RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Breaking Up Am I in a Desperate Situation Now?

I am from China, and he is from one of the Scadinavia countries. We had almost a three year relation. For the first 2 years, we lived together in China, and for the last half year, we lived together in Sweden. We planned everything in future together, and we both met each other's family members. But then he has to go to work in a place far far away from Danmark or Sweden. He has been there for six month. We only had chance meeting each other once during these months. And we talked online everyday. But at the end of July, he broke up with me. I was so upset. I was in China at that time visting family and friends. And there was no sign at all that he would break up with me. We just met each other before I flied back to China. And he gave me all these love letters telling me how much he loves me and how strong his love is two weeks before breaking up. And then we had an argument on the phone, and the second day, he told me it doesnt work. We have been arguing for all the past years. Yes. We come from two totally different culture, and we did fight a lot at the beginning, but we still loved each other crazily back then. That's why no matter how much we fight and how much we hurt each other, we cannot be apart. However, I was actually thinking that things are getting better now, that we are in a stable stage alreay, he suddendly told me breaking up. He told me he doesntn believe that i will change my temper. No matter how much I cry and tell him i will change and i am chaning already, he doesnt believe me anymore. Thus, I used all my savings flied to the place where he works, hoping he will get soft on me when he sees me, coz he told me before it always works when he sees me. However, when I finally arrived there, he screamed out, coz he thought i went there unannounced. And he was so mad at me, and asked me to leave asap. I stayed there only for two days, and I went back to Sweden with a totally broken heart. I was trying so hard to get calm with him. And my friends told me that i should not text message or email or call him like crazily. So I did not do that, only did it once a while, like in one week. One day, I called him, and he even answered the phone (he never answreed it before), and we decided to talk on MSN one day. I was too excited and I immediately sent him a very emotional letter about our past and how i still love him. And then he just turned off mobil again and stopped replying my emails. We are so far away from each other, and this feeling of cannot reach him was really killing me. I was so mad and upset that i started to threaten him, saying if he doesnt contact me, i will go to his place again. So he started talking with me. But on the phone, he coldly told me that he slept with another girl already and he did not love me anymore. He even told me that he did not tell me the truth was becasue he was afraid that i would hurt her. My brain hurts so much and i felt i was on the verge of spiritual breaking down. I was so so... so upset, i thought i might die. I started to say crazy words to him like i will call his office, his boss, and i will kill myself in front of him, letting him regretted for what he had down. He hang off the line, and we never contacted each other again. I started taking pills to get my brain pain.
Thats exactly what happened between us. I feel so desperate and my heart is so broken. However, i am still so in love with him. I hate myself so much after all he had done. And I by chance knew that he was actually lying to me. He is alone there, and there is no another girl. But the harsh truth he kept on telling me and my friends are that he doesnt love me anymore, and his love just died. He told people i cannot forct a person to love me. He really hates being pushed. However, I already did so many crazy things like going to his place, or theathening him. I really want some help from people. I am dying inside every second. I cried so much and i got hurt so much,but why i still so love with him and think about all he has done and all he told me before. Two weeks before breaking up, he told me he loves me that much that he did everything with me in mind, and how his life is two parts since he met me. How can people become so cruel in two weeks? However, he told friends that it's something has been waiting to happen for long. If so, why he still made me so strongly believed that i was loved by him. Why cannot he give me any clue to let me have any sense? It's like a big hit on your head. I really feel so bad. And I really wanna know, doesn it mean the end of everything? And there will be no chance at all for us in future? And what is the really right thing for me to do now? I havnt had any contact with him for half a month. Should i contact him again? God! I wish I wasnt so crazy for him!!!!

Hello CrystalHeart,
I was so sorry to hear your story.

Maybe he has a good reason for his behaviour ~ or maybe he thinks that he has ~ but the way you tell the story it sounds cruel and unfeeling and I think that you are better off without him. I know that sounds harsh. but if he can treat you as he has, then a long term relationship with him would not have been good for you.

If he knew that he was going to break up with you, why didn't he just tell you?
He was afraid ~ because he knew that it would break your heart and he didn't want to witness that.

But why say that he loved you and make plans for the future?!
As I said, unless there is some unknown reason somewhere, he probably just thought that it was easier to break up with you when there was a huge distance between you.

Don't chase him ~ for one thing, it isn't to your advantage and for another, you might be considered a stalker.

Grieve for this lost relationship, but remember, you have probably had a lucky escape and you will be happy again, someday, with someone who can treat you with more understanding and respect ~ and love!

Time heals.

Good luck ~ things will improve, don't forget that.

Take care.

Hi, PDM, thanks so much for your replay:) Yes, it's true he writes me all these love letters two weeks ago before breaking up; and he sent me a song" There are nine million bycycles in BeiJing, thats a fact that you cannot deny, like the face that I will love you till I die..." one week ago before breaking up; I am really disspointed with him now, and i think my basic trust to him is gone already. This is what he told me, while he told the others he has been thinking about breaking up for a long while, and he stopped loving me for a long while. However, when i asked him why he sent me these letters when i went to his working place, he told me he meant it. God!!! Which words are true and which are not!!!!!
Anyway, i am not gonna contace him for a long while, coz i also need time to heal the pain. I am human being, and I have feelings. I dont deserve being treated like this.
He told people the reasons he broke up with me is we always argue and i always push to get my way. And he told people things happened in China. But back then, he did not say that to me at all, instead, he always hugged me and cried and said:"True love drives people crazy or we are doomed to be together." etc. But they are now his reasons to break up. I dont know what i can say. I really dont know.

