RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Breaking Up Broken up after 2 1/2 years

Marioman,I read all of your posts and it does appear that you have tried very hard from the beginning to correct any faults you felt you had. It takes a caring intelligent person to self examine and take control of their emotions and change their behavior. You appeared to do just that when your girlfriend complained that you were too jealous. Recently you even sought counseling and tried to get her to join you. That is the sign of someone who is willing to work on a relationship and is open minded. I realize you have come to think that you have a problem with jealousy and that you think you are controlling but I see it a little differently. I will share my thoughts with you for what they are worth.

I believe anyone who has been in a close loving relationship that includes being intimate in every way has a right to question the one they love about inappropriate text messages. It was an accident that you discovered them. You were not trying to invade her privacy. It was not an act of jealousy to answer the phone but a natural act of consideration for her sleep. When you found those messages you had every right to worry and be alarmed. At this point, your girlfriend had a responsibility to the relationship to respect your feelings regarding her friend. She did not do that and continued the relationship because the relationship had already become more than just friends in her mind. I say this because the guy felt that inappropriate text messages were ok. He didn't just think that on his own. On some level he felt they were appropriate because he was led to believe that. From what you say, she continued with the friendship and it evolved into one where she was "falling for him" as she put it. You did display inappropriate actions by taking her phone and should not have done that. Under the circumstances, it is understandable and not the worst reaction you could have had. It may have been wrong but no worse than your girlfriend basically cheating on you emotionally with another person. You both were in a committed relationship and sleeping together. This isn't like going steady. On the contrary it is more like being married. You love her so much that you took her opinion about your jealousy and being controlling as fact. I would like to suggest that the controlling is the other way around. The relationship became one where she was allowed to still flirt with men and keep their jackets as "close momentos" of the friendship and lie to you. You made efforts to improve and she carried on as usuall flirting with disaster. Her behavior is not the kind of thing you do in a committed relationship. She displayed caring for you and was holding your hand because she knew before she even asked you that she was in trouble and she knew what she had done. She wants to have you and she wants to be able to basically "act single". I know that you love her and you are frantic because you feel that the tighter you hold on the more you are loosing her. I would suggest that you back off a little and I think you will see that she calls you and seeks you out. If she does, you will know that she cares and there is a chance.

I would also like to suggest that if you compromise and allow the relationship to continue as it has you will be sorry and regret it. You obviously have your head on straight and you don't appear to be a jealous lout to me. You care appropriately and have had appropriate reactions. Your girlfriend on the other hand has convinced you that you have all of these flaws because she wants to flirt and have male friends and behave as if she is unattached. This is feeding her insecurities and boosting her self asteem while it is tearing your relationship appart. She is also unwilling to go to counseling with you and make the same effort you are. Until she sees her behavior is the problem, she is not ready for the same committment and relationship you are. You have to decide what kind of relationship you want and stick to your guns. If you don't you will keep trying to please her and she will keep pleasing herself. She is definitely not ready for marriage or a committed relationship until she deals with whatever is driving her. Dealing with her panic disorder is major among these things. If I were you I would research the disorder as it can manifest itself in many ways and can be emotionally crippleing. It sometimes gets worse over time and with the advent of children in a relationship. People who suffer from it often lack self control in the area of impulsive behaviour when it comes to relationships, gambleing, sex, money and a host of other things. I would take things very slow and first make sure that this relationship is really as healthy as you want it to be for yourself as well as her. She has to take responsibility for her part also. If she doesn't and you do get married I forsee a lot of lies and cheating and even more heartbreak in your future. As the other forum member pointed out, it does seem as if your world is ending and I have been where you are also but if you try your best to not panic and do what is right for you and her, you will be loving her in the most important way. It will either work out for you both or it won't and will save you both a world of hurt.

I agree with jo.

I know it's hard to hear.

But i think the point is that it is unfair for you to keep putting everything into the relationship and getting not much of anything but arguing back in return. =[.

Thanks for the replys all of you, and to answer the question about the counseling, yeah I have been seeing one since the break up.

It makes me angry when I think about all the times I was the one trying to fix things and she acted as though she was helpless on the matter. She always was the type to almost never decided things on her own, and never try and go her own way and experiance new things. It always had to be someone deciding things for her, and as much as I hate to say it, I blame her over protective parents for that and feel that thats one of the contributing factors for her anxiety.

A lot of the time I do feel that I'm being treated unfairly, I mean I've never been the type to constantly text other girls, or flirt when other girls are around. I mean, when I think about it, we never usually got into shouting matches whenever I felt that something was up, arguing yes, but never anything worse she just always got extreamly angry at me. And everything was always my fault.... never hers, in her opinion she never did anything wrong, and i hate that.

A few days before she broke up with me, I wrote her a letter, just to try and express how I felt in a different way. It explained how I felt that whenever she was constantly texting I felt less important in her eyes, how whenever other guys were around she seemed to pay more attention to them than me.... and how lately, she didn't seem to do little things that reassured me of our relationship, just stuff like that. She seemed to take it the wrong way and started saying that she wasn't going to text or talk to other guys, or that she would always tell me where she was and what she was doing, and I kept telling her thats not what I want from her. I feel that she keeps thinking thats the way I'm controlling her, I have never told her what to do and when to do it (except for the incident with the phone, I told her then I didn't want her to talk to the guy, and now that I think about it I even asked her and she agreed not to have her phone for that day, but yes I still know what I did was wrong) otherwise I have never told her how to do things, or when to do them. I want her to realize that shes the one with problems as well, but she just seems so sensetive when someone critisizes anything about her that I feel I wouldn't be able to get anywhere with trying to fix things.

Its been a little over two weeks now, and I've been trying my best just to keep busy and not think about any of this stuff but it is hard.... mornings seem to be the roughest on me because I've been having regular dreams about her, about us getting back together and such.... I do still love her, but its just so hard to let go after being emotionally invested in her for almost three years. Meeting new people is probably going to be one of the hardest things for as I am a pretty shy person, but I guess all I can do is try my hardest.

I just want to thank you guys for the advice, it does help somewhat and I appreciate it.

I'm glad that our replies have been of some help to you, Marioman.

I, too, agree with Jo.

Do remember that, when a relationship ends, it's as if it dies ~ and you have to grieve.

Also, remember that people tend to become defensive, if they feel that they are being criticised ~ especially if they are feeling guilty.

No-one is perfect, that's why, if a relationship is in trouble, and the couple wants to save it, both members really need to see a counsellor.

Good luck, with whatever you do.

So I guess I "screwed up" again....

I decided to pay a visit to my ex at her work today. My plan was just to ask if she would maybe meet me tomorrow night somewhere neutral just to talk. I told her if she wanted to she knew my number and she could tell me if she wanted to or not. I waited paitently and finally this evening I got a text message from her saying that "we're over and theres nothing to talk about", as well she said that because of the stress I put on her for coming to her work, her anxiety has gotten worse.

Her father, who used to treat my like his own son, got involved now. He sent me a message telling me that I've put too much stress on her and that she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore and that I should move on. He seems angry at me now, and said that "had he known that I had hurt her so much in the past, that our relationship would have been a lot different", I'm confused as to what he means by that because I don't recall ever hurting her so much for anything (besides the whole phone incident, which yeah I know was wrong).

I don't know what to do anymore... I'm trying to move on, but its just so hard. I've really hit rock bottom.

Marioman, I don't know you or her, but I am guessing that you are not entirely to blame for all this. I may be wrong, of course, but I don't think so, based on what you have said here.

However, you seem to be taking the blame ~ from yourself and others. This isn't rock bottom ~ this is a chance for a new start.

If you are accepting, from her, that you are in the wrong, then is it so surprising that her father thinks that way?

When a relationship ends, it is painful, but I think, long-term, you will find someone who suits you better & who won't put you in a position where you are bound to feel hurt and jealous, and then blame you for doing so.

You are still young; you will find Miss Right.

Yes, you will grieve over this relationship for a while, but you will soon realise that it would not have brought you long-term happiness, and that you will be better off with someone who wants you,and does not keep flirting with other men and then getting annoyed because it upsets you.

Just give yourself some time to get over this.
Time heals and it also allows you to think objectively about things.

Take care!

Marioman, I too agree with PDM. You are far too hard on yourself. Her father is going to be protective and believe what she tells him. Painful as it may be, this is far less painful than it would have been down the road. If she was truely all that you wanted and deserved she would have behaved better all along and she would not have ended your relationship without giving you better closure. You really need to realize that she was not living up to your picture of her. You have loved the person you thought she was not the person she actually "IS". I am sorry, I know it hurts, but you will get stronger and learn from this and go on to find someone special that needs you as much as you need her. Have faith in that and believe that you deserve better and you will get better. Good Luck

Hey you guys, first off, thanks for the ears and all the advice given. I've realised that I have been to hard on myself, and I'm sick of it. I found out yesterday that my ex is now (well not too sure how long now) is with the guy who jacket she borrowed. I am pretty angry, but I'm not too sad about it. To me it kind of shows me that she really isnt the person I thought she was, and I regret now that I ever let myself fall in love with her. I know I'm probably just speaking out of anger, but I really feel that I wasted almost 3 years of my life, that it was all for nothing.

But anyway I do kinda wanna get "back out there" so to say, not just to date but also to meet new people, make new friends and such.

I don't think that you should consider the time wasted ~ consider it a learning experience.

It's good that you want to meet new people and make new friends.

You two were obviously not meant to be together, so you are now free to discover your true soul-mate.

Good luck