could be fear of getting hurt, or could be fear of love itself, I haven't the slightest idea. It really does suck when you're on the losing end of this one.

I do honestly think that yes, you are falling (if not already) for this girl. The mere fact that you miss her shows that you do have feelings, and very strong ones for her. Maybe you had never given it thought before, but it was waiting to surface one day. Maybe you grew to like her, the things she does, says or even the way she acts; and that being apart from her, you miss those little things, which all add up to why you miss her and form a unity.

There is some advice I want to give you. As follows in the form of questions that you should ask yourself.

1) Do I really want her back?: If you do, ask yourself why. Does she make me happy? Does she make me genuinely smile? Do I feel peaceful with her? If you can answer yes to all of them, then yes you do want her back. However... you must also ask yourself this question.

2) Is she worth it?: Reason for this question is, similar to my experiences with G (the girl that I made my post about.) Your girl and G seem to be similar. They don't know what they truly want, and can never give an honest, 100% answer. You must ask yourself... can I live with always wondering? Can I live always looking over my shoulder? Can I live with having to wait for her to call/text/msg which could span hours upon days? Can I live with no honesty and the lack of honest commitment? If you answer no to any of these questions... then maybe you would have to rethink everything.

It seems to me that you are a stronger man than I; just because you are still speaking with her. I haven't spoken with G for a while now, and I don't plan on it. By your girl saying she misses you... girls don't say things like that unless its true, even a little bit true. However, it could mean that she misses your companionship and friendship more so than your relationship. This is also common... and it really sucks especially when your feelings are romantic.

I'll tell you... flat out... When you have feelings for someone, genuine feelings, you'll never rid yourself of them, they're forever. You may replace her one day, but you'll always have a tiny spark for her, and only for her. You may have a flame the size of a mountain for someone else, but that little spark will always be there. Its what makes us human, to feel that love.

I can't tell you what to do. I'm a coward compared to you, I ran away from G, so I'll never have the chance to hear if she misses me or not, nor will she ever know that I miss her.

Whether she comes back to you, or whether she decides to keep you as a friend, you must decide. You have the decision to tell her yes or no. Your feelings are just as important as hers. Don't ever treat her like a stranger, speak with her the way you always have, let her know that you're still the same person deep down inside.

Well I have been weight lifting for like the last 3 years. I am big on fitness and somewhat an expert on nutrition. I used to train 5 times a week. My natrual weight is about 12stone (170lbs) I built myself up to 14 stone (roughly 200lbs) of lean muscle. So yeah that is a big hobby of mine. However i stopped training about 2 or 3 months ago because of money probs. I earn a decent wage for my age but with this global crisis right now my money has to go elsewhere. With my gym fee and the amount of food a i needed, supplements, and I was eating 8 or 9 times a day it is a lot of money at the end of the month.

I have thought about going back and not doing so many weights that way my nutritonal needs won't be as high but i dont like doing an half arsed job. I do also play for an online gaming clan called UsR and we are one of the best teams in the world but i would rather do something that gets me out more. I go out with my friends all the time but I do find large chuncks of time of where i have nothing to do.



Thanks for the advice man, most of what you have said I have been asking myself. The problem is I can't give an accurate answer because my feelings developed after we split so it is a tough one to call.

I do need to speak to her about this because I need to know how she feels rather than just wondering the whole time. I fully expect her to say she is happy being single. If that is the case atleast then I will know for sure because when we split she didn't know how she felt.

I am having an hard time because I don't know she feels, I don't know how I feel and If I don't know how I feel then I don't know how to deal with it, because I don't know what I have to deal with.

I can't help but think that because I didn't really chase her in the relationship and maybe she got scared and thought "he don't like me as much as I like him" and she put barriers up to protect herself? That may be completely wrong but she done most of the chasing and I done hardly any.

She was the first girl in 3 years i let get anywhere near close to me and i still had barriers up to protect myself. Throughout the relationship i never missed her, maybe i stopped myself from feeling out of fear of getting hurt? But now I miss a lot. Maybe it is just her companionship i miss i cant give an answer to that, but there is something i really miss about her. How could I not miss her while were together and now I miss her more than ever?

