She's Dating Me, She's Fond of Her Ex

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I have been dating this girl for the last 3 months, when we met she was still in love with her ex of 6 years, now she is madly in love with me as she tells me, she tells me her ex and her are good friends, and that they talk or email 3-4 times a week.

I asked her if she had told him about me and she said I had never come. Two weeks ago after a lot of prodding about a suspision I had, she told me that she was going to his house to record cd's, I was upset and left. We got together again and she said she missed me and wanted back, we got back and tell each other we love each other alot!

I never brought the ex question back, last night looking at her email, I read where he was saying to her that he was not ready for a love relationship and that he would just be her friend "for now" Her cell phone email went off at 6am three mornings ago, I asked who it may be and she said "just a friend of mine" I have a feeling it was him. On her emails that I read, she signs with Love and her name.

I know they are still in communication! But I have not askes since we just got back together. She tells me she loves me 10 times a day.

What do I do? My gut tells me there is more than just a friendly relationship with him, she left him 5 months ago because he would not commit to her, the more I back away from her the more she misses me, HELP! do I bring up the question? do I just play it out? is it right for her to go to his house? why does he not know about me in all these conversations?? Advice
It's quite healthy for her to have male friends and to stay friends with her ex. However it is NOT healthy for her to be lying to friends! If you guys are dating then he should know it. Also if she is dating you she should be telling you about what she is doing with her other friends - male OR female - because she enjoys you being a part of her life. The minute she starts trying to hide things from you or brush you off, she is putting her own pleasure and secret fun above her care for the relationship. She is looking out for herself and wanting her fun, and using lying and betrayals to get that.

Tell her that it's fine for her to have male friends. But that the #1 key in any relationship is HONESTY and that she has been very flawed in that area. Ask her to get together with you and the ex and to talk about all of this together, in the open. If she isn't capable of doing that, she's not much of a friend to him - and not much of a girlfriend to you. It sounds like she might be lying to both of you, to keep as much attention as she can for herself.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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