The best thing will be to try to forget him, but that will take time. Find as many good things as you can to occupy your time and your mind.

Whether your arguments caused this or something else, you must have honesty and trust in a relationship and they don't seem to exist here.

Good luck!

I agree with PDM. Obviously this person has no remorse for how they have broken your heart. Definitely try your best to move on and trust me that time heals all wounds. You will look back in the future and laugh because the present will be so much better...

CrystalHeart:

Your forum name says it all! "CrystalHeart"...very delicate and breaks easy!

Personally, after reading your story, I wouldn't say this man is being cruel necessarily. It sounds as though he has feelings for you but he may think that you are not the one for him. Perhaps he looked at your relationship with his head, rather than his heart, and saw that there was an incompatability issue. Distance and time away can give us clarity in that way.

There are always two sides to every story, and love blinds us to things sometimes. Wishing things were a certain way doesn't make them so.

You say that you fought a lot in the beginning and that fighting had always been an ingredient in your relationship. I married a wonderful woman and was with her for 17 years and we fought a lot in the beginning too. We continued to fight - with less frequency - throughout our marriage. We should have known in the beginning.

Putting a square peg in a round hole is impossible to some people. I know it can be done. If you get a big enough hammer...and smash it hard enough...you can get it in. But neither the peg nor the hole will be the same as they were when you started. All you will have is a bloody mess!

Fighting is normal I suppose. It's the way of chipping off those edges of ourselves that grind on someone else. If a man and a woman live together, this process is bound to happen. Another thing to think of is that a good relationship is very much like ballroom dancing. The man and woman move smoothly across the floor, one leading the other, back and forth. The man is there to present the woman...or to show her off. The woman leans on the man and allows him to take the lead. This is perfect.

Fighting isn't a healthy ingredient in a relationship. Not too frequently anyway. Be happy that you don't have to fight with this man anymore.

I know it's difficult to let someone go that you love. It's very difficult. Actually, I think it's like having someone you love die. Same feelings I would say. But you have to go through all of the pain, and all of the suffering, and in the end, you will be okay.

So, keep your head up and walk away. Don't make it worse by contacting this man and hounding him. Keep your dignity in tact.

Good luck and keep the Kleenex handy!

Marko

Hi,Four Keets, and Marko, thanks so much for your advices. You know, yes, in a way, i really think he has done so much to me, and he changed to a completely different person. However, in aother way, i know how stubborn he is, and how he always believes he is right. Even this time, he writes me that in a few years, i will see he is right again and be annoyed that he is always right. That's also why we fight so much. Anyways, my point is, he treats me in this way this time, bc he is a very stubborn person, and he thinks i go there to push him. He hates being pushed. And one more thing, there is no third part involved in our relation. Thinking about what he had done to me, and what he told me before, I still, even though i hate to say that, but I still am having a hope for him. Am I very stupid? coz he wrote me two weeks ago, how his life is two parts since he met me, and how i am the only single most important person for him in his life. That's why i still cannot belive people can change so quickly. And thats why im still hoping.

CrystalHeart, only you can really decide what is right and best for you. You know him and the situation better than we do. But ask yourself, is this what you really want. If it is ~ fine ~ hope for a reconciliation; if not, then try to move on.

So follow my heart without asking for anything back?!

I'm not advising you to follow your heart and ask for nothing in return ~ I'm just responding to your comments.

My advice was to forget him, but, as I said, I don't know him or you or the situation. And you said 'I still am having a hope for him'.

It's got to be your decision, what you do next ~ no-one else can decide for you what you are going to do and how you are going to respond.

If you follow your heart, ask yourself, where might it lead?

Unrequited love can be painful ~ who would choose a one-sided relationship?
There are millionss of people in this world ~ which means millions of choice combinations.
Choose a man who you love and who loves you ~ that combination exists somewhere.
Seek that out rather than following your heart to a place that may no longer exist.

Choose happiness ~ it's there somewhere, if you look for it in the right place.

For now, concentrate on yourself for a while. Go to evening classes; learn to dance; improve your diet; go shopping; go to a beauty spa; go on visits with friends and family, etc!

Good luck ~ all will be well, if you allow it to be.

I completely agree with PDM. You need to do what is right for you. However, I can say that if I were in this situation, I would no longer contact him, I would not keep up hope for a reconciliation (because why wait when I have my whole life ahead of me), and I would move on a stronger woman. Of course, this is what I would do... you have to make your own choice.

i think he already found someone new. Guys are like that, they blame you for things you did not do, they became fault finders when in the beginning those were the things he liked about you, they get irritated easily and they put the blame on you saying you are quarrelsome when in fact they are the guilty ones. It's just a cover up, he's defensive. Sorry i can't say there's still a chance but who knows, maybe he'll have a change of heart. Everything's possible. Maybe a box of donuts will do, or a surprise pizza delivery. Guys love it when you pamper them. Guys who are not insensitive.

