RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Breaking Up nothing new

Hey guys, this is my first time ever participating in something like this. I never thought ill of it, it's just something I never saw myself doing. I had my high-school sweetheart, but that was about ten years ago, and since then, women have just been fun and games. But of course, I matured too late and finally grew up. I changed my ways for a girl who although was nothing like me at all, changed me so much for the better, helped me to grow. It's because of her that I even believe that love is possible. She was the most innocent thing I've ever known and all I wanted to do was be there for her forever. I thought that was my destiny.
We were together for three years. The happiest years of my life. We were best friends. We knew what the other was thinking before a word was spoken. We spent most of our days laughing and watching her stupid reality shows . All that time was like a dream. Anyway, the month before she broke my heart, she was doing inventory for her company BB&B. She was away for about half of the month and as such, our routine was in total flux. We rarely got to see eachother, but she'd done it before and even this was a kind of odd routine. Anyway, she eventually finished inventory and we were kind of getting back on track.
This is where it gets really pathetic.
She'd bought me an Xbox for christmas, and for the most part had never really expressed much interest in playing it. However, of late a lot of her "bro" buds at work had started playing a certain game that was online-multiplayer. So of course one day when I get home from work, she was totally all over me about us going out and getting this game. Being a guy, I was ALL ABOUT IT. I mean c'mon, how often is it that your significant other wants to play video games! So it gets to the point that our routine involves me getting home from work, and her barely even noticing I'm there because her attention is almost fully on the game. She was always for the most part without many friends, and the guy friends at work/Xbox were not (honestly, I'm not a douche) much of a threat to me because they were either ugly or married. However, they had friends that she played with, and it got to the point where I was jealous because their friends were not as ugly and not as married. This was the only time in our relationship where I'd ever felt that at all. It'd been so long that I'd forgotten what a vile feeling it was.
So anyway, after a bit of this, she calls me at work one day a few hours before I'm scheduled to leave. She's crying and saying stuff that we need to talk about something. Of course being at work and not being able to do anything about it, I'm totally freaking out. There's nothing I can do. Finally I get out and I call her parents to see if there's anything they know. They know nothing and a little bit after I get home she calls me to let me know that it's just her time of the month and to not get too flustered. Things are fine for a couple of days until we're eating our dinner and watching the television. I knew something was up, but I just wanted to not hear it I guess. So anyways...she says we need to rethink our as-of-that-time 3 month engagement. Naturally I am shocked and angry, I don't want to talk about it and I just lose it and run away. So does she for a couple days. After her supposedly staying at her girlfriend's for the weekend, she finally brings the hammer down and dumps me. This was 3 months ago. We have talked a few times since then, we have hung out once at her new place. I get the feeling that she misses me a bit, but for now, she doesn't want me back. Obviously I've been pretty well crushed. I'm past the suicidal phase. I have a great group of friends. I've been LOL "almost" intimate with a girl since then. But basically, what I'm getting at is that I have no closure. I was the first real relationship that she's been in, where she's had someone care as much for her as she did them. I just don't get how she could be so cold. She was such a sweet girl. I never saw her breaking my heart like this. I'll never understand. In all honesty, she was probably the first girl I was with where I recognized the love and I knew it was real. One week ago, it was our anniversary, I want to text her so bad. But I probably shouldn't. I just need some advice I guess.

Hi JAWSATTACK & welcome.

I'm sorry to hear about this.

What do you think actually caused the break-up?

You mention her spending a lot of time on the computer ~ and you feeling ignored. I know all about this. I spend so much time on here, my husband must feel side-lined, too. I must try to break the addiction ~ but computers are addictive ~ especially the games!

So is that it ~ that you got angry & then upset her, because you were feeling rejected?

Or was it that you thought she was giving other boys ~ game-playing boys ~ more attention that you, and you got jealous and she couldn't cope with that?

Or did you both discover sides to the other that you hadn't known existed, which caused you to grow apart?

What actually made her cry?
You mentioned having 'vile' feelings ~ were you 'vile' to her?
Did she suddenly see something in you that she couldn't accept?

If you were both so happy in the relationship, it would have needed more than a tiff over a computer game to cause all this, I would have thought.

You say that you were jealous & angry and shocked & vile.
Were you nasty to her, or just upset about the situation?

You say that she was sweet and yet she broke your heart.

I feel that there must be more to this.

Is it possible that she was not as committed to the relationship as you were, and that the engagement made her give the matter some real thought, which resulted in her breaking up with you?
This does happen.