I am inclind to just play it slow, keep talking to her as normal and not tell her how I feel, but then what if she is scared to tell me how she feels. Afterall I told her "I don't want a break, we either stay together or split up" So I never gave the time to think. I told her "I am not prepared to wait around for you to make a decision so I am going to make the decision for you and call it quits" I think i done this as a defensive measure and maybe she was take back by this? Maybe she is thinking "He ain't going to wait for me so I am not going to tell him how I feel"

Basically now I am second guessing my decisions and my words and that isn't me. I am normally very sure about my choices and I stick by them. It is a amazing after 3 years that one girl can make me question everything I have said and done without even saying anything to me.

One thing for sure woman are a powerful force in this world, 5mins of there time and they can get anything they want from a guy. lol

It's funny how many men, on here, say that they don't understand the way that they have been treated by women and how many women say that they don't understand the way that they have been treated by men. We are all just human, after all.

But I keep suggesting that people read the books about how men's and women's minds work differently ~ eg Gray's Venus & Mars books & the Pease books, etc.

They may sound silly, and I don't agree with all of it, but I do think that a lot of it can be very helpful, when it comes to dealings with the opposite gender.

Update. I was speaking to my ex on the phone this evening, general chit chat but she had just got in from work and she had things to do so she said she will call me back when she is done.

I had enough of waiting to tell her how i felt so i just premeptied it and sent it in a txt before she could call back because the phone convos were going nowhere.

I told her everything, it was a very long txt. I told her how I have been confused about how I feel about her but in the last 2 weeks or so my feelings have got stronger for her and i realise now that I want to be with her. These are things i never told her when we were together. I told her that i dont expect anything from her and that I had to take a chance with her by telling her how i felt. I also said it would be good to know how she feels either way.

The way i see it i got tired of sitting here wondering how she feels. Somone had to take that leap of faith so I done it. What kind of a guy whould I be if couldn't tell a woman how I felt about her? Atleast now I have gave her something to think about. I have put the ball in her court and wemt on the offensive for a change. Even If she doesn't get back to me then I still have my answer. if she gets back to me then again I have my answer, either way it is better than not knowing.

I feel a little bit better that i sent that message because she knows how i feel now and she will have to think about what I have said now.

I have played my hand, It will either work or it will but at the end atleast I can say i had the guts to put myself on the line, I had the guts to take a chance with it, and when stood face to face with my own anxiety I stood my groud and refused to be stopped.

When you were young, did you ever have any toys that you liked, but never really played with that much? Did this toy ever break or did you lose it, and you felt horrible about it?

My point is, have you ever heard the old saying "You never know what you have, until its gone."

Its true, the things we take for granted are the ones that we never should have. We're all guilty of this. Sometimes we don't even realize it until its no longer a part of our lives.

The barriers we make are what keep us safe from the slings and arrows of life, but sometimes these barriers are so powerful, they can even stop the softest touch from someone else.



All women are different. Some like to be chased, others hate it. Some like to be teased and treated like pals more so than mates. Some will accept the things you like, others will try their hardest to like it, some will flat out tell you they hate all the things you like. Some like to go out, some stay in. Some will even go as far as play hard to get until you propose. I honestly don't think that she was afraid that you didn't like her, but I think she was afraid because she was beginning to like you.

I don't know how you are in real life, but if you're anything like me, it can be difficult for anyone to get to know the true us because of how you may portray yourself. For instance, being mysterious and never telling the whole truth about yourself, the music/movies you like, the way you speak, the company you keep, even the things you like to do in your spare time, these things add up. Women subconsciously pick up on this as well, and determine everything depending on what they see, and what you tell them. Sometimes what they pick up on is incredibly wrong, but its what they determine.



Taking this step is the hardest. You're basically taking off your armor and spray painting a target over your heart. Sometimes you need to go all out and bet it all on the table, waiting to see if you win big, or go home.

I would have suggested that instead of texting this to her, that you would have spoken to her on the phone or in person, however this is just how I would have done it. I'm a very "up in your face" kinda person. :p but still as long as its said, it doesn't matter how you do it. This is always the most difficult thing to ever do, and I know where you're coming from on this one.

The last piece of advice I can give you is this... and please forgive me if I sound a little crude or crass.

You need to prepare yourself mentally for what her answer could be. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Practice the scenario in your head. Practice what you'll say to her in the event of a "no" and also in the event of a "yes." You can never be fully prepared, but at least you'll have some ammo to protect yourself.

I do hope she gives you another chance. Truly I do, but be prepared man... be prepared.

wow SDG you should write a book on this stuff. Your writing style is so inspiring.

I Have had the same thoughts of what you just wrote but I am no closer to an answer because I do need to know how she feels.

I do agree I should have done it over the phone and I fully inteneded to do that but our phone convo's were going nowhere. It is like we were both avoiding the subject. So I wrote it all down and sent it to her. It is now down to her what she does with the information. I just hope she has the courage to write back to me and give me an answer, good or bad.

I had to put everything I had and bet it all on one hand because I need to know. I am someone who likes to have all the facts in front of me in a nutshell. I don't like thinkg "what if" I don't like second guessing myself and to be honest at the moment this is one problem I don't need right now. There is a lot going on right now and there is a lot that I can't control. I have some control over this part of my life so I have to take control. If I win or lose atleast I will know and I can move on.

Confusion has been with me throughout this whole situation and it is time to find some clarity. Right now I am not thinking straight, I can't focuss in work, I don't feel motivated and I don't feel like I want to go out. I have still been doing all these things but it is getting difficult.

I think that it's really good that you finally feel sure enough of your feelings to lay them before her.

I think that a letter would have been good ~ but, in this day and age, I suppose a text is ok. It will certainly serve the purpose and shed a little more light on the situation for you.

Good luck!

Well she still hasn't replied. I am tempted to call her and just have it out with her but I don't want be pushy and demanding.

Not to be all self self but I think I deserve an answer. I certainly need an answer.

Last night I wrote down all the reasons we are not right for each other and when I think about it perhaps we are not right for each other? If that being the case I don't know why I am feeling so xxxx about it this. The first 4 weeks I didn't know what to think but for the most part I was ok. However now, 6 weeks on i feel worse than I did at the start.

I have got this the wrong way round, I should have felt worse at the start and should be feeling slightly better now.

I hate this, I know now why I stayed single for 3 years by choice and it was to avoid going through this xxxx again.

When we spoke on the phone i put on this complete act of saying "Yeah I am fine, been really busy and i feel good" I think she done the same as we both avoided talking about "us" Now it seems she doesn't want to talk about us at all. I have told her how I feel and I have asked her to tell me how she feels, the least she could do would be to just write back and tell me. But maybe this is another case of where she is showing the immaturity for her age. Maybe this is the immaturity of being 19, but she has been so mature about the whole thing and that has suprised me.

Maybe blurting out your feelings like that took her by surprise, and she just needs a little time to re-assess the situation.

And yes, being 19 may be a factor ~ it may or may not be the maturity / immaturity factor, though.

You can write down a million things that are wrong with someone, but sometimes, all you need is 1 right thing to overtake everything. If you feel you two aren't right for each other, then maybe you're really not, but you have to believe that 100%.

To be honest... I know exactly what you mean by the first 4 weeks. I can back this up with my personal experience. First few weeks I also felt very relieved. It's been a month already for me, and now as recently as three days ago, I'm at that stage where you're at. Where I miss G in every aspect, physically, sexually, communicatively, and personally. It makes absolute sense though.

Reason (at least to me) is because during the first few weeks, you feel strong, you feel relieved, your anxiousness no longer matters because you have nothing left to fear concerning her... but now you're starting to lament, you start to realize what exactly you miss. Its not uncommon, not at all. You never gave yourself a chance to be sad, and I never did either, time was too short to even worry, and it didn't seem even worth it to feel pain. Life warranted keeping busy, keeping occupied, but when everything either slows down, or becomes less of an adventure or challenge and more of a routine... that's when you find yourself thinking... always thinking... and it sucks... really really sucks.



Someone once told me... if you never give people a chance, then you'll never find your second half. I think my reply was something like "yes... but the coffee is too good in la-la-land."

There are two types of people in the world, generally speaking.

Those that require ample and liberal amounts of people to surround them. They are happy being part of the attention or crowd. They settle, never do they fight for what they want, sometimes they don't even know what they want. Always meeting new people and having fun with their friends; the dozens of friends they keep. They are quick to trust everyone, and quicker to forget by all. They do what everyone else does, they sometimes don't even have anything original that defines them. When you say to them "I want to know the real you." their response is always "There is nothing really to tell/There's not much to me/I'm not really all that exciting or special." I like to call these people "Expendables."