Welcome marilu_bu2.

Yes, as marilu_bu2 & Four Keets say, it has to be your own decision, and you might one day have a wonderful reconciliation, but you might also be better off seeking love elsewhere ~ for both of your sakes.

Whatever you choose to do, CrystalHeart, I hope that it works out well for you.

Thanks so much for everyone first. And this is the letter he gave me 2 weeks before breaking up; while he told the others that this breaking up thing is sth. has been waiting for long to happen. I used to trust him so much. And when I went to that island where he works, i asked him about this letter, but he told me he meant it when he wrote it. And his eyes turn red also, saying "I still like you very very much." Here is the letter: "You cannot possibly imagine it. You cannot possibly imagine, what difference you have done to my life. I honestly don’t think you know, but you, and you alone have changed everything about me, about what I think and how I act. I have told you before, and it is still true, when I think about my life, the dividing point is when I meet you. For me, there is life before I meat you and after. You are the single most important person in my life, and everything I do, I do with you in mind, thinking about how it will affect you, what you will say about it. My love for you is that strong. Whatever happens, whatever the future brings nobody knows. But what I do know is, that I will always always always love you and nothing will ever change that, and that a smile from you will make my heart smile for the rest of the day. I love you sugar, only you and always you, I am sorry if I don’t say it somuch, but that is truly how I feel."

This letter is also sth. that motivates me to spend all my savings to fly there to save up. However, as I told you, he screamed and drove me away in 2 days.
He also wrote to my other friends before that his life is 2 parts since he met me, thats also why I really believe his words. He is the shy type, and very sensative. He thinks a lot, but it now seems that I never know what he actually thinks. For example, when I was studying in Sweden last year, he payed all my expense for staying there. I always think this is his way of showing love, but now I know he told people that he just accepted his responsibility of bringing me to Sweden. He told people that we argued a lot in China, but he still hoped that I will change and things will work out between us. But it just doesnt work out. However, he never talked with me about it. And I never even know that he started to think about our relatio so seriously long ago. I am so stupid.

I have to admit to u guys here I was too immature and childish before. When I met him, he was 28, and I was 22. I grow up in China and live on campus almost for 22 years, coz my mom is a teacher, and my parents living place in just on campus. I grow up in that environment and myself became a university teacher at 21. (I went to school very early).
Anyways, my point is, even comparing with lots of Chinese, I am sort of too innocent and naive; while he is much more mature than me. He traveled more than 38 countries, and he is 6 year older than me. When he went to my university and became my co-worker and then we fall in love, I always think it's like a fairytale. He exactly satisfies all my fantacy of a prince of charming. I was so lost all of a sudden. I could not believe it's true. I love him so much that i always always worry that he will leave me one day. Thus, I behave more and more abnormal. Sometimes, he gave me less attention, I immediately connect is with his love. And I scream, shout. I once throw away all his stuff outside and asked him to get out; and I once shouted and cried to him in front of a supermarket in Sweden; Now when i think back, I regretted so much that why i have to do that. When i did it, I just want to see whether he will leave me this time. He cried so much when I shouted in front of everyone. He told me that the Swedish may think he is maltreating me or sth. that they may call the police. And even that time, he did not leave me. He still forgave me. And Chrismas, we argued again, and I left with my suitcase, and he told me if I leave, then we will really over. But again, to test his love, I jumped on the train, even though I was so nervous that i will lose him for real this time. However, he still called me finally and forgave me again, and picked me up by car. He told me that if any person from Scandinavia culture knows how he treats me, they will think he is mentally sick. And that's his love to me. He doubts that there are any person in this world will love another person like he does to me.
I hate myself so much. I am a kind, loving, and smiling person to everyone, and all my friends, teachers in Sweden and in his family likes me. But I really really dont know why I behave so extremely in front of him. I really hate myself so much. I love him too much. Sometimes, when I go to sleep, I worry that i will die for some reason during sleep, and by thinking about he will be the only one in this harsh world, I cried out of head.
I love him that much that I could not see him as a white Western guy, but only him. That unique stubborn and weried person in my life. I dont care he has money or not. I tried so hard to find job in Sweden, and I even want to take any xxxxx job I wouldn't even thought about in China, just becasue I dont want him to pay for me anymore. I want him to use his money to have fun.
We joked before. If he has 10 krone, and he will use 5 to pay tax, and give me 4, and have one only by himself.
Now I have finally found a job in Sweden. And finally grow up, but he choose to leave now. How can I forgot him. There are memories all over China, Europe, coz we have been travling a lot in China, and Europe. He told me he wanted to bring me to all the places he has been to. Where should I go? I feel I am such a shallow empty body now without knowing where my heart is now.
And that's the reason why It's really really hard for me to just give him up. He did too much for me before, and I don't even have chance to repay his love back:(

