He's Lost that Loving Feeling
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have had suspected that my curent live in boyfriend of over 3 years has had some kind of affair. The intamicy in the beginning was there but however not that often maybe a few times in a week or at least once a week. Over time it has dwindled to the point that it was over a year that he didn't touch me or if I went to touch him he would roll over and put his back to me. When I ask about the no intimacy he just says that it doesn't put food on the table. I beg to differ with him because if I am happy in that department then I'm more productive at work.
We went on vacation in early June and had sex 5 out of the 7 days we were away. He also stated that he missed the intimacy and only to come home it was gone again. Now it's every few months and he even got amorous but I had my period and I gave him pleasure anyway. It felt good for me and I assume for him to. So I thought that maybe we were on our way to making it better
It still isn't better and I have made several suggestions so that I can show him what pleasure is. He claims that all I want to do is change him and I told him no I only want to show you what it can be like and to try new things who knows you may like it if you try it.
Granted I have gained about 40 - 50 pounds but I feel like he's so superficial and it shouldn't matter if I'm 95 or 300 pounds love me for me. He isn't exactly buff and has a full size truck tire in the middle and I still feel the same as I did when we first met (btw the tire wasn't there when we met) He makes comments about big busted little assed woman all the time and it really works on my nerves like he compares me to these superficial woman that honestly may have no brain whatsoever.
He accuses me of cheating and honestly I haven't not yet but it's coming real close that I just want to feel the things that I enjoyed once before. Foreplay to him is fondle the boob and that's it there is so much that I miss and I love him because he's a good person on the inside he just has so many walls built up from I believe to be his upbringing to the previous relatioships he has had.
His upbringing as a child is something that I feel is a basis for his inability to truely show love. He was raised by an alcoholic mother who didn't show him love from day one and his siblings weren't any better. He was in my eyes abused and a child should never have to endure what he has.
Past relationships the women cheated on him for what I can see is that they were where I am right now. They got it more than I did and they strayed. So what keeps me from doing it propbably because my ex husband cheated on me and I know how it feels to be on the other side of the fence. However, I don't know how long I can hold out for someone that takes and doesn't give. Relatiosnships are supposed to be give and take not just take right?
He was really sick 2 years ago and almost died. I stuck by him the whole way and even while he was recovering and helped nurse him back to health. I have given so much to this man and feel like it's a one way street with him hogging the road.
While he was in the hospital he had asked me to marry him and I said yes only to have him tell my best friend that he couldn't wait to play the field and that he was leaving me. When asked about this he denied it of course and blamed my friend for starting trouble which I totally believe her. When I told him that he can leave now and not wait until the 1st of the year he left and came back the next day to tell me he had acted like an ass and he doesn't want to leave.
He has since told me about a year ago that he doesn't think he can be commited to the same person and that our plans of marriage are on hold for now. While on vacation he brought the subject up again and said he never gave a date when and he is serious that he still wants to marry me.
I'm not sure if he's trying to test the fact that if he commits then test her for loyalty before he goes all the way?? Is he trying to just have what he missed growing up (that is a mother figure)? Does he really care for me but not in the boyfriend sense but maybe just in the friend sense and doesn't want to hurt me? If so why not just move on and let me go on with life and find that person that can make me happy?
My mind is spinning out of control and find that I am trying to find the answers only to hit a brick wall and have all my emotions splatter like a bug on a windshield. Feelings are arousing from the past because of my ex cheating on me that I'm not sure that maybe I have a hangup about the old issues and are making them new issues when they should be dead and buried.
Please give me some direction because if we're going to make it I want it to be real and not some dream or I want to move on and find a special person that can make me happy. I know perfection isn't possible but I also know that I can be much happier than I am now either with somebody else or work on it and be happy with him.
Thanks for you time and any advice that you have to offer.
Hormones do fade over time, and guys hit their peak at age 18. They go downhill from there. It may be that he's just really not that interested any more. Also, when people are having emotional issues, they aren't likely to want to be physical. The two go very much together. So if he's feeling uncertain about the relationship, that would cause him not to want to snuggle either.
Sit down and have a long talk with him. Tell him that you are interested in starting your plans for having a family when you will be young enough to enjoy them in high school and be there for the grandchildren. Ask him if he wants to have kids. That is really the main reason to get married soon. These are things you need to talk about and address. If his plan is just to keep you around as a girlfriend forever, and you want kids, then it's unfair for him to tie you up for years and years and ruin your chances of having kids with someone that wants them.
-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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