Then, there are those that need close to nothing. They have few friends, but the friends they have, they are for life. They trust few, but those they trust, they trust with their life. They know what they want the moment they wake up to the moment they fall asleep at night. Sometimes, they are the center of attention, sometimes they are hidden in the back. People are drawn to them, people like them, and they don't know why. They blend into any crowd, they belong to no one group, they live in the moment, but also plan ahead, they live for today, but hope for tomorrow, and they are never ever forgotten. They're your musicians, your fighters, your heroes, they're even the loud guy that sings at work. I call these people "Non-expendables."

You my friend, you are non-expendable. People like you because you are true to yourself. People admire that, and when someone hurts someone like us, the world feels it.

You don't let many people into your life because you're afraid of if/when they're going to leave. That's our virtue and our vice. An expendable can come and go, but a non-expendable is for life. As much as you want to let people in, its difficult. Maybe you've been hurt too many times, maybe you don't trust people, maybe you think too much, I don't know for sure, maybe its even all three, maybe its neither.

If you wanted to be single for 3 years, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. It just means you were waiting for the right person to come along, the one that just made your world. I don't know if this girl has the ability to do that for you, but it does sound like it, and to someone like us, it means a lot. Everyone says getting hurt is a part of life, its true, it is, but the difference between an E and a NE is how it affects them.

I agree, you do need an answer from her. Give her the time to think yes, but you will need an answer. Not for notice, not for the sake of it, but for closure. For either making or breaking your relationship. I wont go as far to say your girl is an E, but I know G is. I've come to realize that. G is an E, and I am an NE. There are millions like her, but there are few, if any, like me. Likewise for you. The closure of this chapter in your life is what you need. Whether she wants you, or not, it will end this chapter in your life, and you will begin another chapter, but in order to do so, you need the closure, the conclusion, the end. I didn't get my closure with G, and as I said before, her words said one thing but her lips said another. I wont take over your post and talk about myself, but I will say this, don't be like me and run away, find your peace, and begin your new chapter, don't end your chapter on a TBC.



Of course you would tell her you're fine. No one wants to hear the latter, and no one will ever say the latter. Maybe you are correct in her being immature for her age. I dated a girl once who was three years older than me, but she was very immature. Age really has nothing to do with it, but it does play a role at times. She will eventually speak to you about it, it will come up at one time, when she's ready, believe you me. Playing the waiting game sucks, especially when its not on your terms. If you feel inclined to find the truth, you can ask her. I doubt she would see you as pushy, but if she does, then it sadly means she's not giving it her all. Not wanting to be put on the spot. No one likes being put on the spot, but as I said in a previous post, your feelings are just as important, if not more.

I want to leave you with one last thing. These are lyrics from a favorite song of mine. The song is called "Half-Truism" by the Offspring.

"Your own liberation will leave them behind
All the slings and arrows that rain on your mind
Don't make it better
Break it cause it never mattered anyway"

You are your own worst enemy. No one can ever hurt you as much as you can hurt yourself. So everything that happens, though painful, makes you stronger. And though you miss her, if you can wake up every morning, take a breath; you'll see that the world will get brighter again, and your war will come to an end one day.

Hey guys.

Well I finally got to the bottom of this last Thursday. It is completely finished. She wants to be single, she likes being single and she told me she doesn't want to be with anyone at the moment.

I totally understand that and you know what? I haven't felt this good in 6 weeks. Not knowing what was going on was killing me but now I know and I can move on. I am sure I will have a few bad days but I have had my low point already so I can only get better from this point on.

I am now questioning if it was true feelings I had for this girl because once it was sorted I felt completely different. I didn't feel hurt I felt that I got the clarity I had been seeking and everything seemed so much more clear. So did I have feelings for this girl or was I just going mad not knowing? I can't really answer that 100% just yet but I have felt so much better since we sorted this.

SDG. Dude you should be a writer or something, your writing style truely impresses me and it is so Inspirting. Thank you for all of your support. I hope you can move on swiftly in your situation and you can find the answers you are looking for.

PDM. Thanks for replying to everying I have put on here, you have been soo much help and I appreciate your support through this.

You guys are truely Awesome.

It's always the way!

I'm pleased that you have resolved this ~ maybe not as you had hoped, but possibly for the best, long-term.

Good luck!