About the idear that whether there is a third party involved, I asked him before. And here is his reply: "The harsh truth. I am very tempted not to tell you the truth. Because if I lie to you and tell you that I have a relation with another girl, maybe you will finally understand that we have broken up. But I want to be honest with you, and tell you the truth, I am not in a relation with any other girl. But at the same time, you must understand that we have broken up. I don’t want to be harsh on you, but you are still acting exactly like before. You say you have changed, that you have learned, that you are different, but you still act in the same way, when you want something. You keep pushing and pushing and pushing until you get your way. ***, I cannot be pushed. I will be straight forward with you, and tell you that I will not get back together with you, no matter how many times you write me to try and change my mind. Listen to me, for once, listen to me instead of just pushing for what you want. My opinion matters. You cannot push somebody to love you and be your boyfriend, when I break up with you, you have to accept that you cannot force me to come back in one way or another. You have to accept my opinion even if you don’t agree. You have never been able to do that, and it seems you still don’t. If you really want to show me that you have changed then accept my decision to break up, instead of just ignoring my opinion and keep on asking me to change it. I am really so sorry to talk so directly to you, but you must understand that we are over and that will never ever change. I am not Chinese, I am not a girl, and I am not just playing a big drama because I want some confirmation of your love or something like that. What I tell you is exactly what I mean.You must accept it and get on with your life."

I think that I understand now ~ he is trying to protect himself from the extreme behaviour that he perceives in you and had to put a distance between you before he was able to do it.

Maybe you should try to get some counselling, to help you deal with your emotions, and those of others. If you did that and told him that you really could change because of it ... well, who knows?

I agree that counselling is probably the best idea in this situation. Actually listen to what he is saying and help yourself out. Don't spend all of your money trying to visit him; be inside of yourself and figure out who you are and what you want to be... if you aren't strong on your own, you will be miserable whether you are in a relationship or not.

PDM, Four Keets, thanks for your advices again. Yes, I am talking with a student healthy advicer now in my university and telling him about it. I go there once a week now.
And actually, apart from behaving abnormally and extremely in front of him, I am the type can befriend with almost everyone. I am told by people of various nationalities that I am a sweet girl. My point is, I never mean ill to anyone, let alone him. I just really love him in a wrong way.
Anyways, it's too late now. Even though I am doing the consulting, and trying to change. I already changed a lot. I am working and studying at the same time now, and I manage it very well. Even though I am a Chinese girl, I can actually support myself now living in Sweden and Danmark.
It's very tiring of course. But if it's not like this, I would never known how much he did for me before. I dont know how to describe the change. It's just sth. happens in my mind. The way I think and I learn things are very different from before now. However, he is so far away from me, and we do not even contact each other now. How can he ever know whether I changed or not?????
Another thing he keeps on telling me is that he doesnt love me anymore, and he will never love me again. He said even if I change, it's good for me, but it's not important and doesn't matter for him anymore. Does it mean that no matter what i do, nothing can help anymore????

I think that you have some things in common with the girl in this thread, so do have a look:

http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=217851#Post217851

Who can say?

It seems that he did love you, but could not cope with the emotional highs and lows, and now that he is away from them, he has decided that this is better for him, and he has had to draw a line under the past.

Can you really take the pressure off?

Think what we might have said if he had sent in his problem.

Originally Posted By: CrystalHeart.... Does it mean that no matter what i do, nothing can help anymore????

Let me tell you one thing I can almost guarantee... there is nothing you can do to help RIGHT NOW.

Please continue taking care of yourself and put this past relationship thing aside for a while. Right now you need to be more important to you... don't worry what he thinks right now because it doesn't matter.

The future may be a different story, but you need to live in the now to get through this.

The thing is, both of you are probably hurting just now and it's difficult to know how things will work out, or what might be the best outcome for each of you. It's good that you are having the counselling. This could help either way, I'm sure. I agree with four keets about taking care of yourself and keeping positive and active in things that interest you. As I said, it would be interesting to hear his angle on all this. Both of you may well be in the right & in the wrong. This is what often happens when people argue & fall out. I have put together an imaginary summary from his viewpoint, based on what you have said. Read it and have a think. Could it possibly be how he is feeling? How would you react to something like this if you were replying on here. [quote=imaginarysummary]I am Scandinavian & my ex-girlfiend is Chinese. We lived together for almost a three years & planned to spend our lives together, but in July, while I was working away and she was visiting family, I broke up with her. We had just had an argument on the phone ~ one of many throughout our relationship. She always pushes to get her own way ~ though she thinks it's me who is stubborn! I told her that I cannot be pushed. I realised that our relationship would have to end. I was straight with her and told her that it was over and we would not get back together. I'm a fairly quiet person and I realised while we were apart that I could no longer cope with all the drama. I didn’t want to be harsh on her, but she was still acting just like before, though she said that she had changed ~ pushing to get her own way. But my opinion matters too. One cannot be pushed into loving someone. She has to accept my opinion, even if she doesn’t agree with it. I realise that I had given her no sign of the break up; indeed I had written letters to her, saying how much I loved her and would always love her. I didn't know then how I would feel while we were apart ~ that I would realise that the emotional pressure was too much for me. She is a sweet girl ~ & popular ~ but we fought from the very beginning. At first, it didn't matter. I thought that true love drives people crazy and believed that things would change. I have sometimes said that I stopped loving her a while ago ~ but maybe it was just the emotional behaviour. She would scream & shout for attention, even in the supermarket. People must have thought that I was maltreating her. I forgave her. At Christmas, she packed her bags and left. That was when I first thought that our relationship might have to end, but I forgave her again and she came back. Now I've been able to think, and to experience time without the arguments. I realised, quite suddenly, that we must break up. I don't think that she can change her ways, which means arguments all the way. I tend to relent when I see her, which is why I had to do this while there was space between us. When she flew out to see me, I could not allow myself to give in, so I shouted at her to leave. This must be hard on her but I have to end it. She was so mad and upset that she started making threats. She says that her heart is broken, but I cannot change my mind now and I cannot be forced to continue a love affair that is not right for us.[/quote] As I said, it's just imaginary, but it is based on some things that you said and it might enable us all to see things from different angles and to try to understand and respond to both sides. I wish you both well. You both sound as if you are very nice people ~ who may just need some relationship counselling. :)

