He's Lost that Loving Feeling
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
I have had suspected that my curent live in boyfriend of over 3 years has had some kind of affair. The intamicy in the beginning was there but however not that often maybe a few times in a week or at least once a week. Over time it has dwindled to the point that it was over a year that he didn't touch me or if I went to touch him he would roll over and put his back to me. When I ask about the no intimacy he just says that it doesn't put food on the table. I beg to differ with him because if I am happy in that department then I'm more productive at work.
We went on vacation in early June and had sex 5 out of the 7 days we were away. He also stated that he missed the intimacy and only to come home it was gone again. Now it's every few months and he even got amorous but I had my period and I gave him pleasure anyway. It felt good for me and I assume for him to. So I thought that maybe we were on our way to making it better
It still isn't better and I have made several suggestions so that I can show him what pleasure is. He claims that all I want to do is change him and I told him no I only want to show you what it can be like and to try new things who knows you may like it if you try it.
Granted I have gained about 40 - 50 pounds but I feel like he's so superficial and it shouldn't matter if I'm 95 or 300 pounds love me for me. He isn't exactly buff and has a full size truck tire in the middle and I still feel the same as I did when we first met (btw the tire wasn't there when we met) He makes comments about big busted little assed woman all the time and it really works on my nerves like he compares me to these superficial woman that honestly may have no brain whatsoever.
He accuses me of cheating and honestly I haven't not yet but it's coming real close that I just want to feel the things that I enjoyed once before. Foreplay to him is fondle the boob and that's it there is so much that I miss and I love him because he's a good person on the inside he just has so many walls built up from I believe to be his upbringing to the previous relatioships he has had.
His upbringing as a child is something that I feel is a basis for his inability to truely show love. He was raised by an alcoholic mother who didn't show him love from day one and his siblings weren't any better. He was in my eyes abused and a child should never have to endure what he has.
Past relationships the women cheated on him for what I can see is that they were where I am right now. They got it more than I did and they strayed. So what keeps me from doing it propbably because my ex husband cheated on me and I know how it feels to be on the other side of the fence. However, I don't know how long I can hold out for someone that takes and doesn't give. Relatiosnships are supposed to be give and take not just take right?
He was really sick 2 years ago and almost died. I stuck by him the whole way and even while he was recovering and helped nurse him back to health. I have given so much to this man and feel like it's a one way street with him hogging the road.
While he was in the hospital he had asked me to marry him and I said yes only to have him tell my best friend that he couldn't wait to play the field and that he was leaving me. When asked about this he denied it of course and blamed my friend for starting trouble which I totally believe her. When I told him that he can leave now and not wait until the 1st of the year he left and came back the next day to tell me he had acted like an ass and he doesn't want to leave.
He has since told me about a year ago that he doesn't think he can be commited to the same person and that our plans of marriage are on hold for now. While on vacation he brought the subject up again and said he never gave a date when and he is serious that he still wants to marry me.
I'm not sure if he's trying to test the fact that if he commits then test her for loyalty before he goes all the way?? Is he trying to just have what he missed growing up (that is a mother figure)? Does he really care for me but not in the boyfriend sense but maybe just in the friend sense and doesn't want to hurt me? If so why not just move on and let me go on with life and find that person that can make me happy?
My mind is spinning out of control and find that I am trying to find the answers only to hit a brick wall and have all my emotions splatter like a bug on a windshield. Feelings are arousing from the past because of my ex cheating on me that I'm not sure that maybe I have a hangup about the old issues and are making them new issues when they should be dead and buried.
Please give me some direction because if we're going to make it I want it to be real and not some dream or I want to move on and find a special person that can make me happy. I know perfection isn't possible but I also know that I can be much happier than I am now either with somebody else or work on it and be happy with him.
Thanks for you time and any advice that you have to offer.
User Submitted Advice from a 41-50 year old Female
Sounds like your man has a lot of emotional baggage.He was brought in abusive household,has had women cheat on him and now feels that no one cares for him.He has built this big wall around him and no one can reach him.Also for him to be making comments about your size when he has a spare tire himself is totally immature!Some men can be pretty shallow.The two of you need to get into some counseling to get to the heart of his problem.Has he had problems with depression?Alcoholism?When some people have a lot of emotional baggage,they tend to retreat from a world which has hurt them.They also abuse alcohol,drugs,food,etc because this sort of thing makes them feel safe and loved.Just talk to him as much as possible,but,also go to counseling to see if you can work this out.Hope this helps!!
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer