Getting my Husband Back

Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
My husband has just broken up with me after a year and a half of marriage, we hae been together nearly six years. He said that he des not love me anymore, but that nothing is wrong in fact that everthing was perfect. He said he would do anything to feel the love that we had for each other again. He says that he could not lie to me and feels that he does not love me anymore, but is ashamed of himself for hurting me so much because he cares for me.

I really love him and feel that we were made for each other, he feels this as well. We are both finding it very hard to understand why this has happened. He has said that he does not know how something so hard and that feels so wrong can be right, but he thinks it is.

We are both remaining friends and we are getting on ok it is uncomfortable and i have noticed him looking at me in the way he used too. anyway i just want some advice about getting him back. I am moving back to where i came from, which is a couple of hundred miles away and we will talk on the phone all of the time, but i really want him back. Thank you for your help. Advice
First, BEFORE you move back, sign up for a therapist. Go to a therapist and talk about the feelings you're having. I think that he's confused about what love IS.

Yes, new love is full of passion and tumult and hot, powerful feelings. That's how the human body is made to work. It's made to give you these sweeping emotions to draw you two together.

But a human body would self destruct if it had to keep that up for years and years! As you are together for longer and longer, your love EVOLVES. It turns into a mature love, a form of best-friends where you actively care for each other, take care of each other, share in each other's joys and sorrows - but it's not the head-over-heels that you start with. That is NORMAL.

It really sounds like he thought his first-love passion would last forever. It doesn't! That's one of those facts of life. Look at a very happy older couple. They're not pawing each other constantly. They don't have to say "I love you" every 5 minutes. That's because they KNOW they love each other, because they are there for each other. They can trust each other, they rely on each other. They know if one of them has a car that breaks down at 2am, the other one will be there to help out. If one of them is sad, the other one will hold them. For Valentine's Day, they don't have to go out to an expensive restaurant and buy priceless jewelry. They're just as happy (if not MORE happy) to share their favorite meal together, and share memories of their favorite times together.

Another thing he might be going through is his *thought* of how married couples should be. Maybe now instead of thinking of you as YOU he thinks of you as "the wife" and has this mental block that wives are boring nags. Or he could have a mental block that all wives are dutiful housekeepers or something. So somehow this built-in idea of what life would be "like" once you guys were really married isn't matching up with the reality he has.

In any case, if it looks like you guys are really good friends and that it's just some sort of strange *perception* issue, get to a therapist before you move far away and make it even harder to work through. Talk it through. You might be amazed at how easily the situation can be mended if a third person helps you look at things differently.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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