RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Does He/She Like Me? Heart on the line and so confused

Carl, your insight is always so insightful! (I could not think of a better way to phrase that, but it really is).

Thanks.

thankyou all so much for your insight its been so helpfull as i have felt so alone in this battle.

You can always put your thoughts on here ~ if you want to, that is. It's anonymous and there are often people online to respond.

thanks again PDM. well things have got a little out of hand at the moment. He now says he wants to be friends but says he was never playing me or using me, which is so hard to believe after everything thats happened between us.Not to mentions everytime we're together the sexual tension is off the metres. and despite saying these things when we have seen eachother we've ended up hooking up and having a beautiful night/day.He has very strong feelings for me i know it.I can see it in his eyes and the way he treats me when we're together.I'm just so confused because he says one thing but does another. He says this is soo hard for him and that i'm making it harder for both of us. but it doesnt have to be so hard. he knows what he has to do,but he wont...and at the same time he wont tell me why.He still doesnt know what he wants.
At the moment we haven't spoken in a week after an incident where he brought her to a show of mine, i'm an actor, he was there with his whole family too, but he left without saying anything to me, or saying goodbye and i think he thought i didnt know she was there. He said he tried to talk to me but i was very popular.It hurt me so much and i expressed this to him in a text, then he tried to call and i ignored them...of course i was angry and upset.He asked how "if i never answer my phone how is he supposed to speak to me" i then sent a message telling him i didnt want to speak to him till after my show was finished and then maybe i'de answer. its now been a week and nothing.A friend of mine and his says his way of dealing with things is on his own and by self-sabbotaging himself.SHe says he does have very deep feelings for me, she knows it, i know it and a whole bunch of other people who have seen us together know it! I dont know if hes scared, or whether any of this is actually hurting him too, or if he's ignoring me because i said i didn't want to speak to him. But right now i'm hurting so much. What should i do? I will fight for this!Do i give him one last chance to explain himself and his actions? well give him a chance cause i didnt give him one in the first place.

He seems to want to have his cake and eat it!

Does he not realise how unfeeling his behaviour must appear?

Obviously he is very attracted to you, but he is still with his girlfriend; he went on a date with her to see you in a show; he has now told you that he wants to be 'friends'.

He went on a date, with her, to see you, in a show!!!

It sounds like he wants the steady relationship with his girlfriend and the electricity of an affair with you. But you are not fitting in with his plans ~ you are 'making it harder'.

Some people can carry on like this ~ but can you, & should she?

Is any of this hurting him?
I don't see why it should be.
What could be hurting him?
He has two girls at his beck and call.
He flaunts one in front of the other.

To take his steady girl to see his mistress, without her knowing!
To flaunt his girlfriend, in front of his mistress, when he knows how upset she is about the situation!

What kind of behaviour is this?
This does not seem like the behaviour of a man who is hurting to me.

If you feel that he is worth fighting for, then you must do what you must do. But who would you be fighting?
He can be all yours whenever he chooses; all he has to do is end the relationship with his girlfriend.

If it's not too difficult for him to parade her in front of you at your play, then it shouldn't be too difficult for him to tell her the truth ~ that he is in love with someone else.

But is it the truth ~ or is he in love with her and in lust with you? Or just in love with both of you?

I don't know the answers ~ and I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but you are in a situation that is upsetting you, and you may have to just face the fact that the other girl is staying in his life ~ even if you stay in it too.

That doesn't sound good for either her or you.

Good luck!

Drop him. The guy doesn't care much for anyone's feelings. He's not hurting, he just doesn't want things to complicate to be easier for his ruse or necessary escape.

thankyou all again for all your insight and help. I've had few things clarified from him through a friend of mine and his regarding the reason why she was at my show etc.
He never wanted her to come to my show, she was invited by two of his roomates who are friends with her, and also his whole family came to the show aswell, so he was unable to stop her from attending. He didnt call me because he though i said i never wanted to speak to him again in the text message i sent him over two weeks ago. Basically the reason he won't leave her for me is the fear of his "parents disowning him" and what other people will think. He knows we are both really good together but it is this fear that is stopping him apparently. what the hell do i do?
I'm meeting up with him on thursday for one last chance to prove that our relationship is worth taking every risk and every chance. how on earth do i go about it!? He is fighting against himself and is scared.He has expressed a few times this fear to me early on in our relationship, "do i take a risk and chance ridicule?". I don't know what to do. we're both miserable. He is also terrified at what will happen if she finds out about whats been going on with him and myself and won't tell her. is there a way we can go about being together without really hurting her, letting her down without destroying her? Its his fear that is stopping this, fear of his parents disowning him and fear of losing the friendship he has with her. what do i say when i say him? I am so worried! this is my last shot. I love him and we both want this, i know it. he is just very insecure about the reppocusions.

Saltine, I realize that my viewpoint will not be pleasing to you. Yet, I must tell you that many, many men play women with the "I don't want to hurt them" line. Some men - and I use that term loosley - like to have several women available to them.

If I loved a woman, others' opinions might be considered, but ultimately it would be my choice. And if I could not be content with anyone else, then I'd have to make the choice for myself.

Hi Satine

If he is telling you the truth, and his parents would truly disown him for leaving her, and going to you, then I can see that this might be very difficult and upsetting for him.

If he leaves her for you, and his parents influence him so much, how will they feel about you? Could your relationship survive?

In some cultures, parents really do have a huge amount of influence, and, if he has a long steady relationship with this other girl, then I could understand his parents' potential anger at him letting her down.

However, he is already letting her down.

You ask: 'is there a way we can go about being together without really hurting her?' and I'm afraid I would have to say probably not.

If you could have a secret affair, that she didn't find out about, then she may not know that she was being hurt, but I cannot see how her relationship with him could be 100% good in that event, so it would still be harmed and, in a round-about way, she would still be hurt.

She came to your show because 'she was invited by two of his roomates who are friends with her'.
Were they trying to put the cat amongst the pigeons, I wonder??
Was he concerned that you two might meet and that something might be said?

You say: 'He is also terrified at what will happen if she finds out about whats been going on with him and myself and won't tell her'
If you move in similar circles ~ and she attends your plays ~ then she is likely to find out.
What if these mutual friends cannot or will not keep this unsavoury secret?

You say that he didn't call to warn you that he would be at your play with his girlfriend, because '... he thought i said i never wanted to speak to him again ....

So, on the basis that you were no longer an item, he brought her unannounced to your play???

Did he think that your relationship was over?
Did he care?
Did he not think that you deserved a warning, anyway?
What would have happened, if you had run over to him, given him a big kiss and said: 'oh darling, thank you for coming!' ~ or something like that?

I'm sorry, but unless, as you indicate, there is something going on here, that I do not understand, with regard to family structure and influence, then it just sounds as if he is playing you two girls against each other.
It sounds like a game. Is it?
Are you sure of what is going on in his mind?

Does he want to be with her?
Is he really only with her because of his parents?
Does he really want to be with you?
Is he really keeping you a secret because of his parents?

How old is he?
If he is very young, or comes from a culture where parents control their children, even as adults, then maybe this is understandable. Otherwise, it seems that he is just using this as an excuse not to change the status quo ~ to have a steady long-term relationship with her, and a fun affair with you.

Is this what you really want, long term ~ a man who will cheat on his girlfriend and blame his parents?

You need to ask yourself this, because it sounds as if he has little intention of doing anything about it. It may be weakness of character, or fear, or confusion, or it may just be that he wants to have his cake and eat it.

Whatever you decide to do ~ good luck!

There is a similar 'problem' here ~ have a look:
http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=341422