He wants me to move and get married but I have doubts
Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
Ok- I have been dating a man for 3 yrs. He is 27 and I am 32 with two kids that are not his. He is very loving to my kids. I am in school and he wants me to move to another state with him when I graduate and get married. These are the issues and arguments I have with him that are giving me doubts...1. He only works to make enough money to get by. 2. When I am mad or sad he says "you have nothing to be mad or sad about. 3. When we are out he seems more interested in other girls that are around than in me. 4. Even though he knows i have two kids and I can't go out every weekend- he insists on making that a priority every weekend. 5. He chooses friends that don't work and have no goals in life. These are my main issues with him. He says he loves me and that I am the girl for him, and he show through his actions of sticking by my side and he never giving up on me. But I feel unhappy a lot and I don't want to be in an unhappy relationship, but at the same time he in a way makes me happy at times we share a similar sense of humor and we laugh at shared jokes and are affectionate with each other. Please give me some advice
My first observation is that nowhere do you say that you love him or even like him a lot. He makes you happy at times, you said. This is not a sound basis for a marriage.
Maybe if he were to improve in the five categories things might change.
1. Money-- does he live in a crummy apartment and drive a wreck? Do you know how much he makes and how he spends his money? You definitely need to know this if you plan on marrying. He may be spending money on an upscale apartment and be making large car payments. In any case, you need to put all your cards on the table and express your concerns. I presume you will work after graduation which will improve your lives.
2. Feelings-- a man is in deep trouble if he ignores his woman's anger or sadness. That is part of a good relationship-- sharing feelings. He has to improve here.
3. Other women-- here's a tough one. It is natural for guys to look at women. This should be done with some couth, though. If you want to play hardball on this subject, start looking at guys and tell your BF "Hey, isn't he cute, I'd like to grab his butt." Well that's far fetched but you could start looking at guys and give him a taste of what he's dishing out to you.
4. Weekends-- if it's the cost of getting childcare that's the problem then ask him to pay for it; if it's the need for peace and quiet then tell him you can only go out 3 weekends a month; if it's time with the kids then ask him to come over to dinner one night a month.
5. Friends-- tell him that once you move, he has to find a higher class of friends and give him hints on how to do it. Buying a house will do wonders here. Church groups, choruses, clubs, gyms are places to meet friends.
Also, you could make friends with couples where the male is not a loser.
You have raised important questions and you are right to be sure of what you are doing before jumping into it. Let him know how you feel.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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