Obviously you are hurt ~ suicidal feelings need to be acknowledged ~ and help sought. This is a serious matter. Are you sure that these feelings are in the past?

Are you sure that the relationship is really over?
If there is any chance of a reconciliation, I wouldn't recommend becoming intimate with other girls just yet.

Good luck.
I hope that you can both be happy with each other again ~ in or out of a relationship.

Hey PDM, thanks for the response.
In reply to your queries about the reasonings behind the "last straw" as it were, it honestly could've been any one of those.
I'd never really expressed any outward jealousy like that before in all of our relationship. I never had any reason to.
Likewise, she however expressed it constantly.

Like I said, before we got together I was kind of a scumbag in regards to women being fun and games. Even after all of my devotion to her, she would every now and then pick at me about female co-workers, she was just distrusting of any girls in relation to me in general. In the first months of our relationship, I could have totally understood it. I was still in her eyes, a bit of a scumbag. I never cheated on her, but back then before I fell in love with her, I might have. I don't know.
But that part of me died so long ago, so I know it wasn't because of that.

Of course, our relationship wasn't all rose colored lenses. She came from a strong Baptist family. Though they didn't necessarily approve of my non-Christian, well.. no belief structure at all I guess, they loved me and couldn't wait for us to get married.

So yeah, there was the lack of religion thing. Also, she didn't approve of me drinking on my days off. I wasn't some mean lush or anything, but it probably irked her that I even drank at all.

Also, I work in retail and as such, don't make much money.
I think another thing that made her uneasy about marriage was that she had accumulated debt and had just recently accumulated more. She was worried that I wouldn't be able to provide for our future family. To me I guess, just us being together would have solved everything because we were a good team.

As far as the day that it started to "be over" I probably mis-spoke. Too lazy to look back at what I typed. When I typed "vile" what I meant to convey was that I felt anguished and stunned, just sick to my stomach. I was so mad that I didn't even attempt to try and solve the problem right then and there like I should've. By the time I made the effort, I think she was already done with me.

The day after the big non-fight, I had all these horrible dreams. My grandfather had just passed away the month prior, so that was probably wreaking havoc with my brain as well.
I remmeber waking up and she was just sitting over me in bed, looking at me like some lab experiment. She looked so cold. I didn't want to see her like that, so I just went to bed.
Of course by then, she'd been seemingly replaced by this
bitter stone facsmile of the sweet happy girl that I loved. Too late.

It doesn't help either that I live just up the road from our old place. Every now and then our cars will cross on the street and I SWEAR, (maybe it's just all in my head) she looks so happy. Like her life is so much better without me in it. And of course, I'll end up dreaming about us that night. And in the dreams, ..they are so terrible. The last one, we were in bed together and she kept telling me we needed to wake up (HELLO SYMBOLISM!) that we had things to do. Right before I woke up, we were looking into eachothers eyes like we always used to in bed, and we kissed. Of course, I woke up kissing the pillow. How comically cruel.

Also, I could be way off base here and yes, I know this is going to sound very stalkerish of me, but she never bothered to change our old password in our AT&T account (which still happens to be "chucknat", our names). And every now and then when I'm good and drunk, I'll have a look. Lately she's called this one number and talked numerously for a long time. It'll be the main number she calls and talks to for a while. Constant texting.

What's really messed up is that SHE KNOWS this. A couple of months ago, when I was feeling particularly weak and pathetic, I admitted as much and asked/practically begged her to change the password. Her response was that it should be up to me to not even be looking and no, she wasn't going to change it. I guess I understand that, but if the shoe was on the other foot, well it'd be a lot more drama than is going on right now I'm sure.

Sorry about all this venting. But it does help I guess. I know I've painted a pretty grim picture of my life but it's really not as bad as I've made it out I'm sure. I have great friends and family that are always there for me. Hell, even my work friends have been totally there for me. I'm not thinking about suicide anymore, that would be so selfish. My days are for the most part, pretty damned good and I know it's just a matter of waiting it out and being tough.

But when the days are bad, they are horrible. It's just so sad to me that this girl that I pictured growing old with, if I saw her at the mall or something, I'd have to keep on walking by her, strong, just to save face. This life just feels so abnormal. It's been three months. Almost a month since we've had any contact. I just get the feeling that I should be making so much more progress, but I can't let it go.

And that is all. Thanks for the kind words.

Hi Jawsattack.

