This is a complicated situation for you. I feel it would be best to try a psychologist or a professional along those lines. They can help you figure out the answers to your questions of why am I doing this, and am I ever going to be able to stop. This is a behavior, from what I think when I hear your thoughts in my head, that you've become addicted to.
As for him and you, you have to let him make his decisions on forgiveness or severing the ties. You can't know that until you try.
Pee. Ess. The psychologist isn't because you're crazy, but because you need someone with the knowledge and experience to help you figure out your life's puzzles.
