She'll Snuggle in Private but Not in Public

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I have been dating a girl for about 2 months since sept. She broke up with her ex of 4 years last December but she said she only finally got over him just before we starting dating. Now she tells me that she feels for me, but whe wants to make sure of her feelings, to make sure that she isn't on a rebound.

We behave like a couple when there isn't anyone around. Behave like platonic friends when there are other people around or in public. Won't even let me hold her hand in the shopping mall, only in elevators or in unpopulated areas. I am starting to feel like a secret lover. She is saying that we should take it slow, I guess thats a good thing... but we still have intimate contact and everytime that happens, I invest more feelings in this relationship. How do I keep myself from investing?

My friends are telling me "You should stop calling her for a while, let her sort herself out... if she misses you she'll call you. Protect your own heart." Ok so I got convinced and I told her "Let me know when your heart is free to love again, when that happens and you still feel for me, I'll be here waiting."

Did I do the right thing? Should I stop seeing her for a while? How do I deal with missing her.... Advice
Rebound dating is definitely something to be VERY cautious of. If she dated a guy for 4 years it could easily take a year for her to recover. So she waited a long time to date again, which is very good. And then she started dating you, and she was fine in private.

But she didn't want to be "seen with you"?? That really seems like something strange was going on. If you're on the rebound, it's about if you are ready to date someone or not. It isn't about you being ready to be "seen by others" with a guy! Why should you care if you're seen by other people? Who was she worried might see her? Why would she be ashamed? Taking it slow is one thing. That's about what YOU TWO do. It isn't about being ashamed of being SEEN with you. Either you're dating someone or you aren't. Either you're at a certain stage of that relationship (kissing, fondling, etc) or you're not. All of that is fine. But to BE with someone but HIDE that from others is dishonest at its core - and a relationship should be 100% about honesty and truth.

I think it's a good thing you pulled back. She was up to SOMETHING and it wasn't anything honest and truthful. Tell her that you're there and ready to date when she isn't feeling ashamed of the relationship. Sure you can take it slow! Sure you can keep it just at quick kisses and nothing else! But if she is ASHAMED of that relationship, she's not ready to date yet. She needs to ask herself WHY she's ashamed of dating, if she is single and has been for a year. She shouldn't care what others think of her life. She should be caring about what SHE feels comfortable with in her life. And if she's comfortable dating you, she shouldn't be trying to hide this from others.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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Maybe She is Shy

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