Again, thanks so much for your help, PDM, and Four Keets.
And PDM, your immaginarysummery is absolutly brilliant!!!! I cannot believe it when I read it---coz im feeling so much like reading him or his words. The way you write is so much alike to his,and so TRUE!!! That's exactly what he feels right now.
Anyway, I will definitly follow your suggestion: doing nothing but taking care of myself now.
And I read that link, PDM. Yes, somehow we are similar, that Swedish guy and my ex are both quiet type, and my ex even told me the same thing that he also thinks that he will live a life alone, and then he met me. Now I doubt whether it's something that all Scandinavian people say:) Kidding.
However, she is in a much positive situation than I am. If they are taking a break, it means they really want it work and save up. However, I did not even have this chance now:( And her bf still love her, while mine told me and my friends very directly that he doesnt love me anymore and he will never love me again and he will never come back to be my boyfriend.
I was having sometime with my boss' family last night. They both from Norway, and they told me to move on. It seems that this breaking up thing is more and more popular in Scandinavia now. People just leave if they dont feel love anymore. They told me one of their friend's husband told his wife he wanna get some tobaco one day and then he never come back again:( So upset. And of course it's not sth. to be proud of or sth. right that you just break up like this or from a phone call,or via email or text message, but if it happens, what can u do about it?
The reason I cannot just give him up, is also because I am very clear that I am the one who has to take the most responsibility,and I know how much he loved me before, and how I did not cherish it!!!!! Like I said, many people will just scream and run away the first day if I treat them like I did to him. That's why I think he is somehow a bit different from the others. He understands and tolerants more about the culture thing than others, it seems. That's why I cannot just follow the advices from all the other people from his culture-----forget him, and move on!!!! Iam still hoping rely on his difference from his people!

He was on MSN today. He never logged on again since we broke up. I was a bit excited, and then of course started talking with him. We had chit chat at the beginning. And then I asked him about his business trip to London next month. I dont know whether i crossed the line or not. But I asked him whether we can meet in Copenhagen airport. And then he said, sorry, but i dont want to. I said fine, sorry for asking. And then he told me again: We will never be together again. But I still care a lot about you. I never want to be back with you again, and that will never change.
Then of course, I cried so much the whole afternoon. And I dont know what I can say and can do anymore.
Why he has to smash my heart so completly all the time?

I don't know either of you, but I am guessing that he is acting out of self-preservation. He is very fond of you, but feels that a relationship with you was, & will continue to be, destructive to him, so he feels that he cannot allow you into his heart and life any more.

I think that perhaps you should just accept this and move on.

The only thing that I might suggect is that you write to him and explain how you feel, but that you do understand how he feels too.
Try to put yourself in his shoes.

Tell him, perhaps, that you have been getting help, opinions and advice and that you are getting counselling, because you know that, though you love him, your extreme behaviour towards him is destructive.

You could ask him if there is any chance at all of a future reconciliation, if you could get help and get rid of the negative behaviour.

But threats and hysteria are only going to make things worse, so your communication will have to be reasoned, logical, understanding and appreciative of what he has been saying to you.

Give it time ~ either you will find that you can move on; or you can learn to control your extreme behaviour and maybe, just maybe, you might get back with him.

I think that it might be worth you examining why you behave as you do.

Why do / did you push him to the limits to prove his love for you?

Why did you have a tantrum at the supermarket ~ that's what my kids did when they were toddlers?

Is it that you have a history of rejection, or were you perhaps a 'spoilt' child?

You need to look at yourself and your behaviour objectively rather than subjectively.

I would also recommend that you read some books on the differences between the brains of men & women ~ something like the Venus & Mars books would do, & there are others. They can be very illuminating and can help relationships to work, in my opinion.

Thanks so much for your quick reply. I am crying and dying home, ALONE. I now start to be afraid of hearing anything from him now, coz i still can be affected by him so much so easily. I havent contact him for almost 1 month, and i at least do not feel this pain like i am feeling now.
And about your suggest, PDM, yes, i will try my best to think in his shoes, but asking "You could ask him if there is any chance at all of a future reconciliation, if you could get help and get rid of the negative behaviour." Trust me, he will out of nature just say no. I will never be together with you again, or I will never love you again. I cannot ask him about anything now about the second chance it seems.
And he even told me, if I can really change, it's good for me, but it doesnt matter for him anymore.
when he started to contact me today, i was so excited and nervous and cannot believe it's trune, but now it's such a kind of ending. I am so in a mess now, my brain, i dont know what i should do. He told me he just wants to know everything is fine with me or not. He still cares a lot for me, but not love anymore, and will never again.
He uses never in almost every sentence.

