Hello 123456 & welcome.
There is more than one issue going on here, I think.
The first thing that you say is worrying ~
'i feel like ending my life'.
This is a very serious thing to say and, if you feel like this, then you really need someone to talk to ~ someone to help you through this difficult time. There will often be people on this board, who will respond to you, but it is not the same as talking to, and getting advice from, an expert.
Have you spoken to your doctor, or considered getting an appointment with a counsellor? This could be very worthwhile for you.
Also, consider a relative or very close friend in whom you may confide. They say that a problem shared is a problem halved. It is good to have some moral support from someone you know and trust.
Any break up is going to be very difficult ~ but where children are involved it can be worse. If you are depressed, then you are going to find it much more difficult to deal with matters.
Your partner feels that you have cheated on her in some way and you feel that you had lost respect for each other. So there were problems with the relationship before either of you admitted to them. If this has been brewing for some time, then you may need outside expert help. Again, a relationship counsellor could be the answer.
You are missing the relationship, your partner and your children. You are grieving for them. This is why you feel as you do, but do not give up hope.
If you are depressed ~ and it sounds as if you may be ~ then do get help. This matter can be sorted out, so try to think positive.
Maybe you will eventually get back together, or maybe you will end up settling for friendship and the occasional meal out together. Either way, it won't always feel this raw.
You will either go back to living with the children, or, alternatively, see them often and build up a new kind of relationship with them.
Either way, be there for each other.
This must be hard on the children. Help them to deal with it, too. Spend quality time with them. They need you!
You mention your children with your ex-wife.
Do you spend quality time with them, as well?
This is a time to assess and evaluate.
Consider how you might mend some of the things that had gone wrong.
Consider how you can make the most of what you have ~ especially your children; all of them.
As for your partner, how about writing her a letter ~ explaining to her what you have said to us? A handwritten letter, worded from the heart, can be very potent.
You can explain things, as you see / saw them.
You can apologise for your part in what went wrong.
You can say how much you love, miss, want, respect, her, etc. ~ and the children.
You can ask if you could try to build upon the positive things.
You could suggest counselling.
As I said, it may well be that you are depressed and, if this is the case, then it will affect your personality and your relationships, so I think that you really should get some help from a doctor or counsellor.
Don't give up hope and, if ever you feel like ending it, do phone a helpline. Keep a number to hand, just in case.
You need help with this.
Good luck with all of this ~ and take care of yourself. Make sure you eat well and keep healthy, etc.
