RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Breaking Up Am I in a Desperate Situation Now?

I am from China, and he is from one of the Scadinavia countries. We had almost a three year relation. For the first 2 years, we lived together in China, and for the last half year, we lived together in Sweden. We planned everything in future together, and we both met each other's family members. But then he has to go to work in a place far far away from Danmark or Sweden. He has been there for six month. We only had chance meeting each other once during these months. And we talked online everyday. But at the end of July, he broke up with me. I was so upset. I was in China at that time visting family and friends. And there was no sign at all that he would break up with me. We just met each other before I flied back to China. And he gave me all these love letters telling me how much he loves me and how strong his love is two weeks before breaking up. And then we had an argument on the phone, and the second day, he told me it doesnt work. We have been arguing for all the past years. Yes. We come from two totally different culture, and we did fight a lot at the beginning, but we still loved each other crazily back then. That's why no matter how much we fight and how much we hurt each other, we cannot be apart. However, I was actually thinking that things are getting better now, that we are in a stable stage alreay, he suddendly told me breaking up. He told me he doesntn believe that i will change my temper. No matter how much I cry and tell him i will change and i am chaning already, he doesnt believe me anymore. Thus, I used all my savings flied to the place where he works, hoping he will get soft on me when he sees me, coz he told me before it always works when he sees me. However, when I finally arrived there, he screamed out, coz he thought i went there unannounced. And he was so mad at me, and asked me to leave asap. I stayed there only for two days, and I went back to Sweden with a totally broken heart. I was trying so hard to get calm with him. And my friends told me that i should not text message or email or call him like crazily. So I did not do that, only did it once a while, like in one week. One day, I called him, and he even answered the phone (he never answreed it before), and we decided to talk on MSN one day. I was too excited and I immediately sent him a very emotional letter about our past and how i still love him. And then he just turned off mobil again and stopped replying my emails. We are so far away from each other, and this feeling of cannot reach him was really killing me. I was so mad and upset that i started to threaten him, saying if he doesnt contact me, i will go to his place again. So he started talking with me. But on the phone, he coldly told me that he slept with another girl already and he did not love me anymore. He even told me that he did not tell me the truth was becasue he was afraid that i would hurt her. My brain hurts so much and i felt i was on the verge of spiritual breaking down. I was so so... so upset, i thought i might die. I started to say crazy words to him like i will call his office, his boss, and i will kill myself in front of him, letting him regretted for what he had down. He hang off the line, and we never contacted each other again. I started taking pills to get my brain pain.
Thats exactly what happened between us. I feel so desperate and my heart is so broken. However, i am still so in love with him. I hate myself so much after all he had done. And I by chance knew that he was actually lying to me. He is alone there, and there is no another girl. But the harsh truth he kept on telling me and my friends are that he doesnt love me anymore, and his love just died. He told people i cannot forct a person to love me. He really hates being pushed. However, I already did so many crazy things like going to his place, or theathening him. I really want some help from people. I am dying inside every second. I cried so much and i got hurt so much,but why i still so love with him and think about all he has done and all he told me before. Two weeks before breaking up, he told me he loves me that much that he did everything with me in mind, and how his life is two parts since he met me. How can people become so cruel in two weeks? However, he told friends that it's something has been waiting to happen for long. If so, why he still made me so strongly believed that i was loved by him. Why cannot he give me any clue to let me have any sense? It's like a big hit on your head. I really feel so bad. And I really wanna know, doesn it mean the end of everything? And there will be no chance at all for us in future? And what is the really right thing for me to do now? I havnt had any contact with him for half a month. Should i contact him again? God! I wish I wasnt so crazy for him!!!!

Hello CrystalHeart,
I was so sorry to hear your story.

Maybe he has a good reason for his behaviour ~ or maybe he thinks that he has ~ but the way you tell the story it sounds cruel and unfeeling and I think that you are better off without him. I know that sounds harsh. but if he can treat you as he has, then a long term relationship with him would not have been good for you.

If he knew that he was going to break up with you, why didn't he just tell you?
He was afraid ~ because he knew that it would break your heart and he didn't want to witness that.

But why say that he loved you and make plans for the future?!
As I said, unless there is some unknown reason somewhere, he probably just thought that it was easier to break up with you when there was a huge distance between you.

Don't chase him ~ for one thing, it isn't to your advantage and for another, you might be considered a stalker.

Grieve for this lost relationship, but remember, you have probably had a lucky escape and you will be happy again, someday, with someone who can treat you with more understanding and respect ~ and love!

Time heals.

Good luck ~ things will improve, don't forget that.

Take care.

