Going Back to your Ex - but He's got Someone New
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I HAVE BEEN IN LOVE WITH MY EX-BOYFRIEND FOR FIVE YEARS. WE WERE TOGETHER FOR 8 MONTHS, THEN I MOVED AWAY. WE KEEP IN CONTACT, TALKED ON THE PHONE, WROTE LETTERS, AND VISITED EACHOTHER. 6 MONTHS AFTER I MOVED, HE ASKED ME TO MOVE BACK, SO I DID. AGAIN WE WERE TOGETHER FOR ANOTHER 7 MONTHS. MY MOTHER HAD SOME HEALTH AND NEEDED ME. SO AGAIN I MOVED AWAY. THIS TIME WE DID NOT KEEP IN CONTACT. I THOUGHT ABOUT HIM EVERYDAY. SO I WENT ON WITH MY LIFE AND I MEET SOMEONE NEW. I DONT KNOW IF I LOVED HIM OR IF I WAS JUST DOING WHAT WAS RIGHT FOR ME AT THE TIME. BUT I MOVED IN WITH MY NEW BOYFRIEND, AND MARRIED HIM. A WEEK BEFORE I GOT MARRIED I WENT BACK TO VISIT MY EX-BOYFRIEND AND HE BEGGED ME NOT TO GET MARRIED. TOLD ME THAT HE LOVED ME AND HE WANTED ME BACK. SO I CALLED OFF THE WEDDING AND TOLD HIM THAT I WOULD MOVE BACK. I KNOW THIS IS VERY CONFUSING. BUT ME AND MY EX-BOYFRIEND HAD A FIGHT AND I GOT MAD AND MARRIED MY BOYFRIEND. THEN I FOUND OUT THAT I WAS PREGNATE.
I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR A YEAR AND A HALF. MY SON IS 10 MONTHS OLD. MY MARRAIGE DID NOT WORK. WE ARE NOW SEPARATED. TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT. I ENDED UP MOVING BACK TO THE CITY MY EX-BOYFRIEND LIVED IN. WE SEE EACHOTHER ALL THE TIME AND HE STILL CLAIMS THAT HE LOVES ME AND HE WANTS TO BE WITH ME, BUT HE NOW LIVES WITH HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND. SO ITS LIKE IM HIS MISTRESS. I WANT TO BE WITH HIM. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. I DONT LIKE BEING THE OTHER WOMAN, BUT I DONT WANT TO LOSE HIM AGAIN. WHAT SHOULD I DO?
Wow, that does sound a bit complicated. It's a shame that all of that happened, it really sounds like you married the second guy just to spite your ex boyfriend which was unfair to the second guy, and then you broke up because you really weren't suited for each other. But in any case, that's done now and you have a child, and now you have to deal with the present.
This boyfriend of yours is *living* with a woman. The way he handles himself is in essence a live demonstration of his value of commitment and honesty. He is actively proving that he is capable of lying to someone who loves him and believes in him because he is not willing to choose between the two of you. That's unfair to her, and unfair to you.
He has to make a decision. The live-in girlfriend doesn't deserve to be betrayed. You don't deserve to be treated like a whore, to be used for sex when it's convenient. If he loved you, he would have apologized to the other woman, broken up with her and then dedicated himself to you. But instead he's playing both sides, having both of you. It's time for him to take responsibility for his actions and decide just what he's going to do, and DO it.
If he doesn't, I would really consider breaking it off with him. If he can't even make a decision when you have come to be with him and are there ready, what's the chance that he will "someday"? He probably won't until something happens and he's forced to (i.e. his girlfriend finds out and has a FIT). And then your relationship will be founded on betrayal as its base. And then when you two are together, how will you trust him to be honest to *you*? You've already gotten live proof that he's quite happy to sleep around if he thinks he's in love, that lying to a current girlfriend is fine as long as he cares for the other one too ...
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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I feel second best