Hi Munchkin
You got good advice about getting counseling. I don't know if that is a possibility for you or not but for now,
I will try and offer some kind of comfort or help and just some suggestions, just from my own painful experience. I want to tell you that you are not alone and I do not judge you. I have been in your shoes and know the anxiety and heartache it causes.
I can encourage you and assure you that things can change, you can change and things can be repaired and you can heal. There may well be some underlying root cause to why you do what you do.
And like someone said it may seem like an addiction or compulsion like OCD which is related to a brain chemical imbalance.
You know there can be all kinds of reasons for your behaviour.
From what you have shared here, it seems that you really don't exactly enjoy the aftermath of your behaviour, maybe at the time of action it seems good but afterwards you do have remorse over your actions. I think this says alot about you.
You do not come across as a cold heartless man eater out to conquer every man out there and that you couldn't care less.
You do care and you want to change and you do love your fiancee, so obviously something else is going on within your spirit, your heart.
You can examine at why you give yourself to another physically. How does it make you feel at the time? are you afraid of letting the other person down, does it make you feel good about yourself? do you like the admiration, the feeling of being desired and wanted? Do you get like a high at the time? If so, then this can be related to brain chemicals, such as serotonin, the "feel good" chemicals. People with addictions can be low in these.
These were partly my reasons and I was diagnosed with anxiety and ocd and I had history of abuse in my past by my father. Not sexual, but emotional and just a dysfunctional home environment without much nurturing and I believe it can all be related and explained.
I am just saying this was me, it doesn't mean it's you, but I am throwing out there some things for you to perhaps think about.
You could be sabotaging relationships, because you do not feel you are worthy of being in a safe, loving relationship or you may have trust issues, so you go and cheat before you think your partner will. (not every man cheats, that is such a lie by the way)
The great thing here is that you recognise that something is wrong and you feel pretty cruddy and you want to change.
This was my turning point too. And the fact I really hurt my husband and the whole of my behaviour was self destructive. It was an insentive for me to really dig my heals in and say no more. I now really check myself, my thoughts, my behaviour when I am around men. Even now if some man pays me a compliment or I find attractive, I see it as a deception, that the feeling I may get at the time is temporary and not real.
I have learnt that the feeling of self worth and feeling validated has to come from myself and not from an outside source. Believe it or not, some of this is about self esteem. Alot of this I have discovered by myself and not all from a therapist. I read books and even sought spiritual advice.
I did receive some counselling and went on meds for the anxiety. My husband still is with me and we are still working through things. five years on, trust is still being built, and communication is important.
It sounds like your fiancee loves you for him to allow the relationship to be open for you to contact him when you are ready. There are men out there who are willing to take the risk, their love for us is greater than any outside influence or force and they do not let pride get in the way. This is my husband. He did not leave.
Yes it does take time to trust and your man will probably be on guard, but perhaps you need that, it's like having an accountability partner, like people who are alcoholics or drug addicts. You benefit from having someone like him who is willing to work with you. You do deserve it, it's ok, don't beat yourself up anymore over this. I know I did, I know I hated myself for a long time.
Also Trust has to come from you too, you actually have to learn how to trust yourself.
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Johnston8.html If you have to give yourself boundaries then that's ok, like I did. You may have to be a bit reserved with men more, not engage in too much personal conversation, or even avoid it altogether until you feel really strong and confident in yourself. It is ok to do that if it means keeping yourself from slipping. To be self aware and to be observant of yourself is important. You may find it interesting as you learn about yourself, how you interact with men, and how you feel.
It is time to forgive yourself and allow your man to forgive you too. You are worthy.
I hope things work out. Get help if you can. Hugs to you.
