I love my friend, but she has a boyfriend
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I am in love with a friend of mine. Her boyfriend just moved in with her. I do not think all is well, as she complains a lot about things he does/does not do. There are times when I feel a real connection with her. If her boyfriend were not here, I think there might be something.
I have written a letter telling her how I feel. I want to give it to her. I do not want to scare her off or ruin the friendship. She is the girl I have always dreamed about meeting, and I love her very much. What do I do?
First, a true friend is always supportive, even when it's tough. This is one of those situations. She HAS a boyfriend. She has to decide what to do with that boyfriend without you egging her into ditching him. Otherwise, even if you two DID get together, she'll always have in the back of her mind if you fight of something that she COULD have stayed with that other guy, if only you hadn't pressured her into leaving him. She has to make her *own* decisions.
It's very normal for couples to have difficulty when they move in together. It's always great seeing someone when you want to and having your own personal space in other times. When you move in together, you lose your personal space. Now their bad habits are up against you constantly, and it's *very* wearing. So they are going through that 'rocks' in a bag' stage. You have to wait to see if they polish each other and work out well, or if they rip a hole in the bag and fall out.
Be there and be a friend for her. Listen to what she says and give her support. If she doesn't work out with this other guy, then you are still there for her, you have proven yourself to her, and after she gets over the rebound stage, you can get closer to her. But don't go in right afterwards, because if she dates you 'on the rebound' she might have many regrets later. And definitely if you try to intrude WHILE SHE IS ACTIVELY DATING SOMEONE ELSE what does that say about your respect for a relationship? And if she gives in, what does that say about her respect? What happens if you force her to dump him, you start dating her, and another guy comes along and says "I'm way better, date me instead?" Now she's used to the idea of 'ditching a guy because something better came along' and dumps you. Which is NOT a healthy way to approach a relationship.
So be her friend. Be her support, and if she doesn't work out with this guy, be there through her breakup. If it was meant to be between you two, and you prove yourself as a dependable friend, you will end up together. But if you barge into her existing relationship and try to *force* it to work, the most likely result is disaster.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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50 on 1-10 scale
Hope everything works out