This new boyfriend of hers scares me.

Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
My best friend of 5 years has separated from her husband 1 year ago. 6 months into the separation she met a man. She has 4 children, considering she had 2 bad marriages to abusive spouses her children are well behaved, highly educated and all aroung great kids. This new boyfriend of hers scares me. he initially would send her flowers every week, take her and her kids to dinner twice a week. This was OK at first. She bagan to feel suffocated and asked him for a little room since she had 2 bad marriages she wanted to take it slow. He couldnt spend the night because she was concerned for her kids and how the new relationship would affect them. This made him upset. anyway, to the point. He never gives up. He bought a pool and jacuzzi for the kids and the older son a new car. paid for the older daughters tatoo and when the ex-husband came into town needing a new home the new boyfriend forked over an apartment deposit for him through the kids. If my best friend says "I like that", he buys it for her, including the 3000.00 dimond she commented on. she admitted to me 1 week prior to the engagement that she doesnt love him. a week later she takes the ring (she said she likes the security). She pushes him away and he fights harder for her. She has the ring now so he has started to rake in the kids with money (he lives with mom so he has no bills to pay. I am a victim of domestic violence. Not just a slap here or there either, I'm lucky to be alive. I'm not being stereotypical, maybe i am. He scares me, I've done everyting short of begging her to leave him. No one likes him, not her family or friends or co-workers. She says she sees things in him no one else does. Yeah, she sees money and her kids and herself always being taken care of. Maybe it's great that he throws his money around, he is buying the whole family and once he has his new wife, has a house to pay for, the money goes away. I'm sorry I'm jumping all over the place but he is so possesive. it's a game to him and he is winning. He knows i see through him so he and i dont really speak. i, to him am a threat. Damn right i am.....What would you do? yes she knows how i feel. but will the money matter when the honeymoon phase is over and she again realizes she doesnt love him. He has had issues in the past with his g/f's and violence. He says it was there fault and he doesnt seem to be violent now. I can spot 'em a mile! Advice
I applaud your efforts to help your friend. Having been there, you can certainly support her and give her the moral backup that she needs for new relationships.

The bad news is that you can never change other people and what they want to do with their lives. Yes, it sounds like this guy is buying her and her kids. And it's sorta creepy that he has this much money and still lives with his parents. And he's way overboard in what he does for the family. But for as long as he fills a need for her (this time it looks like security and comfort) then she will be with him. You need to support her through this by giving her alternate views but telling her that you'll be there no matter what. You will have to stand by while she gets on with this guy and you'll have to pick up the pieces if it all falls apart. But there's really no way you're going to change her mind when there are all these perceived plusses on his side.

The good news is that she's been through two bad marriages. So she knows how to get out of a bad situation, even if she's the one who put herself there in the first place.

See if she'll go to counselling with you, see if she'd be willing to attend Al-Anon or other such support program. You could be sly and say that you want to go for you, but you need her support and want her company. That way she can get a support network to turn to in time of need.

Good luck, I hope everything turns out well in the end, even if the middle is miserable.

-- from Marc
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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