I think that the 'never' is a safety mechanism for him. He probably does mean it because he feels that it is the only way to protect himself from a destructive relationship.

When I suggested that you ask him that question, it was only because you seemed so sure that the two of you were destined to get back together.
Also, I wasn't suggesting that he would answer or agree, just that, if you were determined to try, that this might be something that you could put to him ~ without pressure of any reply.

If you do change ~ then maybe he will change, too.
You cannot expect this, but it might just be a possibility.

And, as he says, if you do change, it will benefit future relationships for you ~ with him or with someone else.

But do look inside yourself, at what is going on and why.

You are bound to feel sad and lonely and confused and rejected right now, so look after yourself and try to get involved in positive interests.

Perhaps you could spend some quality time with friends or family. Have you asked them for unbiased opinions on you and your relationship?



Good luck!

I am totally ALONE here now in Sweden. No friends. I lived in a city in the North before, and then we planned the future together, so I moved to the south now. I havn't met anyone yet, staying in my room alone all the time. And I cannot concentrate on my study or work at all. Too bad. Not mention my family who are far away from me back in China.
I dont know what I should do now.
I already got a Master from Sweden. I can find a good job easily in China. However, the university I got accepted now is the best one in Sweden. But I will still get a Master only in 2 years.
I dont even know I should stay in Sweden or just go back to China now. We planned everything together. Now everything becomes pointless to me now.
Sweden is not like U.S or Canada. It's not an immigration coutry. Thus, if i cannot get the working permit in future, I still have to go back to China in any case. I dont know. I dont know where is my future and what i should do now.
No matter how nice he was to me before, this way of breaking up is really too harsh. He refuses talking to me,.talking about whether I should go on staying or not. I feel so desperate now. And I almost start to hate him now. No matter what, I think I deserve a normal talk when we break up. I deserve we figure out what i should do next.

Yes, I can see why you feel as you do.

I can't decide for you what you should do next, but you need to be as objective as you can be, which is difficult, I know, because this is an emotional time for you.

It's not good to be alone, so perhaps you should return to your family, but, as you have been accepted at a very good university, it might be a shame to turn that down.

It is sad that the two of you cannot at least have a sensible discussion on this, but it sounds as if you are not as compatible as you both thought and that you cannot be together without matters becoming too emotional.

Time is a great healer ~ remember that.

And in the future you may well find someone who really is your soul mate.

Take care of yourself and good luck with all this.

My Swedish friends are very angry with his attitude, and they want to find some social help. They think that living together for 2 year and a half is somehow a leagal relation already, and he cannot treat me this way.
But, I dont want us end up in such a kind of way. I love him still. If everything has to be solved by lawyer or sth. I will lose the most valuable relation ever happens to me in my life.
However, he refuses to talk about what i should do next at all.
I really really am very very lost now.

And the most important thing in my heart, I still have hopes on him. And I still want to try to write to him in some other way. Try to write a letter in the way how he thinks and try to see whether it helps or not.

I don't know anything about Swedish law; I assume that they mean something like you being his 'common law wife'.

I suppose that this is the difference between living together as a married couple and actually being married. If you had been married, this would have made a difference to the outcome, but not to the feelings.

There are two things, at least, going on here.
1. Why he has gone ~ fault and blame etc.
2. Whether you should be treated like this, when you were his long-term partner.

Personally, I think that, if you do write to him, then you will need to keep the letter very low key ~ ie no hysterics.

I'm not recommending that you do or do not contact him ~ only you can make that decision. However, you should seek some non-judgemental advice, I think, for both of your sakes.


Maybe you could say

~That you understand why he has done this ~ because he finds your behaviour overly dramatic and difficult to cope with ~ but that he did say that he loved you, so you feel that he must surely be concerned about how things have been left with you.

~That your friends have suggested legal proceedings, as if you were his common law wife, but that the love you still have for him, in spite of your anger and sadness at what he has done, mean that you don't want to follow that path.

~That perhaps, when emotions are less raw, you can discuss the future again ~ even if, against your wishes but acknowledging his, this future has to be separate rather than together.


Yes, try to write a letter seeing things from his angle. You know that you can, because you have put it to us on this forum.

Thanks very much for your patience, PDM.
Yes, of course I want to have a reasonable contact and talk with him. However, he overreacts so much in this whole thing. He refuses any normal conversation with me. It's already 2 months since we broke up. And we still haven't got any chance for a normal talk. Firstly, he did not answer the phone; Then I flew to the island he works, and he shouted me to leave; then we exploded and started to hurt each other: him by telling me he has another girl, and me by making all threats to him; And 2 days ago it's the first time we talk since the explosition. I just suggest that we might have a meet when he is in Copenhagen. However, he reacted like some dog is bitting him, and said NO so directly and qucikly, and then left MSN as soon as he can. I again have no chance to ask or say anything.
It's realy so bad between us.
However, still, I perfer not to use the law. He in any case was very nice to me before. I really dont know what makes him behave like this now. Why we cannot have any real rational talk now?
And sometimes I just feel he is really so unfair to me in this, and then I really want to have some leagal protection to myself.
In a word, I am struggling so much, and tomorrow is my exam day. I haven't even read the books yet, feeling like that guy really destroyed my life so completely.