To respond to your last comment first ~ why do you think that you should be making more progress?
You have acknowledged that you realise it's a case of letting time help you to sort things out, and have said that you have great friends & relatives who are helping you. In the circumstances, that is making progress!

You have to consider this almost as a bereavement. You have lost your partner and the future that you had planned. You need to allow yourself plenty of time, and not have such high expectations of your emotions. You are doing pretty well after only a few weeks.

You won't go back to treating girls badly after this, will you?
I hope not.

It strikes me that things were not as good as they must have seemed and, when you got engaged, this girl realised that her future wasn't with you. I have heard of the same thing happening to others.

It could have been anything ~ religious differences; inability to accept your past; a change in her own personality.

You have to take the positive things from this.
You had some wonderful times together.
She made you see girls in a different light.

As wonderful as you thought she was, she was only human ~ and obviously, if you had stayed together, cracks would have become apparent. She would still have been 'unhappy', and so you would have still become as miserable as you are now.

At least this way you both get the chance to sort yourselves out and find the person you really can grow old with.

I know that it's of little comfort to you now, but long term, this must have been for the best.

I'm sorry about your grandfather ~ it must have made everything even more difficult to cope with. You need time. Take care of yourself.

Hey PDM, thanks again for the awesome advice.
Because of you, I'm now seeing this as a bereavement type of thing, and that helps. I'm trying to see it like she's gone for good. However, it hasn't been a few weeks, it's been a few months.

I think she's found someone else, and I'm trying to deal with that as best I can. It's not really working, I think I might need professional help. In the way of a shrink or anti-depressants or something. I'm not going to stalk her or anything (what with the price of gas these days < > ) but I dread passing by her victorious face on the street. I need new routes I guess. Or another town.

And no, there is no way in hell I'm going back to taking good girls for granted. I was such an ignorant xxxx back then. It's so immature, and because of her I know that love really does exist. I know that with just the right luck and ample amount of patience, I can be happy again. My douchebag days are done, because I now know love is such a fragile thing. But that's for another life far away I imagine.

I hate her so much for this. No...I actually hate myself for letting her in and seeing a future with her. For the first time in my life I felt that I had everything. We could have been living on the streets and I would've been happy. I'm so naive for my age. Do I contradict much?

But you are right, inevitably the cracks would have become more visible and we might've both been very unhappy. I can't imagine that myself, but it seems logical enough. "She's an ex for a reason" I guess. So tonight, I changed the password in our old cell-phone account. Yeah, she'll probably be xxxxxx at me, but atleast I'll no longer have the option of checking in on her personal life on the internet, and in the end, that's only what I asked of her from the get-go.

So, when I get my tax rebate from Uncle Sam, I fully intend on using a bit of it for some therapy. Lately my mind wanders so much that I know that in order to save face and my sanity, I should be talking to somebody, preferrably somebody with a PHD in happypills.

Thank you for the kind words Jawsattack.

You see, you are still making progress.

You know not to go back to negative ways; you realise that you need a professional to talk to; you accept that things might not have worked out, even if you had stayed together. That's all good.

Yes, counselling may really help. Just having someone to talk to, who can help you see things clearly and objectively, could help. Counsellors are usually trained not to tell you what to do, or even to advise, but to help you see things objectively and work things out for yourself. It can be very helpful.

Hatred isn't healthy ~ directed against anyone. You couldn't help falling in love. She couldn't help falling out of love. It happens. And staying together, when one person loves and the other does not, is a recipe for an unhappy relationship.



I remember a friend of my husband's telling me this, just after his girlfriend left him.
Is this just 'a male thing'?
I don't know the answer.
Females, though, are biologically programmed not to feel like this, I think. It's because, subconsciously, they are preparing a nest for future offspring & so need security.

I don't think that you are naive. I think that you loved and trusted and thought that her feelings were the same. Perhaps they were for a while, but something happened to change them. What that something was, I don't know. You may just have grown apart.

I know a couple ~ well, an ex-couple ~ who were lovely, happy and well-suited to each other. Then their situation changed. She got a new job, met new people, became much more outgoing. After a while they simply were no longer compatible and they split up.

In some ways, I was surprised, because they were such a lovely couple, but in other ways I was not, because I could see her changing before my very eyes.

And I know another couple with a very similar story. They lived very happily in a quiet English village & then moved to an American city. They changed a lot. And they separated.

Good luck! Take care! Be easy on yourself. Be easier on her. She probably did you a favour!