Hi, PDM, thanks so much for your replay:) Yes, it's true he writes me all these love letters two weeks ago before breaking up; and he sent me a song" There are nine million bycycles in BeiJing, thats a fact that you cannot deny, like the face that I will love you till I die..." one week ago before breaking up; I am really disspointed with him now, and i think my basic trust to him is gone already. This is what he told me, while he told the others he has been thinking about breaking up for a long while, and he stopped loving me for a long while. However, when i asked him why he sent me these letters when i went to his working place, he told me he meant it. God!!! Which words are true and which are not!!!!!
Anyway, i am not gonna contace him for a long while, coz i also need time to heal the pain. I am human being, and I have feelings. I dont deserve being treated like this.
He told people the reasons he broke up with me is we always argue and i always push to get my way. And he told people things happened in China. But back then, he did not say that to me at all, instead, he always hugged me and cried and said:"True love drives people crazy or we are doomed to be together." etc. But they are now his reasons to break up. I dont know what i can say. I really dont know.

The best thing will be to try to forget him, but that will take time. Find as many good things as you can to occupy your time and your mind.

Whether your arguments caused this or something else, you must have honesty and trust in a relationship and they don't seem to exist here.

Good luck!

I agree with PDM. Obviously this person has no remorse for how they have broken your heart. Definitely try your best to move on and trust me that time heals all wounds. You will look back in the future and laugh because the present will be so much better...

CrystalHeart:

Your forum name says it all! "CrystalHeart"...very delicate and breaks easy!

Personally, after reading your story, I wouldn't say this man is being cruel necessarily. It sounds as though he has feelings for you but he may think that you are not the one for him. Perhaps he looked at your relationship with his head, rather than his heart, and saw that there was an incompatability issue. Distance and time away can give us clarity in that way.

There are always two sides to every story, and love blinds us to things sometimes. Wishing things were a certain way doesn't make them so.

You say that you fought a lot in the beginning and that fighting had always been an ingredient in your relationship. I married a wonderful woman and was with her for 17 years and we fought a lot in the beginning too. We continued to fight - with less frequency - throughout our marriage. We should have known in the beginning.

Putting a square peg in a round hole is impossible to some people. I know it can be done. If you get a big enough hammer...and smash it hard enough...you can get it in. But neither the peg nor the hole will be the same as they were when you started. All you will have is a bloody mess!

Fighting is normal I suppose. It's the way of chipping off those edges of ourselves that grind on someone else. If a man and a woman live together, this process is bound to happen. Another thing to think of is that a good relationship is very much like ballroom dancing. The man and woman move smoothly across the floor, one leading the other, back and forth. The man is there to present the woman...or to show her off. The woman leans on the man and allows him to take the lead. This is perfect.

Fighting isn't a healthy ingredient in a relationship. Not too frequently anyway. Be happy that you don't have to fight with this man anymore.

I know it's difficult to let someone go that you love. It's very difficult. Actually, I think it's like having someone you love die. Same feelings I would say. But you have to go through all of the pain, and all of the suffering, and in the end, you will be okay.

So, keep your head up and walk away. Don't make it worse by contacting this man and hounding him. Keep your dignity in tact.

Good luck and keep the Kleenex handy!

Marko

Hi,Four Keets, and Marko, thanks so much for your advices. You know, yes, in a way, i really think he has done so much to me, and he changed to a completely different person. However, in aother way, i know how stubborn he is, and how he always believes he is right. Even this time, he writes me that in a few years, i will see he is right again and be annoyed that he is always right. That's also why we fight so much. Anyways, my point is, he treats me in this way this time, bc he is a very stubborn person, and he thinks i go there to push him. He hates being pushed. And one more thing, there is no third part involved in our relation. Thinking about what he had done to me, and what he told me before, I still, even though i hate to say that, but I still am having a hope for him. Am I very stupid? coz he wrote me two weeks ago, how his life is two parts since he met me, and how i am the only single most important person for him in his life. That's why i still cannot belive people can change so quickly. And thats why im still hoping.

CrystalHeart, only you can really decide what is right and best for you. You know him and the situation better than we do. But ask yourself, is this what you really want. If it is ~ fine ~ hope for a reconciliation; if not, then try to move on.

So follow my heart without asking for anything back?!

I'm not advising you to follow your heart and ask for nothing in return ~ I'm just responding to your comments.

My advice was to forget him, but, as I said, I don't know him or you or the situation. And you said 'I still am having a hope for him'.

It's got to be your decision, what you do next ~ no-one else can decide for you what you are going to do and how you are going to respond.

If you follow your heart, ask yourself, where might it lead?

Unrequited love can be painful ~ who would choose a one-sided relationship?
There are millionss of people in this world ~ which means millions of choice combinations.
Choose a man who you love and who loves you ~ that combination exists somewhere.
Seek that out rather than following your heart to a place that may no longer exist.

Choose happiness ~ it's there somewhere, if you look for it in the right place.

For now, concentrate on yourself for a while. Go to evening classes; learn to dance; improve your diet; go shopping; go to a beauty spa; go on visits with friends and family, etc!

Good luck ~ all will be well, if you allow it to be.