Have an early night, read through your notes and try to relax. That's all you can do for now.

When I was looking at all our pics last night, I cannot control myself crying. And listen to the song for our love at the same time. My tears running down my face like hell. And I write to him a very emotial email, telling him how I never blamed him for one second in this breaking up, and nobody can ever replace his position in my heart. And I said I just regret that I did not know how to cherish the best thing that ever happens to me, and I would use my life to change for a second chance. A very touching letter, however, no response from him at all.

I think that you are going to have to give him a lot more time if you want any response from him.

It seems to me that, in your different ways, you are both responsible for what is happening now.

It must seem very unfair on both of you, for different reasons.

PDM, what should I say? I really feel you are very ... sharp or even professional in these things, coz what you said is somehow exactly what I feel.

"It seems to me that, in your different ways, you are both responsible for what is happening now.

It must seem very unfair on both of you, for different reasons. "

Exactly!!!! Absolutly!!!
Even though I really really I feel bad, I still think that he may not feel any better than I am. We really both have to take resoponsibilities. And its ture it's really not so fair for him also. I really know that.

I heard from my Swedish girlfriend yesterday that she was so mad at him and she even wrote him two letters accusing him as loser and coward and told him that she will find social help from some Swedish Organization.

Holly xxxx!!!! Everything is out of control now. She is my best Swedish girl friend. However, her letters really ... doesnt make things any better!!!!!

He must be thinking it's me who is supporting her to do that. I was so ... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! My head exploded and my spirit was off when I heard about it.

I don't want to explain to him about anything. It just makes everything worse and looks like I'm trying to cover something. I just, for now, i dont want to do anything with him.

You are right, PDM. I have to give him a lot more time if I want to communicate with him now. And now after my Swedish girl's letters with pushing and threatening, I dont know... maybe even more and more time now. I realy don't know now. How long? 1 month? 3 months? half a year? I really don't know.

I went back today with my new classmate, a guy from New York. He told me from his point of view, the same as you guys: Dont go after him. Make him miss me. However, after all the pushing and threatening from me and my girlfriends, is it possible that there will still be hopes???? I really really I love him and still want to fight for him back.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS: I did quite well today in exam. I may not get a straight A like last year, but I think I can pass.

Glad the exam didn't go too badly.

Only time will tell now.

"You are right, PDM. I have to give him a lot more time if I want to communicate with him now. And now after my Swedish girl's letters with pushing and threatening, I dont know... maybe even more and more time now. I realy don't know now. How long? 1 month? 3 months? half a year? I really don't know."

And yesterady, Hollewen, it was our first date three years ago... i was very very tempted to write something to him. And I did not at the end.

Should I write him anything or not now? And if i should, what should I write? And what if he will never response?

Sorry for all the questions...

I think that you should just wait a while ~ but I don't know.

i dont know either:(

However, he is a very very soft-hearted guy before, who gets emotional and cries easily. From the letter he wrote me maybe you can see.
Thus, I was still thinking that maybe that i should write him more emails talking about the things happened between us. Like yesterday, Hollewen, and it was our first date three years ago. I just want to mention something happend between us back then.

Anyway, I was thinking about the soft approach. And start writing my daily life in MSN space, and try to show him that i can be independent and change in different ways.

Thats what im thinking now.

New development:

I sent him an email last night, talking about our first date on Hollewen three years ago and then the next Hollewens. He did not reply.

Today, I sent him a text message, telling him that i have sth. to ask him for, and need his help.

Then he replied. I was very supprised.

Firstly, we just talked about sth. about my study.
And then we started to talk about my job now. And he really got interested. He kept on asking me about my salary, and i joked that how can you be so nosy. He said, this was my life in Shanghai before.(I always ask him:)before) And he even talked some Chinese with me like what we did before.

I mentioned sth. about his hand line, and said it's not so good. He said, not a good life, right? i said i m sorry to say so. He said not a big surprise, but he perfers not to know, coz it doesnt make him any happier. And I then said, but you met me, and i will never make you have a bad life. But i know i gave you too much excitedment. He said yes yes yes.

Finally, he had to go, and i said ok talk next time then. He normally just left. But this time, he told me, im going to take a shower and then watch football game with a bunch of guys. I was so happy that he said so, coz then i know he was not going out to date.

This is it. A 40-minute talk. I dont know whether its a good sign, or just a bad sign, coz my Chinese friends just think it may show that he totally let it go already. So he can talk with me as a normal friend.

i dont know how it works in a Western way.....Thanks...

he gave me a letter like this just now, and i cried until my head gets hurt...

The reason that I have not replied your emails and text messages for along time, is that you keep ignoring it when I tell you that we are over and will not get back together. My biggest worry talking to you yesterday was that you would think that it means something more than it does. That you immediately will start sending me messages and calling and emailing all the time, because I have fought so hard to get you to stop that. But this is excactly what you did. You showed me very vclearly, that I cannot talk with you as a friend, you refuse to believe that I am only a friend. Since you refuse to listen to my words, like you always have, you are forcing me to show you the only way that I can, which is not to accept emails, calls and messages. Maybe in some weeks we can try to chat again if by then you finnally start listening to what I say instead of making up the world you want. But for now, dont contact me, I will erase messages and emails from you, and not receive your calls. ACCEPT IT WE ARE OVER! SOrru to be harsh but you keep ignoring what I say.

Your friend
*****

But Crystalheart, you cannot, surely, be too surprised by this. This is what he has been saying all along.
He cares about you, but he cannot cope, any longer, with a relationship with you, because, as he sees it, you put too much pressure on him.

It is a harsh truth that you will have to accept.

But, if you want him in your life at all, then you are going to have to accept it.

I am not saying who is right or wrong, simply pointing out what you have been telling us, but which you do not seem able to believe.

No-one knows what the future may bring ~ who knows if he may even change his mind one day ~ but the emotional pressure that your messages put on him is exactly what he finds so difficult to deal with.

I'm guessing that he feels a bit suffocated by your devotion. Not everyone can cope with it. People need freedom; even loving couples need to have lives of their own and to have control over their lives. I think that he felt out of control.

Take what you can from this ~ his affection and friendship. It may seem sad and unfair, but it will be better than falling out completely.

I do feel very sorry that your love is now unrequited ~ that is painful ~ but be positive.
You are educated and intelligent.
Start doing positive interesting things - for you.

He said 'My biggest worry talking to you yesterday was that you would think that it means something more than it does' and that is no surprise. If you want a relationship with him now, it will have to be on his terms ~ friendly but acknowledging that he no longer wants this to be a romantic entanglement.

Tell him that you accept this, even though it desperately saddens you to say it, but that his friendship is better than nothing, and that you will try very hard not to put pressure on him to change his mind, because that is how he wants it and you are willing to respect that. Tell him that you know he understands you and how hard it will be, but that you will try because you realise that you have caused him emotional turmoil in the past. Acknowledge that he is causing you emotional turmoil now, but admit that you don't want a bitter falling out.

And no matter how hard it is for you to do this ~ be truthful when you say it. If you cannot say it truthfully, then you will need to agree with him that it's best not to communicate at all for now.

Good luck!

thanks so much for your help...PDM

I already deleted all his emails, text messages, and his phone number, together with all his family's contact ways.

It's very hard for me to be friend with him after we love each other that crazily for so long. At least not now definitly. Since every single of his words, can give me a big fuss. It's really too much for me now. He completlely influences my emotion.

Anyway, I will try my best to move on for now. Yes, future, only God knows. And I will leave it to time.
And thanks again for your help here for so long:)

I wish you well and am sorry to hear of your emotional pain.

You are intelligent and able ~ you will come through this.

Time is a great healer.

Long-term, you would not want to be with someone who did not feel the same as you do.

Somewhere your soul-mate is seeking you out.

Take care of yourself ~ think lucky and you will be lucky - as they say!

Too bad.
I still want him in my life after no contact for one week.
I still want to win him back after i deleted everything.
If i wanna do that.
What is the most wise thing to do now? with bigger chance.

Find yourself a task or a hobby or something else that will occupy your mind and your time.

You need to grieve ~ because grief is what one feels when a special relationship ends ~ and, in my opinion, one thing that helps in the grieving process is involving yourself in something positive and time consuming.

Work for a charity; write a book; start studying a new subject; join a club; take up gardening; go travelling; link up with family and old friends; go somewhere where you might make new friends.

Accept that this is over and cry about it; talk about it; write about it, but do other things too!

Writing poetry can be very therapeutic (as can gardening).

Good luck & take care.

Yes, PDM. I started losing weight now, running everyday around the lake. I also started picking up the relation with old friends, and planning or traveling to Candana to visit my grandparents on Chrismas.
He spoiled me that much and i am almost 80 kg by now. I used to be 55 kg before. I may become a totally differnt person in image:(
Thus, I am hoping that improving myself for half a year or sth. like that. Working, learning a new language, loseing weight. No contact with him at all.
Then I will try to reconnect him again, I hope i can give him a totally different feeling. I dont know how this plan is?

Sounds good!

But make sure you eat healthily!

Thanks:) I will try my best to change my shape and image for now:) Yes, I will eat healthily.

Putting on too much weight in one year really makes me feel bad and took away lots of my proud i used to have. Thus, i get more and more shameful about myself, and only to push him to try to get the feeling of insecurity. So bad. The one he knew at the begging really changed too much.

Anyhow, thats sth. i realized these day. Deep-rooted reasons of our relation.

I only can hope now, and use this hope as my biggest motivation.

There are so many advices on the borad of "i want my ex back", more than 297. I am reading them all the time. There are also many books saying that you can win your ex back.

However, lots people from Western culture, i mean, in some forums, or my European or American friends, definitly told me, its over, and he will never be back. I really get upset on hearing that.

It seems even people from similar cultures have different idears.

I dont know what voice i should listen:(

So who is right and who is wrong_

No-one knows what the future will bring.